Life As I Know It

The fat lady sings....

2010-04-23T08:14:00.000-07:00

This blog has become quite dormant. I'm thinking of shutting it down for good. But not to worry, I've started a new blog The History Spot...and you'll notice my moniker has changed to HistoryGeek.

I'm moving in a new direction and it's into the past. Stop by to see what I'm doing a learn new tidbits about the stories that shaped us.

It's a boy....yeah, yeah...

2010-01-14T09:19:00.000-08:00

My cousin is pregnant. She's a cousin I haven't been very close to, but we are now on FB together. As are her sisters and her mother.

So my cousin is pregnant and she found out on Tuesday that it's a boy. She's posted its ultra-sound, and is now in the midst of comparing how much he looks like his father. Her sister is thanking the lord that the child is mild of temperment. Have I mentioned that the fetus is probably only a few months gestated. ACK!

I guess I should be happy that she hasn't posted this as her profile picture, yet. OMG! I'm sorry. She did!

This family lives in a very different world than I do, it seems. This sister is married. The oldest is going to take a missionary trip to Southern England (I really wasn't aware that the Brits were in need of saving). Dad was once a Republican state legislator.

It's all just very bizarre. Although, I'm sure the idea that I'm a pagan, bi, fat activist who will publicly castigate Pat Robertson is a bit of a shock to them as well.

My horoscope

2010-01-05T10:20:00.000-08:00

There is a column in SF Chronicle that has astrological predictions...supposedly, I will be spending most of this year putting things in place for 2011. They didn't tell me why. Maybe it will be a 20/20 hindsight kind of thing.

I don't, generally, make resolutions, but I am working on a project about identity and art. I've mostly just been thinking about it...but I'll keep you posted. I have to do something with it, as I present my experience in St. Louis in March.

Any resolutions from my 2 readers out there?

Facebook is getting crowded

2009-12-27T14:31:00.001-08:00

I'm finding, now that I've friended my mother and assundry other relatives on FB, that it's much harder to speak my mind there. So it just may be that I will be around the old blogland to air some of my stuff here.

I just got back from MN. It was a lovely trip, and I felt very cared for around the gluten issue, but boy did it raise all my family issues.

I feel bad for S. I want to see him today, but I'm feeling like I need to hibernate. So I made plans to go for a walk with him, and now have cancelled. It sucks.

So what went wrong? Nothing much...just the frustration of having a father who cannot experience anything he does as good (or ask for what he wants). He showed me a pair of diamond earings that he bought my mother for Xmas. She's wanted a pair forever. The first thing out of his mouth was that he thought they were too small. He couldn't believe that she would be blown away by his gift, just as it was.

Then there's my mom who wants to talk to me, or really anyone, all the time. She's an extrovert. I can't really blame her for it, but it drives me crazy. It feels invasive to me, even though I know that's not the intent.

And my aunt...what to say about her. She's my dad's sister, so she grew up with the same incredibly abusive mother, but her stuff get's expressed a little differently. She's a bit OCD in some of her stuff, especially around cleaning. And there is this way that I feel like if she could she would reel me in and having me living in my parents' house for the rest of my life. Smothering, even though I only see her a little bit while I'm there.

I feel like I sound ungrateful or unloving. But that's the thing. I do love them. I just can't live with them. In fact, I feel like I'm able to love them better from afar.

And so, today, I'm hibernating. I'm trying not to feel badly that I am hibernating.

Something's going around

2009-12-09T14:03:00.000-08:00

I just get the weirdest health problems, ever!

Here's a list of a few:

Hydradenitis Supparativa (I might have misspelled this)
Lyme
Celiac (or non-celiac gluten-intolerance...the only people who really care are the health insurance companies)
Kidney stones

This last one, admittedly, is partially my fault. I don't drink enough fluids. Mostly, because my bladder is the size of a thimble. But whenever I pass a stone, I swear to mend my ways. Doesn't happen. But I'm back to swearing again.

The pain isn't really that bad, it's just annoying (especially the peeing through a strainer).

Let's have a naming contest...anyone have an idea for what to call the bit of calcium oxylate I'm currently birthing?

Something doesn't quite smell right

2009-11-25T10:50:00.000-08:00

I want health care reform to pass. I really do. I think keeping the same system in place makes about the same sense as city planners returning to medieval ways of letting cities grow - all cobbled together without a broader sense of a plan.

I really want healthcare to be universal, and I acknowledge that there will be a greater burden on some than others when paying for this. It is my belief that people should be asked to pay commensurate with their income. I'm a socialist that way, I'll admit.

I do not, however, believe that a disproportionate burden for healthcare costs should be shifted to any particular group based on "healthy lifestyles." This is, I think, a red herring that makes people feel self-righteous, but is a horribly slippery slope.

I'm fat, so I am biased in this. I would, under the current version of the reform bill under consideration by the Senate, be required to pay more than thinner people who get the same insurance I do. I have a job, and I can afford to do this. In fact, because I have a job, I don't mind paying a bit more for my healthcare. It's that important to me to have everyone insured.

But by asking all people who live "unhealthy lifestyles" to pay more for health premiums, we begin to head in the direction of system that penalizes people who do not have societal access to what's considered "healthy." How do you tell a woman who is holding down two jobs to support her children that she needs to head to the gym or go for a walk when she can't afford gym membership or her neighborhood is not safe...even if she had the time and energy to do these things? How do we justify penalizing a family that lives in a neighborhood without access to healthy food choices (i.e. safe neighborhood grocery stores with affordable fresh produce).

Even the underlying assumption feels offensive to me. The idea behind this part of the debate is that we want to keep costs low, so we need to penalize those groups we think can do something about their potential for health related problems because they might cost more. It is easy for people to believe that this will only affect people who are fat or who smoke, but it opens the door for invasion into other habits as well. People who have unprotected sex open themselves to STDs and pregnancies. Those who engage in high-injury sports (including football, hockey, soccer) open themselves up to orthopedic injuries and the possibility of early onset dementia from head trauma. Where will we draw the line? Who gets to decide.

The reality is that most of the rising costs of healthcare have to do with the aging of our population. The older you get, the more you need healthcare. The greater burden you become on the system. Perhaps we should start trying to determine who is going to live the longest and charge them more now, on the off chance that they will live to 95?

We need healthcare for all people, but we need to think about the way that we are organizing the provision of it with an eye to long term consequences.

Lights out!

2009-11-18T13:28:00.000-08:00

PG&E turned the lights off at my work today. It's for maintenance on a transformer that feeds our building...but mid-day power outages for dialysis clinics are not really a great idea.

Anywho, I got a chunk of time off to go home and do some more cleaning. I'm having a Passion Party on Friday (sort of a tupperware party for sex toys and spa products). It's going to be small, but I'm looking forward to it.

It feels good to look forward to something.

Oh, hi there!

2009-11-16T11:28:00.000-08:00

So I survived the thrush and eventually shook the sinus infection. I performed in my concert at the beginning of October and then a couple of weeks later, went to MN to visit my parents and do some additional ancestry research. It was a lovely trip.

And I'm back to my regular routine. I spend my time avoiding difficult things (like washing dishes and doing laundry), and wishing I were independently wealthy. I also work hard not to get glutened, which is getting less and less.

I have been experiencing some SAD this fall. I don't get out in the sun enough...and truthfully, I don't get enough sleep. So I've been more tearful and things seem less "bright." I don't know what to do about that right now. I'm trying to get more sun and some exercise now and then, which also helps with better mood.

I sometimes think that taking care of me is a full-time job....shouldn't we be getting paid for this? People who have kids should be paid much more than they are.

I just finished my open enrollment for insurance, at work. I have to admit feeling frustrated and angry. The choices are lacking a certain something...mostly accessibility. Isn't health insurance through an employer supposed to be financially feasible - so we don't have to decide whether we can afford medication or doctor's visits when we are sick? Not so much anymore.

Bah!

So here's what I am grateful for in the midst of all of this: My co-worker, Sonya, with a bit of a sarcastic edge. My partner. That the earth's core isn't heating up and thus sparing me from having to choose to stay and watch the Golden Gate tumble into the ocean or driving to Yellowstone to watch it blow up (I'm pretty sure I'd choose the latter). That I have a private practice that I love. Ghost Hunters - even though I'm pretty sure they are faking some of the "evidence."

I'm still alive

2009-09-30T21:22:00.000-07:00

I've been keeping busy, lately, with the choir concert coming up.

I have made some personal commitments to support my health which I've been somewhat spotty in keeping. However, I did cook at home tonight...and spent some time doing laundry. I've been doing a little bit better getting to bed at a reasonable hour each night.

In general, I know what I need to do, I just don't always do it. A lot of this has to do with my anxiety and frustration with work. I've decided to get back to sending out resumes, even if it's just an exercise. Something may turn up.

Well, friends. I'm off to do a little more cleaning, then go to bed.

Peace!

Thrush and gorillas

2009-09-20T21:02:00.000-07:00

So the thrush is being rooted out, thanks to the Nystatin. It sucks and I really don't want to experience this again.

One of the bizarre things that happened is that I lost my apetite. This seems like a bad thing, but since it hurt to swallow, it was actually a blessing in disguise. Unfortunately, my apetite came back yesterday before my throat is feeling fully healed.

Thank the gods for soft foods.

Today, I did feel well to go to my ritual group. We had a lovely time and were led in a shamanic journey to get in touch with endangered animals that we had chosen to bring into the ritual.

I had chose gorillas. I had the experience of being a gorilla for the short journey. I still don't have many words for the experience, but I took away the sense of connectedness that gorillas develop in their family groups. An immediacy of their lives.

It was very cool and it renews my desire to pursue learning more about shamanism.

One of the things that the woman who lead the shaman's journey said was that the difference between being a shaman and a sorcerer is that the shaman keeps as their intention to benefit all life. The sorcerer calls change into being for their own gain. Of course, it is hard to tease that out sometimes as we are a somewhat narcissistic species.

Still, it occurred to me that this is what I find is wrong with the Secret. So much of what I believe about magic is that we can use our will to shift the course of the world. But to do so with the point of simply furthering your own gain seems wrong. It also seems that it can throw things out of balance.

Anyway. I'm feeling better, but still tired. I'm going to focus in the next few weeks to be well and ready to sing in my choir concert.

Also, I would be happy if anyone has some extra healing energy to send out to my mom. She goes in for knee replacement surgery on Tuesday morning. I'm sure she'll do just fine and make a quick recovery. :)

Perfect Storm...

2009-09-18T12:25:00.000-07:00

So I finally got to see my allergist who diagnosed and put me on meds for the sinus infection.

Then a new symptom developed...a sore throat. I thought I was getting strep, but it turns out that the soreness and the white spots at the back of my throat are probably thrush (especially as, after just one dose, the medication for it has resulted in a disappearance of the white spots).

Upon doing some investigation, it seems that I was running straight toward this overgrowth. Celiac disease, especially when you get glutened, can predispose you...as can an illness (like a sinus infection) and inhaled steroids (like the stuff I take for my allergies and started increasing as a way to deal with my allergies). Then, when my doc prescribed prednisone along with the antibiotic, I think my body just threw up its hands and let the yeast move in.

So it hurts to swallow, but I'm already getting treatment.

In the meantime, this is a huge red flag to me. I need to start doing some things to improve my overall health. And this means committing time to it: cooking at home and not taking the chance of getting glutened...being better at cleaning so I'm sure there's not a lot of extra alternaria, the mold I'm allergic to, around...and getting an air purifier. And walking...yes, walking and swimming when I'm feeling better.

'Cause I want to reduce the possibility that this will happen again.

Updates

2009-09-14T18:18:00.000-07:00

Patrick Swayze passed away. Another pop icon who is gone.

Also, I apparently have a sinus infection and an ear infection. I will have antibiotics soon, and will perhaps be able to get through the day without feeling like I need to tip over at various times.

Off to bed soon.

Middle ages

2009-09-12T21:55:00.000-07:00

I keep forgetting, often, that I am now in that place between old and young. I know that many people in my life think of me as a "baby," but there are many, many others who I now think of as really young.

I'm planning a trip for next year to Denmark. I will be 40 when I am there. The last 10 years have been incredibly fast, it seems. And things are good and I am hopeful that they will only continue to get better.

But things are also getting more edgy, if you will. My mother had her first heart attack when she was 41 and open heart surgery a year later. She's now almost 70 and, I learned yesterday, needs to have a knee replacement surgery.

I've had my firsts...first grey hair, first wrinkles, first hot flash...and I can acknowledge that I'm pretty firmly in the peri-menopause camp.

And I am at the point where I am wondering what I really want to get out of the next years of my life.

I watched a very depressing documentary tonight about what happens to people who die without next of kin. First off, ewww! There were some really unsavory scenes involving corpses that I was better off not knowing about. I'm not sure how people work in morgues.

There is a pretty fair probability that I will die without immediate next of kin. So this really brought home to me the need to have plans about what I want done after my death. But I'm a little sad that it may be true that I could have limited community toward the end. As an introvert, I'm going to work harder on cultivating that community.

I feel like I'm getting macabre in this post, but I do seem to be much more concious that I don't have all the time in the world anymore. I'm not going to drastically change my life, but I do feel a need to evaluate what I want and how I might go about getting that.

Not much to say beyond that tonight. Sleep well, blogland.

Family

2009-09-08T09:29:00.000-07:00

I've been busy on Ancestry.com lately. I'm doing my genealogy. Actually, I've pretty much gone as far with my direct genealogy as I can go, and have started building my tree up with in-laws and their predecessors.

I've determined, thus far, that I am related by marriage or blood to almost everyone in Shelby county, Iowa. And, it now seems, the little town of Thisted, Denmark. Also, I think my family must have been connected with everyone in the Hunderup neighborhood of Ribe, Denmark as well.

It's a little strange sometimes to wander off along these pathways of marriage and blood. I start wondering why, for instance, 2 sons and a daughter in one family in Thisted moved to the US. Or why a single woman in her 20s would make that journey. Helge Rosenkilde, aged 22, born in Rabild, Denmark did.

I'm also amazed at what survives in some of these records. I know about Helge's journey on her own because I can look at a scan of the ship's manifest and read that she was headed to Harlan, IA and she names her father as her closest relative still in Denmark. She is listed as a servant. Who's servant was she, I wonder?

Then there are the family members who do or do not take or keep the names that they were given. For instance, I believe that my mother's maiden name should be Gotlieb but the name was changed when the family came to the US. Gotlieb was still in the names of 2 of the male family members, but the rest took this new name for which there are no other families in existance with the name. Did they want to be different? Did they not want to be known as Gotliebs any more? And why, when they settled in the US with their new name did they not pick just one version (there are at least 3 in the records) by which to be called.

It is all so strange and interesting. It makes me think of how easy it was back then to just move away and disappear.

When I feel overwhelmed...

2009-08-25T14:30:00.000-07:00

My general reaction is to try to stick my head in the sand. Either by reading, blogging, playing "Restaurant City" on Facebook. None of this is terribly effective except in the very short term.

Lately, I've been really overwhelmed. This is a by-product of my work. I've never loved the job I'm in. For an introvert, it's somewhat excruciating to be in the midst of a dialysis center. But over the past 9 months, I have not been able to adjust myself to the task of getting all the new things done.

I've never been able to get everything done. I think that most people feel that way at this position, but with the new rules that the CMS came up with, there has been more work...more paperwork. Which means that the amount of time to do the social work that I enjoy doing more than the paperwork is not happening as often. But the need for that doesn't go away. So things pile up.

Psychically, I am standing on my tiptoes to look over the pile of stuff that needs doing in order to see the screen in front of me.

I was talking to my co-worker yesterday about feeling anxious and how this often makes me feel sick (or make bad food choices which makes me sick). We talked about the possibility that I need to increase my antidepressants (she's a social worker, too, we talk about these things).

Here's the problem: I go home and over the weekend, or on vacation, or during my days off, I feel good. I feel happy about things generally. I like choir and singing and dancing. I have fun with my friends when I get to see them. I am in love with S and continue to enjoy spending time with him.

My anxiety and feeling down all revolves around this job. Bah humbug!

Whole Foods brouhaha

2009-08-17T15:46:00.000-07:00

Last week, the CEO of Whole Foods wrote an opinion piece in the Wall Street Journal. In it, he laid out his (I believe) misguided ideas about health care and the role of personal responsibility in health. My own thoughts on this are that the world is much more complicated than a gentleman who can afford to not take a salary for a year would be able to see. He also threw in some fat bashing at the end of his opinion piece.

None of this endeared me to this CEO (whose name I can never remember...I think I'm blocking it), but I've been a little surprised that there is a movement to boycott Whole Foods. Which is then accompanied by the annoying reactions of some people to bash the boycott.

I'm not going to bash the boycott, but I guess that I don't believe such an action will 1) accomplish anything on the broader healthcare debate or 2) change the attitudes of the CEO. It also runs counter to my desire to support a company that, otherwise, holds a number of things valuable that I also value: environmental awareness, donation of precentage of profits to community programs, excellent customer service, and availabillity of products that I can use.

This last one is an important piece to me, I recognize this. Since realizing that I cannot eat gluten, I have spent a lot of time shopping places where I have to read every label I pick up. The lack of gluten free (gf) products in most places is down-right maddening. The only other grocer that comes this close to being gf-friendly is Trader Joe's...but most of their stuff is not clearly marked or, if it has no gluten products, was made on equipment that may be contaminated with gluten. (Also, TJs gf list contains a disclaimer that the shopper should always read the ingredients even if they are on the gf list, in case they are no long gf. Thanks!)

Even at Whole Foods, large portions of the store are off limits to me. But, at least, I can do most of my shopping in one place. It is expensive, but shopping gf is often expensive regardless of where I have to go.

I guess I am left feeling rather perplexed. Perhaps, my life is so entangled with the corporate world (I work in a medical corporation, I have a partner who worked at a drug company, I even shop at corporations that have policies on labor and unions that I don't agree with...since most grocery stores have anti-union shops, I'm guessing that you do too) that I understand that there are things that I need to hold a line about and things I don't.

In this case, I don't feel the need to hold the line about this. I don't believe that this one letter is going to cause more problems than the horrible scenes at a few town halls that have been getting ad nauseum air time on FOX. Indeed, I believe that paying attention to it has caused it to be a rallying point for people who are terribly reactionary. This, in my opinion, helps no one.

Friends of mine are taking a different stand on this, and I respect their right to speak out...it's a bit odd to find myself on the disagreeing end of this, though.

Oh, hello, there!

2009-08-12T11:44:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been a long time since I've been on my blog. I'm sorry not to keep you all updated better.

I got back, last week, from a conference & vacation combo in DC. It was hot, but lovely to see friends and make new ones. I really do love DC, except for the weather.

I'll come back later tonight and give you more of an update...maybe even some pics from DC (although I didn't take too many).

Peace!

What I eat

2009-07-13T08:37:00.001-07:00

Over on Facebook, I've been doing a food journal. My reasons for this are that I get frustrated with my own anxiety around food. Doing this journal brings up all those feelings of having myself bared and open to criticism.

I shared the story of going to a naturopath and presenting a one-week food journal and have her respond that I really wasn't eating enough to be as fat as I am. One of my friends pointed out the implication that I was probably lying on the journal.

I'm going to follow-up the week on Facebook with a week here. This may be redundant, but oh well. I'm finding that I'm learning a lot from this and want to continue.

What I'm learning - how the process of doing this changes how I normally eat...and why. My reluctance to connect any kind of emotional reaction to food or eating, despite the fact that this happens for everyone (even when you are not concious of it). My inclination to label "good" and "bad" the ways in which I eat.

The whole process is charged.

So soon, you will have daily posts from me again...at least, for a week and mostly about food. But I'll be around.

Deviation from the norm

2009-07-08T08:50:00.000-07:00

The CDC, last week, launched a new website called Lean Works which encourages companies to create workplace obesity prevention programs. There is even a helpful obesity cost calculator, and encouragement by our government for employers to remember that obese people are not as productive and are prone to absenteeism.

Most of you know that I come down more closely to the socialist end of the spectrum than the libertarian, but this has me strongly considering my options. Why? Because our government is practically inducing my employer to make me tell them personal health information (you know, the stuff that is supposed to be my own damn business).

The government has been very clear in the past that employers are not to discriminate against people for a wide variety of traits. They cannot ask me what my sexual orientation is or who or how I choose to worship. They are supposed to look at my experience, my references, my interview results, my training, and pick the best person based on those metrics. But as people who present as different on the surface of things know, these things make know difference if your potential employer has preconceived notions based upon what you look like.

Now along with a host of subconcious cultural input, potential employers are going to think of the cost of hiring someone large...they are going to think of this person as a drain on their company without knowing anything about them.

And the employees that they do know? Well, there are already examples of employers who are penalizing their fat employees by making them pay more for health insurance. In Japan, the government has gone so far as to start penalizing companies who do not decrease the size of their employees waist bands (literally) over certain periods of time. I'm sure that leaves fat Japanese employees feeling very safe in their positions.

Does being fat cost more? Yes...so does having children. And the federal government has stepped in and told employers that 1) they cannot ask about children during interviews or the hiring process & 2) they are not allowed to fire their pregnant employees when they need to take leave from their job to care for a newborn. We are also protected from being asked about other chronic conditions...my Celiac Disease has been far more problematic for my medical insurance and my need for sick days than my fat has...and the 2 are completely unrelated.

Here's the rub. Fat you can see. And because you can see it, you cannot fully guard against the discrimination and stigma that exists as a result. And because it is being heralded as some awful disease process that is somehow completely within our control, many people don't give a rat's ass about what is said or done to "teh fatties" so long as they don't have to sit next to them in their crowded airplane seat.

I don't even want to argue the points about diet and exercise right now. It feels like an ever growing moot point. As a human being, I have been endowed with "certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness." I assert as another one of these unalienable rights a right to live my life without having to modify my body, except as I so choose to.

We're getting larger!

2009-07-01T08:25:00.000-07:00

I know that some of you will read the articles in the paper and online today about the growing number of obese Americans with the horror that it is intended to engender.

I don't...as I'm sure you would guess. I do have some hope, as more people become fatter, that more will see as clearly as I do, the way in which the "obese" are discussed as other...a problem that must be dealt with.

This is subtle, but it is there. Civilized oppression at its finest. The creation of other makes it easy for those who are fat-phobic to have a greater voice. Just read the comments that follow the articles and I'm sure you'll get your fill of it.

I have all sorts of feelings about solutions that are proposed, but I'll leave them for another time.

Those of you just joining the fold of teh fats, welcome!

Cogitating

2009-06-24T08:16:00.000-07:00

I'm doing a lot of reading of studies on obesity and stigma. I hate the term obesity, and it makes me furious that people who are writing cannot understand that part of the stigmatizing of being fat is having my size relegated to an "illness."

I don't feel sick. I've been fat for a long time and most of that time I've felt perfectly healthy. Some things are more difficult for me than for thinner people, but I would challenge you to do the activities I do with a backpack with at least 50 lbs extra weight every day.

I am strong. Brian and I wrestle sometimes. He tries to hold me down and keep me from going to the bathroom or some such thing. One morning, I wriggled out from under him and got my feet on the ground. He held on tight and I dragged his full-body weight down the hallway to the bathroom.

Now that I'm not eating gluten, I have energy. In the past 6 months, I feel like I am back to most of the things that I used to be able to do before the Lyme and before the gluten issues. I have allergies, but somehow I think that if I weighed 150, I'd have allergies, too.

I do not have an illness. I was amazed at one of the grocery mags showing Kirsty Allie and her struggle with self (because she's not struggling with weight so much as with who she is). They reported that, at 250 lbs, she collapsed, as though her weight were so huge that she could no longer support herself. Well, reader's, at 260, I am no where near collapse. And I never think of myself as "disgusting" (maybe that's what caused a collapse).

I know the things that fat correlates to...but I am growing increasingly aware that fat also is severly stigmatized, and a constant threat to self causes stress. Stress is also correlated with all those same illnesses. So how much is the fat and how much is the stigma of being fat causing fatness.

Sometimes, I just want to put up a billboard with lot's of happy fat people (women and men) with this title: "We are not the enemy!" Because it feels like there is a war against me and my fat going on out there.

Health crisis in America!

2009-06-09T16:37:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine has recently begun a training program in "integrated nutrition." She sent out an e-mail to let everyone in the Bay Area know that the head of the training program was coming out to basically sell his training program in a "free seminar."

As a lead-in to one of the paragraphs she used the wording in the title of this post. And, seeing as I am mostly used to seeing this verbage in connection with the "obesity epidemic," it left me wondering if we really do have a crisis in health in the US.

I am well aware that we are spending more and more on healthcare in the US. But I'm also aware that we keep developing new medications and treatments which continue to extend the age of the average American. And we keep making more babies. And when people have 8 babies, we do everything in our power (even spending a disproportionate amount of money) on keeping all those babies alive.

Now I think that we should keep doing these things...I'm a tax and spend liberal, of course....but I think we need to recognize that this "crisis" that we face is also the "opportunities" we have developed for ourselves. We really like the idea of living for a long time. And we are healthier than we have ever been. We also like the idea of taking care of the young and vulnerable...that just makes us feel good.

I'm afraid that if we focus on "crisis" though that we are going to focus on the grey "areas." Indeed, I feel as though the pathologizing of obesity has become one of those areas.

It's frustrating because if we think instead of this as a time of "opportunity," perhaps we can come up with solutions that go beyond witholding or blaming others and figure out a system that serves us all well.

Gluten, gluten everywhere....

2009-06-08T07:54:00.000-07:00

I went out with S & SS on Saturday to celebrate their return from their trip. In discussing whether there was wheat in some item on the appetizers menu, I learned that I had gotten glutened by the restaurant earlier in the week. It had caused me to take a day off, and now I'm having lovely stomach aches.

It wasn't the restaurants fault. I hadn't asked, but just made the assumption that everything was gluten free because it was Thai.

I have several conferences where they will be serving meals this summer. I've already let one of them know...the other I'm trying to figure out who to contact.

It just gets so tiresome. Maybe in a year or 2 it will be secondhand, but right now, it's just annoying.

Geneology Mania

2009-06-01T07:59:00.000-07:00

Since returning from my trip to the coast, I've been literally obsessed with my geneology. This obsession is being spurred on by Ancestry.com and the resources they have on their website.

It's amazing how easily I'm finding information on a particular generation of people. Almost ridiculously easy.

There've been a few interesting tidbits, like the fact that my father's great-grandfather's family came from a place called Hundrup in Denmark. The church there kept great records and their birth records are all searchable.

But I've been staying up too late and now it's Monday and I am tired!

Weekend Away

2009-05-22T13:34:00.000-07:00

I'm heading out tomorrow for a much needed personal retreat. I've found a lovely inn in Inverness (do you like the aliteration?) to enjoy the outdoors, swim in the pool, relax in the whirlpool, do some uninterupted reading and watch some gratuitous cable.

Wow! I'm going to be busy.

Any memorial day plans for my peeps in blogland?

What Not To Wear

2009-05-14T08:10:00.001-07:00

I don't often buy new clothes. I often shop and buy clothes, but rare are the times I buy new.

This past weekend, feeling flush with tax returns, I went shopping for new things. I didn't spend much, but it felt like a lot. But I was motivated by a colleague's coments about how she's going to report me to "What Not To Wear."

Now don't get me wrong, I would love to be on the show. First, being given $5000 to spend on a new wardrobe: woot woot! But there's also a part of me that would love to go be fat and proud on the show. And, of course, there is the idea of having Nick Arojo's hands in my hair that is part of a wide variety of personal fantasies.

But as I was thinking about what my colleague said, I realized that she is right. I often will go shopping at thrift stores or other places and find things that fit, but may be too baggy. I also know that, I have lost at least a size since finding out about my gluten thing. There was very little real weight loss, but it was mostly inflamation and bloating. So most of those clothes that have fit me not too long ago are getting to the very baggy stage.

And, then, there are the internal rules that I have played by for decades. Baggy is good to hide the "bulges." Neutral is better than color to not attract attention. These are no longer rules that I want to live by.

So true to the WNTW show, I created a set of rules for myself and went shopping. I'm very happy with what I found, for the most part. I do need to have one pair of pants I bought slightly altered (something I've never done, but was wanting to do with these pants...I have a shape that does not always lend itself to typical pants sizing). But, all in all, I am happy with my choices. I feel good. I look good in these clothes. And I got lot's of compliments.

Still, I do have the other clothes. If you'd like to refer me for WNTW, I would willing bring out the old stuff for your video taping pleasure!

Bejeweled

2009-05-12T07:50:00.000-07:00

Bah...I had this game on a PDA I had a few years ago, and practically wore out the screen playing it all the time. Now I've found the facebook version and it sucked away my evening yesterday.

Tonight, there will be no time for Bejeweled and I will work on forgetting that it exists.

How's everyone?

International No Diet Day

2009-05-06T08:30:00.000-07:00

There is this belief that if we are thin we are healthy. Health, that slippery concept, is really not the biggest issue for most fat people...it's stigma.

This past week, another study came out about how health professionals (this time dietetic students) are biased against fat people. This gets added to a huge list of other fat-phobic folks: doctor's, nurses, therapists, employers - hell, even other fat people.

In a comment section on an opinion piece regarding the recent decision of United, one commenter summed up the level of vitriol fat folks are routinely subjected to: "It's hard enough having to look at you..." This is not about anyone's legitimate concern for their fellow human, this is hate pure and simple.

We diet, in this country, because we are afraid of "teh fats." There are always other reasons to tack on, but it often comes down to this. Then we learn to hate ourselves because our bodies (in their infinite wisdom) are incredibly efficient at staving off famine, and 95% of people who have initial success at weight loss end up gaining it all back.

Today, take a minute to stop hating the fat on your body (I don't care how much you have or where it is). Feel hunger and feed it. Move around in your body to find out what makes it feel good. Make a decision today to just accept who you are.

Safety/boundaries

2009-05-04T08:02:00.000-07:00

The professional organization that I am attending a conference for (Assoc. for Size Diversity and Health) has recruited as their keynote speaker this year Susie Orbach.

She is obviously well-known and has a size-diversity book recently out, but there is much upset about a woman with an historical stance that says people (really just women) are fat as a way of hiding from our lives and our sexuality. She also has been supportive of working to end the "obesity epidemic."

These are problematic stances for me, and I am also very interested in what she has to say. I find myself falling somewhere in the middle of people who are passionately arguing and I keep wanting to throw myself into the fray. To say what? Stop fighting!

I have a very hard time with conflict. Conflict in my family of origin was brief, brutal (not physically, just emotionally for me), and then never again spoken of. In this instance, I feel particularly torn as it mimics a situation from my childhood when I stood between 2 shouting adults that I loved and attempted to take each of their sides.

I have had to remove myself because I recognize that there is no place for me to safely step into a debate in which both sides feel reasonable. This is a good boundary for me to hold, but it also feels slippery. I don't know how better to describe it.

Background Noise

2009-04-30T08:44:00.001-07:00

This week there has, obviously, been a lot of background noise. It's left me feeling on edge.

But there are some lovely things going on in my life right now as well. I have a tomato plant growing that I haven't killed yet. One planter box of lettuce sprouts seem to be thriving. I get to spend a week with kitties starting tomorrow.

I'm also excited about having a letter to the editor published and coming up with ideas for a pro-body/fat-positive psychological stance. I'm reading a lot in this process, but I really think this is the way to go with my practice and my clients. In many ways I already practice this way, but I want to have more internal structure for myself around it.

I think that's all for now.

More on the fat

2009-04-23T08:07:00.001-07:00

This morning, the romance novel I was reading got me pondering. You see, I've gone back to reading romances with large heroines (the few that are out there).

I remembered as I read the heroine's thoughts about who she experienced other's perception of her size a discussion that popped up on Fat Bitches who Love Trashy Novels when I asked for recommendations of such books. In the discussion, there were those who got frustrated with the theme of the heroine thinking about her weight.

Now, really, this is not an unfair criticism given that we are talking about a genre in which the heroine is meant to be unnaturally plucky and resilient. Seriously, with the histories some of them have, they should be experiencing severe PTSD. But I was angered by the criticism as well.

Hot on the heals of "the paper based on smoke and mirrors" that I might have mentioned in my last post, I am reminded of the ways in which me and my body are seen. Although there has been an increase in the size of headless and faceless fatties whose pictures adorn such articles as the one in the Sun, I still understand that someday someone may put a stock photo of my ass up on the internet and voila! my ass could become a star.

My awareness of other people's reactions to me is pretty elevated. This happens when something is experienced as a trauma...and being stigmatized is traumatic. I think about it. I wonder what other people think when they see me with S. I wonder what other people think when they see me eating in public (something I do less now that I'm gluten free, sadly). I wonder what they imagine when they see me exercising.

I hate that these are always present for me, but I get on with my life. I am proud of who I am on so many levels, including the one in which I am learning to be proud of standing up for my body (I'm not yet at the proud of my fat, yet...that's in progress). So it is a relief, and a celebration, when I find a book whose heroine, like me, is aware of the stigma she faces for her size and keeps on living her life anyway.

"Fatties cause global warming"

2009-04-22T15:55:00.000-07:00

Thus ran a headline in the Sun today, a UK newspaper that combines the brevity of USA Today and the inanity of the National Inquirer. So why am I reporting on this silliness? Because other more reputable resources are also reporting on a new paper released in the International Journal of Epidemiology this week.

The actual title, for those who want to get your free copy from the Journal, is "Population adiposity and climate change." This is not a study, so I won't call it one. It is a theoretical analysis.

What this theoretical analysis is analyzing is how fat people have increased the amount of greenhouse gasses due to our insatiable hunger and inability to walk comfortably (and therefore our increased reliance on cars). In doing this it creates 2 hypothetical populations of around 1 billion people each. One has the approximate size diversity of the UK in 1970...the other has the approximate estimate of size diversity in the UK in 2010.

All things being equal, the papers authors posit, a fatter population will eat more and drive cars more. They will cause us to produce more food and use more fuel. Which, of course, has raised the green house emissions and caused climate change...or if it has not caused it, it is certainly a "problem" now. I quote: "We argue that increased population adiposity, because of its contribution to climate change from additional food and transport GHG (greenhouse gas) emissions, should be recognized as an environmental problem."

Where to begin? First to say, this is a sad trope that has been beaten to death, and using big words and complicated math and epidemiologic theories is not going to make this more tired.

Second, there is in no way that these hypothetical populations are equivalent to distributions of size diversity, resource availability, or energy expenditure on a global scale. In other words, the ability to generalize this information to reality is severely limited...in a similar way in which the ability to generalize Star Trek to our current reality is severely limited.

Third, the assumptions about the energy consumption and expenditure of "normal," overweight, and obese populations are just that: assumptions....and you know what you say when you assume something. Seriously, though, there are no good scientific measures that consistently show what the average consumption is for someone or it's relationship to energy output. Yes, we know about the calorie, but that assumes a static system in every living person in the population. One thing we should be able to acknowledge is that no individuals system is exactly the same as another.

Fourth, no account (either in change of energy expenditure or in difference of transportation patterns) was made for the changing aspects of the types of neighborhoods these 2 different theoretical populations would have lived in. These people assume that the average person spends 30 minutes driving each day. Where the fuck, I wonder, do these people live? Anyone who lives in the suburbs and commutes in to work knows that a 15 minute drive each way is something of a miracle. Even if you live close, you may have children that need transport or a parent in need of care and moving around.

Fifth, think of the children! These authors didn't. Where are you finding a population of 1 billion that does not have some portion of that being children?

Sixth, how you can expect to have any epidemiological analysis of the effects of greenhouse gasses without acknowledging the doubling of our global population in that same amount of time is beyond me. Indeed, it seems completely unethical to do so.

These six problems are just the few that I've thought of in a few hours time. Given time, and perhaps someone who could interpret the analysis into actual English for me, I could more than likely come up with more.

I am sick of the bashing today. I am sick knowing that people look at me and my friends and family and they believe that we, increasingly, are the enemy. I am sick of being blamed for processes that started on this planet long before our current generations were alive.

The last line in the Sun article is from their in-house medical consultant who warns that antagonizing the "fatties" may not help. Indeed, antagonizing this fatty just makes her madder and madder...which doesn't make her skinnier, but it does make her friends in blogland that much better informed. So keep up the fat baiting and start to ponder how dangerous big mammals are when they get mad!

Earth Day

2009-04-22T11:51:00.001-07:00

I've never been very big on Earth Day. I guess I don't know why we have just one day to celebrate the earth that we live on. Without it we would not exist. It is the makings of our very bodies.

I guess, though, that I can use Earth Day to announce that I am the brand new mother of a crop of mixed salad greens. I noticed last night that they had started sprouting. Yay! Unfortunately, I think I may be killing the basil I planted. The tomato, however, is growing like mad.

Have a lovely day!

New Orleans Trip

2009-04-16T08:15:00.000-07:00

Despite my best efforts, we traveled to New Orleans with a plan. S has a hard time not planning...but he is very good at being somewhat flexible at changing the plan as needed.

Day 1: Flying to NO went smoothely and some of the time was spent planning, which was actually pretty important (yes, I'll admit it). Upon arrival, we checked in to the Marriot, found our room, then promptly left to wander about the Vieux Carre. We also wandered along the Mississippi and saw ghostly lights in a building on the other shore. Dinner was the lovely gluten-free experience I mentioned in an earlier note. Then to bed early, as we had big plans for the next day.

Day 2: After a breakfast snack, we headed off on the St Charles streetcar into the Business District and the Garden District. We had a nice walk through several blocks, which S regaled me with some of the similarities between the neighborhood he grew up in and the one we were in. We shopped at Whole Foods (no luck at finding already boiled eggs), and caught a cab back to the hotel. Thus far, we were perfectly on schedule. We headed to the Hermann-Grima house. It is a Georgian-style home, unique in the French Quarter. The tour was informational and fun. We learned about the financial ups and downs of the families who lived here and the customs of the day. I did not take any pictures, which would later be to my advantage. We found lunch at a Po-boy sandwich place before heading down to the river to listen to the Calliope organ concert. Ordering a grilled chicken salad from a sandwich shop is not recommended for a gluten-intolerant diet. After boarding the steamboat Natchez, we ate aforementioned lunch...which caused me some stomach upset toward the end of the boat ride. Although it was narrated the best parts of the boat ride were going down to the steam engine and having S explain how it all worked. I cannot remember what we did that night...but most likely it was another early night.

Day 3: Breakfast, then off to Jackson Square to join a tour of the French Quarter, then tour the 1850 House. Our tour guide was an interesting woman who brought out the rabid Unionist in me, by consistently referring to the Civil War as the War of Northern Aggressions. Although we learned to distinguish a balcony from a gallery and which bricks were made from Mississippi mud, it was not a very interesting tour. S and I went to find some lunch before going for the tour of the 1850 House. The pictures of the house are already uploaded. There was no tour of this, but it was fun to wander around. At one time, the door to the attic swung open, then shut (ghost or draft?). Back at the hotel, we rested before going downstairs to meet our transportation to our swamp tour. The drive off to Slidel, LA was illuminating as we drove through areas in the city and in the suburbs that are still completely desolate. The swamp tour was fun. It was a beautiful area, but cold. Because of the weather, we only saw the one alligator. But I did see no-see-ums. Mostly, after I'd slapped them (they are tiny little specks). I would later develop welts which still itch a bit. Returning after the swamp tour, we found dinner, then went to bed.

Day 4: After registering for the PCA/ACA Conference, we took a tour of the nearby Insectorium. There were much larger crowds of children than I could appreciate. But I got to pet a dung beatle and have lunch at a table with a tarantula. What more can a girl ask for? Back at the conference, S and I went our separate ways for most of the rest of the day. The conference had a wonderful conglomeration of areas. Over the course of the rest of the week, I heard about many fascinating topics: vampires, BTVS, romance novels, feminist utopias in fiction, medicine, fat studies in many different disciplines....and many I'm sure I'm forgetting. After finding dinner together, S and I, then, attended a showing of Fido. It's a movie I highly recommend and a new genre for S, who I think is still not sure what to make of it. I also one a drawing and now have a collection of "classic" horror films.

Day 5: Most of the day spent in the conference. S and I had planned to go for an Evensong at an Episcopal church, but after some checking learned that there would be a Maundy Thursday service that night, instead. So we went off to Preservation Hall to hear the performance of a brass band. I was a bit foot weary after waiting in line for over an hour, so I didn't find myself wanting to stay for the full set. But I did enjoy what we saw.

Day 6: We went to one session before heading off for another walking tour...this time on Cemeteries and Voodoo. We toured the St Louis Cemetery #1, where we learned how those tombs in the pictures can house several generations of remains. Many of the memorials have fallen into disrepair as families died out or moved away. We walked to Congo Square and Louis Armstrong park and learned about some of the African American history of early NO, then it was to a Voodoo Temple and store. Miriam, the Voodoo priestress, is older and appears to be having a bit of dementia. Still, it was cool to see the altars, and I made some promised purchases in the store. S and I wandered back through the Quarter and found a place for lunch. Then it was back to the hotel for the rest of the day of conference. That evening, we met up with most of the other presenters of the Fat Studies sessions for dinner. It was a lovely time.

Day 7: Conference all day, with my presentation in the late afternoon. During my session, another presenter, Charlotte, introduced us to The Chubsters, a fat, queer, girl gang which she offered to "jump me" into after the session. The Chubsters has become part performance and part activism. I am now (as "Plump Puppy") a card carrying Chubster. So don't mess with me! After the session, S and I had plans to go to see a performance by Chris Owens at her club. (Chris Owens is a performer who is something of a New Orleans tradition, and from S's description is well worth the price of admission....she looks a bit like a female drag queen. She's also the sponsor/hostess of the Easter Parade for the next day). Unfortunately, I was exhausted and feeling strongly introverted, so I sent S off and stayed at home to have dinner in the room and watch television. We both had a lovely evening, although it would have been good to be together either way.

Day 8: Wake up and dress up, then we headed to the continental breakfast at the Astor hotel. Once we got our float assignment, we headed out and started taking pictures. It was a blast. The family and gay guys on our float had lots of beads which they generously shared. Throwing out beads was fun, and everyone I saw with a dog got one. After the parade (we went through 12 cases of beads on our float alone), we went back to the Astor for brunch. Good food, good company (a family from Fargo who were taking a break between floods), and some good dancing (the Electric Slide...then I taught S the fine points of the Chicken Dance). We headed back to the hotel to try to recharge my camera battery, only to find that the charger is now broken. So we rested before heading out to watch the gay Easter parade. We were recognized once as we went to the parade, then afterwards someone thanked us for sharing "our" city with them. I guess we looked officially N'awleans. Dinner was non-traditional Japanese (sushi for me without soy sauce). Then it was back to the hotel to pack and sleep.

Day 9: To the airport and flying back to Oakland. SS picked us up at the airport and we all went for dinner to Fentons. We regaled her with pictures and stories. Then home, sweet home.

I did a lot more with S with me than I would have done on my own, except that I did less shopping. I hardly got into a store for anything but food. I did buy myself a lovely t-shirt with a cartoon of 2 dogs on it. This made me exceedingly happy. What also made me exceedingly happy is that, except for the hotel bill, I spent only the cash that I brought with me. As S paid for many of the meals and tours, this helped alot.

All in all, it was a wonderful trip. I really enjoyed NO and I hope to return for a visit sometime soon.

Wow!

2009-04-14T13:24:00.001-07:00

New Orleans was fabulous...there is too much to say and so much to be done at home right now. So here's a few pictures and I'll be back with a post about it all later.

Spins in an Easter Parade

St Louis Cemetery No. 1

Honey Island Swamp at sunset

Jackson Square

"Stella!"

2009-03-29T20:19:00.000-07:00

In a week, I'll be in New Orleans.

Several months ago, my abstract for the Fat Studies section of the Popular Culture Association Conference was accepted, and I started planning my trip. I'm, of course, going for the full week.

S is going with me. I'm both happy about this and a little worried. We had a good conversation yesterday about it and came up with a plan. S has trouble with the idea that we won't get to see everything. I have no problem with this.

I finished the paper today. I may need to do a little polishing, but I'm really happy with it. And I'm really excited about some of the other presentations that are happening. There are a ton of them (the conference program has 400+ pages). There's a whole theme on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, alone.

There's a lot to do before I get there, including my birthday party next Friday. I need to decide about where I want to eat for dinner, then it's a night full of pinball.

How's everyone in blogland?

Goodmorning!

2009-03-24T08:13:00.001-07:00

I have thoughts...even some I want to share. I really do. I just have been a little busy.

I leave for New Orleans in about 12 days. And I'm going to be in a parade there.

Day off?

2009-03-19T07:57:00.000-07:00

Fridays, I don't work at my dialysis job...but here's what my day looks like tomorrow:

9 a.m. My own therapy
11 a.m. Private Practice appointment
1:30 p.m. Chiropractor
3:00 p.m. Eye Doctor

And the rest of my evening will be worthless for much because they are going to dialate my eyes at the eye doctor.

At least I get to sleep in a little tomorrow. That'll be nice.

Conditions

2009-03-16T18:02:00.000-07:00

I'm amazed at people sometimes.

I am a part of a website called Paperback Book Swap. It's great for us book junkies. You list the books you want to get rid of and you search for books you want to get. You pay postage for the books you send to other people, but otherwise the service is (currently) free.

There is a function that allows people, when they request a book, to put conditions on the request. Many of these are quite reasonable and normal...a child has allergies, so please no musty smelling books (which might actually have mold). Or no books from smoking homes, etc.

But I accepted a book request from someone who was quite specific about the condition that she wanted the book sent to her in...no rips or folded pages. No underlining or highlighting. The cover should not be ripped in any way. And more. I didn't read them all...the book I'm sending is in new condition, but I was annoyed by all the conditions. This is a secondhand book swap (or 3rd or 4th). You are getting, essentially, what you pay for...and if you want to be picky, then you may want to swing the extra money for a pristine copy.

My therapist would probably say that I'm annoyed because this person is being picky when I don't feel I get to be. Damn straight!

Too Much Information

2009-03-14T19:30:00.000-07:00

Ever since I found out about the gluten thing, I've been reading labels. I have to. I buy shredded cheese and I have to find one that specifies what kind of plant cellulose they are using to keep it from "caking." I have to look to see if the flavorings are natural or artificial because I've learned the hard way that artificial flavorings can sometimes be suspect.

I'm, sadly, learning what things like carageenan are (its extracted from red seaweed...nummy nummy!).

I'm lucky, I know that I don't have to learn all the things that they call dairy or soy, but still.

Today, I learned that one of the sodas that I've been drinking has an extract from wood. Now it's not something that is glutenous, but the idea of it put me off of the soda. Why would that be in there?

I'm sure that people love watching me shop. I pick up a product, squint at the label (I usually scan it for the "gluten free" label), then purse my lips in frustration and put it back on the shelf.

The worse part, though, is that the past couple of weeks when I've gone shopping those conniving little gluten peddlars, the Girl Scouts, have been outside the store trying to lure me to the sick side of the street with their evil Thin Mints. I have thus far, abstained. (sigh)

Bang, bang, bang

2009-03-04T09:51:00.000-08:00

That's the noise that results, several times a day, when my head hits my desk.

I don't think that I have anyone that reads my blog who is a co-worker (or "teammate" as is the language of the "village"), and if there is please turn off your work filters for a moment.

Things feel like they are really chaotic around here recently. People are yelling at each other. There are miscommunications. Patients are in a tizzy.

And the chaos has been making me angry. This is crazy-making. I just spent a nice period of time letting someone vent who is generally the soul of understanding. It's frustrating that she feels so unsupported. Ack!

Okay, gotta go, more work.

2 things I love about my neighborhood

2009-02-28T19:39:00.001-08:00

There are many, but today I'll limit this to just 2:

Mariposa Bakery...my new best friend. I just had some of their hand-made gluten-free ravioli with pesto tonight. OMG, I've died and gone to heaven. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being where you are at this time in my life.

Mountain View Cemetery: I took a walk there this afternoon. It was fun to see the stones and the mausoleums. I found Ghiradelli's and Crocker's and Merritt's. I also found a few strange stones...one I've discovered is that of a local Gypsy king. You can read about it here. I also found one that seemed to say that a Martha Smith served in a Wisconsin regiment in the Civil War. I want to investigate that a bit more. Beautiful views and lot's of grave markers. Spins was in heaven.

Headless Fatties Rant

2009-02-25T08:32:00.000-08:00

Long before I became aware of the above term, the habit of many news stories of using headless shots of large bodies to illustrate the "unhealthiness" (you can read that more correctly as "ugliness" if you choose) of being fat enraged me.

I had vowed personally to pay close attention and if I ever recognized my own pants on the headless fat woman on the street, I would be calling a lawyer. And then I learned that others were outraged too.

I shouldn't have been surprised at this, but it was vindicating. I did not ever feel the same kind of vitriole about this from thinner friends (although I was probably making enough noise for both of us), and so hearing the outrage that others who are fat feel is reassuring.

It is perhaps a sign of how common a practice this is that I hardly notice anymore when it happens. Perhaps I've had to shut down my rage recently in lieu of things more pressing (like figuring out what was making me nauseous for the past year). But this morning, reading an article someone had forwarded to the Fat Studies listserv I'm on, I was shocked back into rage.

The picture that confronted me (and every other reader) was from a newspaper in Jamaica. It was trying to convince Jamaicans that they should not find fat attractive because it is unhealthy. This conflation of asthetics and health is continually horrifying to me, most especially because I work with chronically ill people (and have a chronic illness myself).

But they felt it necessary to pull out the biggest guns possible and introduced to the end of the article a torso-less fattie. The person in question (you could not even determine gender from the portrait) was seated in a type of chair that, let's be fair, makes any fanny less than admirable. So for the crime of sitting in a chair that many find uncomfortable and was never meant to be flattering this ass was captured on film.

I suppose that this hits me quite personally as well. One of the first body-related humiliations that I received was one day when I was probably about 6 sitting on a box in the park and hearing tittering behind me. 2 boys my age were drawing their own rendition of my ass and giggling. Now I was 6...my little bottom was curvy but not fat, and it was still horrifying.

It occurred to me this morning to be horrified, as well, that the feminist movement is not up in arms about this. At least, I haven't noticed it. They should be the first, I would think, to make the connection between the objectifying of a particular body part or portion (removing it from the context of the person it is connected to) as being wrong. Sure, they are used to the objectification-to-create-anonymous-sexual-object trope, but it's not such a leap to see that removing the person from the fattie creates a situation in which fatties become less-than. Thus opening the idea that we do not have to respect fat people as human beings.

Just a caveat...If you feel the need to make some sort of fat=death comment in response to this note (those of you who know me well will know better), restrain yourself. That's not what this note is about...and even if it were, there is never any excuse for dehumanizing another human being for any purpose, even if you believe it is for their own "good."

"Back to reality..."

2009-02-23T14:34:00.000-08:00

Blah. I've been talking for a long time about how I hate my job. Well, that feeling is back big-time.

I'm pretty sure it has something to do with case load size and difficulty of the issues I see in our population.

S actually suggested that I resign. Of course, that's more frightening that dealing with the anxiety, in these times. But I am applying for some jobs. So we'll see what pans out.

S has been sick. I think he's on the upswing now, but he's been really out of it and it makes him crazy to be cooped up.

Anyway, SS and I ended up going to see a ballroom dance competition this weekend that he'd wanted to join us at. It was a lot of fun. There was this young couple (probably only 13 or so) who kicked ass.

I also attended a meeting of my ritual group. That was lovely. But then the middle of Sunday I started feeling anxious again. It sucks.

Pantheacon, Days 3 & 4

2009-02-16T20:35:00.000-08:00

I think I burned myself out on the first 2 days. Sunday, I just wilted. I went to a 9 a.m. workshop when I had initially thought I would sleep in. That was probably my mistake.

The workshop was an herbal workshop. Some of it was frustrating because I am concerned, sometimes, that people are not really careful when working with herbs and don't educate themselves about contraindications or drug interactions.

I skipped the next workshop and wandered the vendor room. I bought a beautiful tarot deck and a book on urban paganism. Then I went to get some lunch...I ate at the hotel restaurant because I really needed meat.

I then decided not to go to a Freyja ritual, and went to a workshop on trees. But about 20 minutes in, I was falling asleep. So I headed back to my hotel room and there I stayed for the rest of the evening. It was so needed.

This morning, I went to a workshop entitled Reiki for Everyday. It was a horrible workshop. I learned very little about Reiki...and what I did learn felt like it was coaxed out of the instructor. It was as though she had such an intuitive grasp of it that she was unable to really articulate what it actually was.

I left that one early, too.

But then, I went to the workshop I'd been looking forward to for the whole weekend: Divine Embodiment with Ivo Dominguez. I love him. He is a teacher and an active pagan on the east coast. I've been to different things on his land and that he has attended. This is the first class I've attended, but it was awesome.

What I liked is that he could articulate things, and if you didn't get it with his first example, he would re-explain with a different example. I wish I could have done an intensive with him.

I saw a few folks on the way out to hug and wish well, then I drove home.

Now I am here (with my gluten-free donuts!), enjoying an evening of relaxation...because I also took Tuesday off. Yay!

Pantheacon, Days 1 & 2

2009-02-14T21:33:00.000-08:00

It's that time again. And I just love Pantheacon.

I'm feeling much more social this year. I know some people here, but don't know people in all the workshops. Still, I'm talking to more people.

On Friday, I went to a ritual where I got a message from Sekhmet. Then I spent the evening in a workshop where I called West. It was fun. While I was there, I got ribbons to hand out to people throughout today.

I started out writing poetry this morning, then went to a birthday party for a new tarot deck: the Tiny Tots Tarot. The afternoon was spent making an amulet to remind me that I have the divine within me. Then this evening I went to a workshop for women about how to make connections on-line. I one "sex dice" for reading the ad I'd written aloud. It was fun.

I topped off the night by petting several snakes (and, no, that is not a euphemism for anything...they were real snakes!).

Yay! I'll keep you posted.

Ick!

2009-02-10T22:09:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling mostly fine (I did feel sick after getting gluten last week), but tonight I started feeling sick and I didn't know what I might have eaten.

Then I remembered, I took some "Goldenseal" tablets that my naturopath prescribed because S is getting a cold and I wanted to rev up my immune system.

Well, I just looked up the ingredients on the web and found that Echinacea (one of the ingredients) is contraindicated for people with auto-immune disorders and negative reactions can include nausea. Now, I know that I test negative for Celiac, but I also know that those tests can sometimes be less than accurate. And I know what I feel when I get gluten. So I'm running on the assumption that I have Celiac...which is an auto-immune disorder.

So I've made myself sick. Again. I need to remember what I told one of our dialysis patients the other day - just because something says that it is "herbal" does not mean that it's safe.

P.S. I'll try to be around more.

The dreaded Facebook

2009-02-02T19:35:00.000-08:00

It has sucked me in. Mostly, the application "Pet Society" has sucked me in, and I'm addicted.

I'm doing okay though. Work is going through a rocky patch. Part of that has to do with the fact that I'm applying for another job. It's a counseling position at a community college. I'd also be doing some teaching. If I get it.

I'm concentrating my positive mental energies on getting the interview, that way I can find out more and figure out if I really want the job.

I feel good. No colds, my allergies are present but not debilitating, no nausea. I have energy. I can think clearly. Yay!

My relationship is much the same - kind of floating along. I love him, and I'd love to stay with him forever...but I don't know that I will ever get all the things I want in a relationship from him. But I'm going to give it some time.

I might be going to Witch Camp this coming summer. I'm really excited about the prospect. We'll see what my finances have to say about it all though. I have some major "recommendations" to address about my car. I've got to keep the baby healthy now that she's all paid off.

Well, then. I spent a stressful day at work preparing for a presentation on Wednesday and feeling like I'm not doing enough as a social worker (which is funny because if our industry only followed caseload recommendations from the NKF, I might not feel like I can't get everything done). I'm going to indulge in mindless pursuits for the rest of the evening.

Gone to the dogs

2009-01-26T10:07:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I went with S to the Golden Gate Kennel Association Dog Show. There was much dog love in my heart. I got to see Borzois, Irish Wolfhounds, French Bulldogs, Pugs, Aussies...well, you name it and it was there.

We watched an agiility demonstration and some of the judging. S & I debated the relative possibilities that wolves are actually descended from Beagles. We had a lovely time.

SS is not having such a lovely time these days, and I think that my attempts to talk to her about it are probably not helping. We are not in the same place, she and I, with our relationship issues with S, and I think this is hard. It sometimes feels very awkward for me.

What's my stance? I love this man. He is flawed and commitment phobic. He is not always what I want at the time that I want it. But, for the moment, this is where I want to be.

After recovering from the hellish virus I've had for the past month, I am now reveling in having a body that doesn't feel sick all the time. I'm not nauseous. I have more energy. I have more interest in life it feels like. I want to rest in all of that for the moment before taking on any new drama.

Not much more to say. Pantheacon's schedule just went up on the web, and I'm getting excited about that. Yay!

HeeHee

2009-01-24T20:27:00.000-08:00

I've been away from the blog for awhile. This picture has inspired me to drop by and write. I was trolling craigslist and this was the picture that a guy had put in his ad. Much more appealing than the erect penis shot that is so popular.

There's not much to tell in my life these days. I've finally gotten over my nasty cold/flu. My stomach is feeling fine. I feel like I have some energy coming back.

I'm headed out tomorrow with S to see the dogs on show at the Golden Gate Kennel Club Dog Show. Yay! Puppies!

Belly Rubbing Class

2009-01-15T08:17:00.000-08:00

S called last night to tell me that he had passed the local pet boutique and had seen a puppy belly rubbing class in progress.

"Really? Belly rubbing?"

"Yes. There were people sitting on the floor and they had puppies in their laps getting belly rubs."

Well, it turns out that there aren't scores of people out in the world who lack the skills to rub a puppy's belly. It was instead a new puppy training course.

But still, it's quite an image, isn't it?

Excellent blog post...

2009-01-13T08:22:00.000-08:00

Considering that I almost had jury duty yesterday (I didn't need to go in), I find this article very interesting.

Monday, Monday....

2009-01-12T08:20:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling a lot better. Not quite 100%, but getting there.

And one of our patients has been called for transplant.

Things are looking up!

This week...

2009-01-10T22:09:00.000-08:00

Despite continuing to be ill and running a fever, I did work the full week. I made it to my therapist appointment and saw clients. I, also, went to the doctor and got some antibiotics that will hopefully kick this s**t.

Today, I did some much needed grocery shopping, took a nap and have been watching Digging for the Truth all evening. With the help of Afrin and Sudafed, I'm feeling almost normal.

Tomorrow, I have the DVD of Borat, and I'm planning to take myself to breakfast with a good book...in the evening I'm making my mom's recipe of beef stroganoff, and a gluten free apple pie (because, whoa gods, do I have apples).

I don't have much more to add. I just want to start feeling better. Maybe when I do, I'll feel more like catching up on blogs.

Right now, I'm reading a couple of good books, but I can't be bothered to update my what I'm reading right now. I'm enjoying one of my guilty pleasures: 48 Hours Mystery. I can't believe I just revealed that.

Blessings all!

Something that makes me go ARGH!

2009-01-08T13:06:00.002-08:00

It was only a matter of time, you know. Statistically, 95% of those who lose weight deliberately regain it. This is because our physiology does not connect with our culture's obsession with obesity or ideas of beauty. It just knows when a) the body is being deprived to nutrients to lose mass, and b) what to do when the nutrients start coming back in (and how to make the most efficient use of those nutrients against the threat of further deprivation).

So Oprah regained her pounds. She weighs 200 lbs again. And she is ashamed. She feels like she just gave up, and that her punishment is a body she wants to hide. She did not want to sing beside Cher & Tina Turner (2 women who've had more plastic surgery than all of the rest of Hollywood put together) because of how she looked.

This just makes me mad. And it makes me profoundly sad. First the mad part: here is a woman who has more power, more resources, and more money than almost any woman alive, and her hatred of her body is her sticking point. She cannot truly have "succeeded" until she is able to control her body.

Now the sad part: almost every woman alive and a growing number of men have the same problem (well not the power and wealth part).

We are not what we eat. We are human beings who eat for a variety of reasons. We eat to survive, we eat for pleasure, we eat to comfort ourselves, and sometimes we eat for purely social reasons. None of this eating is good or bad. Neither is the outcome necessarily good or bad, until we put moral judgements on them.

And that is what this obsession with obesity is (thinly veiled as health)...a moral judgement. We don't even have to wait for anyone else to make these judgements anymore, although there are plenty of people out there who love to do so - often in the most public and demeaning way possible. But we ourselves have internalized the critic so powerfully.

Women and men who are large are often ashamed of their size. This has the opposite effect that one would imagine. You see when you are ashamed, you don't want to expose that shame to others, and so you hide. You stop living a life that you enjoy. You stop pleasurably activities. Depression or anxiety may set in.

These things naturally affect your life and relationships, but I would argue that the shame is more of the problem than is the actual weight. Yes, obesity correlates with some poor health outcomes, but so does being stressed. So does not being willing to engage in activities because of shame.

Some people believe that the best way to take care of their overweight or obese loved ones is to point out how they need to lose weight, but this just feeds shame. This just creates further limitations. The best thing you can do for your loved ones, ever, is to love and support them in pursuing the things that they love in life.

And us Fatties? We need to get off our butts and out the door. We need to stop letting what other people think restrict our lives. We need to be the best people we are without believing that success is only ever when we are thin and "beautiful." And we need to stop qualifying our successes because we don't meet someone elses expectation of health or beauty.

Back at work

2009-01-06T08:13:00.001-08:00

Yesterday, I came back to work. It was good to be there. There were people to talk to, other than myself. There is a lot to do.

Today, I'm less excited. I suppose that's the way of it. There is a lot to do. A lot more to do than I rationally know can get done. It makes me crazy and frustrated because I know that I'm not the only person who is struggling right now as a dialysis social worker.

Blah. Enough about that.

Let's think of happy things, like going to New Orleans in April to present a paper (and spend a few days soaking up the French Quarter). Let's think of that.

Wha...?!

2009-01-04T12:22:00.000-08:00

I've been downloading a lot of cable shows from iTunes to watch while I'm languishing at home. Last night I watched an episode of Digging for the Truth from the History channel on the Giza pyramids.

They had an "expert" on who believes that the pyramids could not have been built by the Egyptians, but where rather built by refugees from Atlantis who also had managed to escape Atlantis with their extensive archives, now buried in the sands of Egypt.

This is, of course, completely nuts. Everyone knows that the Atlantean Goddess, Apollymi, destroyed Atlantis and all her people in one fell swoop to avenge the death of her son, Apostolos. No refugees could have escaped her wrath.

And if you don't know what I'm talking about, you clearly have not been reading enough books by Sherrilyn Kenyon...get thee to a bookstore!

Mostly the other episodes have been fairly sane: although it was lovely to see how the Atlantis myth got Zahi Hawas' hackles up to the point where he himself climbed with the host of the show into the heights of a pyramid to show off the builder's graffitti, himself. It was absolutely brilliant.

Okay, it's time to do a little more puttering about the house.

"Now, why don't she write?!"

2009-01-02T20:13:00.001-08:00

If anyone can identify the movie from which that quote originates, I will send you a personally autographed copy (autographed by me, not anyone actually in the film) of the VHS tape. I know, don't all jump at once. It is actually quite a good movie.

Why haven't I written? I have been hellishly ill and doing little but sleeping and coughing up a lung. That leaves little time or energy to be coming up with blog posts. Indeed, I really haven't even been having significant thoughts. In some ways, it's been blissful.

However, I have now burned through all of my time off at work, so regardless of whether I am well or not, on Monday I return to work. Thank the gods, I am actually starting to feel a little better.

Not much more to say really. I'm not off to take my cough medicine and a bath, then go to bed for the night (before 9 p.m. on a Friday evening).

Maybe tomorrow or the next day, I'll also feel up to reading other people's blogs. That would be great progress.

Stay healthy...in fact, I might recommend wearing a mask until the end of the cold and flu season, if it will decrease your chances of catching whatever bioterrorism experiment was unleashed on me.

White Christmas & more...

2008-12-26T16:14:00.001-08:00

Well, we did have a white Christmas, and family came over yesterday. There was a lot of noshing and chatting.

And I spiked a fever last night. So today, I went off to see the doctor who put me on antibiotics and gave me cough medicine and told me not to fly until Monday.

The fog has rolled in here today because it was warm, and there are delays at the airport. So when I called to change my flight, they gave me a weather waiver and I didn't have to pay any fees.

I feel like crap, but at least I won't have to feel like crap on an airplane.

Dashing through the snow in a Mercury Marquis...

2008-12-22T15:22:00.001-08:00

That car of my parents' is huge. It also is a really smooth ride. I hardly feel the road beneath me. Not such a great thing when driving in snow and ice. In fact, it's so smooth, it has a little warning light that comes up on the dash when it feels like it's swerving, just to make sure you know.

I have developed a periodic hacking cough. And I think that the mold in my old bedroom has not been resolved (they duct-taped the storage area that was moldy, but that mold is a tricky thing). So I'm back to sleeping on the downstairs couch again. It's the couch (reupholstered) upon which my sister is sitting with me in her arms on the day I came home from the hospital. Many memories are in that couch.

I've had 2 lovely visits so far. And I will be having dinner with a couple more people while I'm here. And there is the Christmas stuff too, but I mostly just like that I'm here without much of an agenda...oh! except that I have to do my shopping tomorrow. Good thing there's a mall nearby.

Have a lovely Holiday (whichever one you celebrate/d) everyone!

Where you at?!

2008-12-17T15:57:00.000-08:00

I have been muchly busy.

Sunday night, after a day of mostly resting, I went with S to Let Us Break Bread Together, a program sponsored by the Oakland Symphony Orchestra. It was really cool. There was one piece that was arranged by the person who heads up a klezmer band, and it incorporated the klezmer band, the orchestra, and the Oakland Interfaith Gospel Choir. It rocked.

I was exhausted by doing that, so took S home stopped at Trader Joe's to get some food I could eat, and crashed.

I got to hang out with HippyChick and ExecutiveDirector at PF Chang's on Monday night. It was lovely to see them, as always.

Yesterday, I went home from work early and took a nap...then I sat up the rest of the night just reading and downloading TV episodes from iTunes. It's a bit dangerous, that!

Tonight, I have to go home and plan out the rest of the week. I need to figure out what to pack and start packing and do a load of dishes. To treat myself for all the hard work I'm going to do, I preemptively went out to get some GF pizza at Mariposa Bakery. I so love them.

So, you all may not hear from me until I get to MN on Saturday or Sunday. I'm going to be busy, busy, busy (or sleeping, sleeping, sleeping).

I hope you are all doing well.

Humanimal

2008-12-13T12:51:00.000-08:00

I just got done reading Alex and Me about the incredible work that was done with a grey parrot in proving the ability of some animals to master and understand some of those sacred cows that are often held up as the mark of what it is to be human.

I watched the documentary Taxi to the Darkside last night, and started reading a book about how the human brain works. After all that, last night, I had a great insight that I'm not only not just that impressed with humans, sometimes I'm downright disgusted.

We have all these illusions that we are in some way so superior to our animal cousins. Our narcissism is such that we believe that animals have no feelings, no true ability to make decisions in the way that we do. We think they cannot really think, but only rely on instinct to navigate their way through life.

If you've ever had a pet, you probably already know that this is not true.

The movie mentioned above is about the use of physical and psychological torture that had been used (I'm not sure if this is still going on) in Afghanastan, Iraq and Guantanamo Bay. It was nauseating, to say the least. It also seems clear that the absence of authority should never have been used as an excuse to "protect" the higher ups in these situations.

One of the points that was made was that the soldiers were conditioned to think of the Afghanis and the Iraqis as animals. And somehow this made it okay to torture and, in some cases, kill them? This is like people who pit cocks and pitbulls against one another for sport, and think it's okay because they are animals. How does any of this show our superiority over other animals in the world?

Someone help me out...I'm confused by that.

Where have I been....

2008-12-12T14:05:00.000-08:00

I've been here getting a cold. But I'm finding that, although I am fatigued and congested as one is duing a cold, I am feeling rather upbeat. This probably has something to do with the fact that I have one week before I'm off for a week to go to MN for Christmas.

I'm reading a book about Celiac Disease and thinking of buy a bread machine. The book is doing a really good job of explaining more fully why a diagnosis is important. And trying to buy bread is convincing me of the reasons why a bread machine is a good idea.

There's not much more to say. I'm napping a lot and eating soup and drinking orange juice.

I haven't done any holiday preparation (I'm buying gifts when I get to MN), so I hardly really feel like it's Christmas time. Of course, there hasn't been much winter weather here either. That never helps.

I think I'll put some of my Xmas CDs on...that should do it.

ACK!

2008-12-08T09:04:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I am asked to do the impossible. The best that I can do is to explain why what is being asked is impossible. I will try, of course, but I have gone past the place of getting panicked if the impossible doesn't happen.

Nice, deliberately vague statements above, but I'm really not interested in getting into the details of things that just freak me out, in general.

I don't feel well today. I haven't really felt well most of the weekend. I got some glutened chicken on Thursday, and I think (despite their best efforts) that I got some where we went for dinner on Saturday night. I think I may just have to give up the idea of eating out at most asian restaurants, since the likelihood of contamination is too high.

It's frustrating to not feel well when I'm pretty sure what is wrong and I think I can control it. Maybe I need to get past the idea that I can control it always (like the first paragraph - I can't make the impossible happen). Still I can do my best and try. Which means, today, calling the site where our holiday party is being held and finding out which of the items on the buffet will be gluten free or not.

That's all for now. Peace!

Involuntary Leave

2008-12-03T07:56:00.000-08:00

Nothing sounds good about that. But imagine being depressed and suicidal. Imagine reaching out to help from your college, sometimes having to use the strongest language necessary to get attention. And then this is what you face.

I was listening to NPR yesterday, and I heard this story. You see, college campuses are a bit jumpy. Students sometimes commit suicide or become homocidal. And they don't know what to do about it.

So some schools have begun simply suspending students who express suicidal ideation.

Now let's be clear. It is rare that someone who is suicidal is also going to muster the energy to be homocidal. And those people who are homocidal don't often tell their parents or their counselors that they feel like commiting suicide.

In fact, people who want help for not going there, will ask for it. They will often tell people that they feel like they want to die.

In the case of the young man on NPR yesterday, after reaching out (and having his parents activate the unsatisfactory mental health system that exists in our culture), he was sent a letter saying he had violated the college's code of conduct. Let's repeat that: by telling someone (reaching out for help to his parents who then turned to the school for help), he violated their code of conduct.

WTF!

And what message does this send to the next depressed student who starts feeling this way? How will they struggle with the desire to get help and be taken seriously, and the pressure and desire to stay in school?

And imagine the effect that getting kicked out of school can have on mood. Depression already makes it hard for you to have hope or expect that things will work out and this is just a reinforcement and a confirmation of these ideas.

It sucks and it is wrong. It feels like just another way that our mental health systems are completely fucked up.

This and that

2008-12-01T10:19:00.000-08:00

S & SS & I spent Thanksgiving day together. It was fun. SS got to cook and we got to eat...then we went to see Bolt. It was a hoot.

Friday, I spent the day mostly at home. It was a lovely day. I did do a little grocery shopping, but no Black Friday adventures.

Saturday, I met up with S & SS again and went to dinner, then to this place in Alameda called Lucky Ju Ju's. It's a non-profit pinball place. You donate $10, then get to be inside and play pinball all night long. It was great fun!

Unfortunately, lately I've been having a lot of right shoulder pain. It's a combination of a lot of things (including my obsession of Word Twist on my laptop at home, and sleeping on my right side). I also have the most problems with my right side holding stress and tension. Playing pinball aggravated things a bit.

Yesterday, S & I went to the Jack London Square farmers market, then toured a Light Ship. It was a lot of fun, especially as our tour guide had served his tour in the Coast Guard on similar ships. He was able to answer all our questions (including the engineering ones S threw at him).

We had a good talk about some things, then I dropped him home and spent the rest of the night watching Ghost Hunters. My shoulder was bothering me again, so I took a bath and took some generic tylenol from Walgreens. (I've been trying to cut back on Ibuprofen because one of our nephologists says it can be really bad for your kidneys.)

Well, this morning I feel really nauseous. I couldn't figure out what I may have eaten with gluten in it. I'd asked at all the restaurants and eaten what should have been "safe" foods. So, knowing that medications can have gluten in them, I looked up Walgreen's gluten-free product list, and guess what is not on it...the generic tylenol! 2 extra-strength tablets and I feel awful.

This has actually tipped my decision about getting a diagnosis. Because if a slip-up that small can make me feel this bad, then I'm worried about how other stuff is going to make me feel. So I'm going to make an appointment with my GI doctor and go ahead with doing a challenge. It's going to suck, but I work with people who have chronic conditions, and I know how antagonistic some companies can be about employees with chronic conditions. So I want FMLA protection, just in case. Which requires a diagnosis. Blah!

I'll keep you all posted. If it's celiac, I'm also going to suggest that my family get initial testing done.

Thankful

2008-11-26T08:17:00.000-08:00

Here are the things that I am grateful for this year: my job, my friends, my family, my clean apartment, the car that is almost wholely mine, and figuring out what the hell has been wrong with me.

I feel, right now, like I have been given a pecious gift. I read a book that said I might go through a period of mourning over the loss of gluten products, but I feel so much better right now that I can't imagine when that might happen.

Not only has my stomach settled a ton, but this weird experience of having my arms and hands fall asleep every night has gone away. Although it's slow in its return, I do feel like some energy is coming back. I'm not needing a nap every night after work.

Speaking of work, it is overwhelming right now, but it is secure. I have a job in an industry that is pretty stable.

I love my little apartment, especially when it is clean. I am hopeful of training it to clean itself in the future (perhaps that's a bit ambitious).

I have family and friends who I love and who love me. I appear to make doggie-friends most everywhere I go. Cats love me.

And my car...I have 2 more payments and she belongs solely to me.

I am truly blessed.

A fine start to the day...

2008-11-24T08:58:00.000-08:00

I forgot to call a dialysis unit to tell them that my patient wasn't coming there for Thanksgiving. I got a "thank you" for not giving a courtesy call to let them know, this morning. Ummmmm...Happy Thanksgiving to you, too.

But then I got a bit of a whiff of my own medicine: some labs I asked to be drawn last week for a patient who is traveling were not drawn. The patient is going to have to come in today to do this. It's frustrating. But I would never "thank" the person for messing up.

Still, it is Thanksgiving week. Only 3 days of work. Even better: I cleaned my house yesterday and it is the cleanest it has been since I got sick in May. Probably even before that. I still have dishes to wash, but I dusted the front room (including the ceiling fan). It makes me feel really good.

I went with S on Friday to the Bonfire pep rally that is traditionally held before the UC-Berkeley v. Stanford football game. We didn't get in until half way through the rally. This made S cranky which I responded to by trying to be perky and happy. He was set on being cranky, though. Once we got in, he warmed up though, even though we weren't near the fire.

The rest of the weekend was mine and I took full advantage. I went to Bed, Bath & Beyond and bought a new bathroom rug that is fully washable. Actually, I bought 2...nothing like doing my part for the economy! I also went to Barnes & Noble and got some books. One is a travel guide to New Orleans. I'm hoping to be going over my birthday week in April.

Well, not much more to say about the weekend. I've ordered my turkey from Whole Foods to pick up on Thursday. I'm getting my organic veggies on Tuesday from Spud! And I have Minnesota wild rice on it's way from mom. Really, you can't get much better than all that.

Addendum: It did get much better. I ordered a gluten-free pumpkin pie from Mariposa Bakery, and I've just learned that Pizza Rustica (just down the block from me) makes a gluten free crust! Woohoo!

The economy

2008-11-20T14:18:00.000-08:00

As was so succintly pointed out by one of our upper management folks recently, the dialysis industry is pretty insulated from the greater economy. Although large financial institutions are going under, health insurance companies are staying afloat. And there is no end to kidney disease in America. Phew! (please read with heavy sarcasm)

But I see the effects of the economy daily in my patients. One is about to be homeless due to foreclosure. Another has narrowly missed having her house taken. Food and gas prices, more and more, are shifting priorities away from medications to the more basic needs. It's pretty horrifying.

Then it occurred to me, listening to NPR report on the hearings with the car executives yesterday, that my sister's job is on the line. She started working in car dealerships back in her 20s. She's never done any other work since she became an adult. She is now looking at the possibility that one or more of the manufacturers that she could work with may be out of business. Holy crap!

On top of that, I'm feeling discouraged today. The book I'm reading (Cure Unknown...listed in the sidebar), is about the Lyme epidemic and all controversy. It also has a ton of stories of people's experience with the disease.

I was diagnosed with the early stage infection in August 2007. Since then I've experienced ongoing symptoms of one type or another. Looking at my medical record recently, I realized that when I first recovered my energy and strength last year is when I first started feeling nauseous on a somewhat regular basis.

In my research about Celiac and related wheat sensitivity, I've learned that body trauma can trigger this disease. Lyme was certainly a body trauma. But even more disturbing is the fact that since I've been experiencing the stomach stuff full-bore in May, I have not felt well on most days.

The biggest symptom is fatigue. I feel like this has completely torn away the life that I had been living. I still do stuff. Probably more than I once did. But now, to prepare for an evening out, I have to take a nap during the day. And I ache. And my knee has started giving me problems (which may be my weight, but could also be a symptom). And the low-grade fevers. And the fog.

I'm working with a great naturopath, but I think I need to go to see one of those Lyme Literate Doctors that's out there. It feels like a failure...my therapist would agree that part of me does feel like I've failed to take care of myself without outside intervention. He's right. But it's a scary thing this Lyme disease, and if this really is what I'm fighting still, then I'm scared.

Let me introduce you to Borrelia burgdorferi...

Such a tiny little thing that has become such a huge problem.

In Memoriam

2008-11-18T08:14:00.000-08:00

30 years ago, the Bay Area suffered a double wammy tragedy: the assassination of Harvey Milk and George Moscone followed a couple of days later by the horror of Jonestown.

I first remember being aware that Jonestown was so horrific when a friend, whose mother is Guayanan, talked about the stigma she often encountered when she revealed that as a source of her heritage. That was back in college.

But moving to the Bay Area, I now live in a community in which I know colleagues or patients or friends who lost relatives, who attended the People's Temple but never made it to Jonestown. The tragedy is rife in this community and the memories are still very much alive today.

Miracle of miracles...

2008-11-17T09:07:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, in conversation with S about our relationship, he said, "So I should stop assuming that you are me and let you make up your own mind?" See, I figured something out when we were talking. S is a strange guy.

He says that he's someone who doesn't plan too far ahead, but then he spends his time trying to figure out future scenarios about how things might work. Despite the fact that I know all of the ideas he has for the future, and am aware that these plans might draw him in another direction in life than I am going, he is afraid that down the line I will feel hurt.

He asked me to project ahead and try to imagine a time when we may drift apart. Would the future me be angry or upset that I'd made the decision I did? My honest answer is that I can't imagine ever regretting choosing to be with him. It may come to pass, but even with all that we've been through, I have not regretted a moment of the times we've spent together.

So, even though he has some sense of guilt over anticipated future events, I think we have come to a better understanding together.

In other news, I think my stomach is much happier this week than it has been in a long time. I still have upper right stomach pain...but it's transient (as though it were gas related) and doesn't seem to have any relationship to when I eat. I'm also not burping all the time, nor do I seem to have the full or nauseous feeling I usually do after I eat.

It's not been easy. I frankly dislike fish, so I've been cheating a little and eating crab and shrimp a lot. The protein has helped me not feel hungry all the time like I did the first 2 days. And I'm looking forward to normal food again in the future (sans wheat, though).

In other news, I'm addicted to the Hatchery game on Facebook.

Busy weekend...

2008-11-14T09:24:00.000-08:00

Today I have a busy, busy day...client appointments, work. Tomorrow is much the same.

I've been feeling really overwhelmed at work. There is the same stuff there always was, and now new stuff that is completely overwhelming. It hasn't helped that I've felt yucky a lot this week.

Sunday, I think that I will be having a quiet day, for the most part. I don't want to be busy because I will have been busy for the rest of the weekend.

I am hopeful for moments of joy and much rest in the midst of it all.

Same old, same old

2008-11-12T08:10:00.000-08:00

This is how I've been feeling all week.

more animals

But as one of my colleagues said yesterday, everyday I come to work I'm farther behind. Bleh...

And of course the feeling sick comes and goes fairly frequently.

In pleasant news, SS is flying to Hawaii this morning for a hula conference. It's her first trip there and she is very excited.

My naturopath has me on a detox diet for about a week...the first three days are cooked veggies and rice and applesauce. Oh, and rice crackers for variety. Last night, cooking rice and steaming yams, I burned things. It's been awhile since I've cooked, clearly.

Update

2008-11-10T08:01:00.000-08:00

I wish I could be more creative on my titles these days.

Friday was a busy day, seeing my naturopath and a new client. I had one of those "no-shit!" moments with my naturopath. She'd had me fill out a food chart. Then one of her first comments was "you are not eating enough to be as big as you are." She then started asking me about my portion sizes. She's thin (and I'm guessing comes from thin people), but seriously when will people get that food is only a part of the equation. I have generations of fat people in my dad's side of the family...and this was when they were farmers living off the land. They were not sedentary people.

This comes on the heals of SS telling me about her doctor refusing to give her a physical therapy referral until she loses weight. She's recommended Jenny Craig (which makes me see red...and if you want to know why, just e-mail me) or Overeater's Anonymous. Let's just be clear, SS eats more lightly than I do. She attends 2 dance classes a week (plus an extra hula practice on the weekends), and walks on other days. I'm going to help her look for a new doctor.

Anyway, SS & I went to see the performance that night of Big Moves and other dance groups. It was awesome. There were men and women and boys and girls of all body sizes dancing and having a fabulous time on stage. These are not professional dancers, so there were some stumbles and wobbles, but there were sublime moments as well.

Saturday, I met up with S in the afternoon. We talked about what had happened this week. It was helpful. I had misinterpreted some of his non-verbal reactions into something other than what they were (yeah, I have to remember I'm not good at reading minds). But I was spot on on other things.

We each talked about our own resistance in this relationship, and I talked about my frustration and not entirely understanding why things are the way that they are. As painful as it is, I think that what's clear is that (despite the fact that we both love one another) he believes that he wants something different. He also believes that I want something he can't give me (or would want it if I could think about things clearly...I'm not sure how to do that when love is so strong). He's making his idea a reality, unfortunately, when he isn't willing to give me something that I need for fear that he will bind me ever closer to him to my detriment. Blah!

Yes, it all goes in circles and it's all frustrating. And we have more to talk about. And I feel infinitely sad about it all when I let myself think of it.

We spent the rest of the day in adventures...lunch at a Mexican restaurant with an Italian name. Followed by the traditional corn tortilla toss in the parking lot (don't worry, we didn't leave the tortilla on the ground).

Then we went to Playland Not-at-the-Beach. It's a museum of amusement parks/circuses which focuses mostly on SF's Playland at the Beach which closed in the late '60s. It was great fun, especially since there are play-all-you-want pinball machines in the back rooms. That rocked.

Sunday, I met with some folks who are interested in forming a magic working group together. It was good food and good discussion. I took myself to see The City of Ember after that. I really enjoyed it. I want to see it again and think more about it's themes.

I've been achy a lot this weekend and tired. I don't know if I'm fighting something new or if this is just a flare up of symptoms I usually have. But I'm trying to get a lot of sleep and pay attention to it. Lot's of hot baths has been good.

It's a new week: SS is leaving for HI on Wednesday. Her mom (who I have issues with even though we've never met) is coming here the same day and will be staying through Thanksgiving. So I probably won't see her as much as I usually do for the rest of the month. I'm actually pretty busy this week with a potluck on Wednesday, and clients, etc. A good thing. Staying busy distracts me.

Undecided

2008-11-07T08:22:00.000-08:00

So I know that most of you will be saddened by this, but I canceled the ad and bid a fond adieu to those that I had be e-mailing. I did this in response to my response of S' response.

See I wasn't feeling justifiably angry or just annoyed. I was feeling bereft. S has not explained whether this is something he can tolerate, he says that he felt a sense of loss. He feels that I will find someone wonderful and not be drawn to be connected with him anymore.

This may be absolutely the case, or it may not be. But the idea of it was too much for me to tolerate. I am not ready.

I had an inkling of this when I first posted the ad. I felt great sadness. And it only increased as time continued to go by.

So there you are.

Tonight SS & I are going out to see a dance production by Big Moves. I'm happy about that and that I'm working slowly on getting my house a little tidier.

Absentee

2008-11-06T07:51:00.000-08:00

I really have meant to write something more in my blog recently. But things have just gotten in the way.

I hung out with S on Sunday. We had a talk that I initiated about continued lack of sex in our relationship. I love him and I want this part of our being together. He is worried (in a way that confuses me) of having sex with me then finding out later that he isn't wanting to continue a relationship. It's as though somehow sex has greater meaning. I suppose it does in some ways since I'm so insistent that I would like it. But damn! It's not like I've been having sex for very long and I'd rather have sex with someone I feel close and loving with.

The conversation really got us nowhere. We continue to be loving and sweet and playful with one another, but there is no move to have sex. It makes me crazy, and physically frustrated. Sure I could (and do) take care of things on my own, but I enjoy sex with another person.

So on Tuesday night, I placed an ad. And I let him know (because I'm really wanting to have good poly practice about this and not be secretive). I knew that he would not like to hear it and that he would feel all sorts of feelings, but he won't talk to me about them and I'm left feeling like I've betrayed him. A feeling that pisses me off, since he has other "play" partners himself but still says that he loves me.

So I spent a good amount of time sobbing last night. Feeling like shit with him unwilling to talk to me.

Despite all that, I am getting good response from my ad. I'm finding myself drawn to just going out on a bunch of dates (I know, that's just replacing one hectic schedule for another) and see who seems nice. And I'm fighting against this part of me that just wants to soothe S and send an e-mail out telling people that it's just not a good time for me right now.

I'm hoping that we get to talk soon.

A busy and exciting day!

2008-11-02T17:00:00.000-08:00

Here's what we looked like during the first half of our concert:

This is the small group I performed with during the second half:

It was a great experience. We had some mess ups, but of course only we really knew what they were. It was really hot on stage with the lights and all...and it was really exhausting just getting through the warm-up, performance and the after-party. But it was a great time.

I spent the night with S last night, then we went to the Lindsay Wildlife Museum this afternoon. I'm at home wanting to be on my own for a bit now. I'm trying to figure out where I'm taking myself out to dinner.

Frenzy

2008-10-29T08:50:00.000-07:00

I feel a bit busy right now. We had a long rehearsal last night and we'll have another tonight. We stood a lot! My body was not at all happy with that, but there you go.

There's not much more to say really. I am going to be really grateful when this is over, even though I really am having a good time with it, for the most part.

I may not be able to write again until Sunday, so have a lovely rest of the week.

WTF!!!!

2008-10-27T16:30:00.000-07:00

I sometimes feel like I live in an alternative universe in which the things that strike me as important somehow get "disappeared" by the rest of society.

When I was driving to work today, I heard the news on NPR that the US had sent a team of military into Syria to attack some building complex. Our government isn't even trying to deny it. But then again why should they?!

Because when I got to work and opened up SF Gate, the headlining story was about Jennifer Hudson's tragedy. You and I can agree that this is a tragedy, yes, but does this rate on the same level as an international incident?

Does it even, I wonder, really trump the tragedy of neighborhoods in Oakland or Richmond or SF that are riddled with violence? Perhaps this will bring home the effects of violence to some not accustomed to it, but there are such tragedies happening weekly where I live.

I guess I'm just fed up with the fact that Ashlee Simpson's rant about the paparazzi gets more play than our government's continued inability to make a wise move in regards to international relationships (because it's not just Syria who's pissed about this).

Busy weekend

2008-10-26T21:34:00.000-07:00

S & I went out to see a musical on Saturday night: Batboy. It was silly, but it was really good. I was very impressed at the performances of a small local theater.

I had not been sure that I would be able to sit through the show. My stomach has been giving me trouble a lot lately and I was also getting a headache. But once the show started, I had a great time. Laughing helps to feel better.

Today, I had a loooooong practice. Our concert is in less than a week. I'm really excited about it. It's really coming together and I think that my friends who are coming are really going to enjoy it.

I'm also looking forward to having nothing to do for most nights during the week.

Back to work tomorrow. Bleh....

And I just got nominated

2008-10-24T10:59:00.001-07:00

to do the 4th picture in the 4th folder meme...So here it is:

These are the stones on O'ahu where the ali'i would go to birth their children. The ali'i were the ruling class and this spot was considered sacred and a child born here was thought to blessed with greatness.

It's a beautiful spot not far from the Dole Plantation in the center of the island.

Busy, busy, busy

2008-10-24T10:51:00.000-07:00

With all the changes at work (and a full day social work meeting on Wednesday), and all the stuff with choir filling my evenings and Sundays, I ended up feeling quite ill yesterday morning. So I took most of the day off.

It was a good move, the right choice, but I still felt guilty. Especially when I made the choice to go to Thrillville at the Cerrito Theater last night. They played, eventually, the movie Frankenstein vs. the Wolfman. It was fun to watch, and S and I got to joke about some of the silliness of it.

But my guilt is past. I have the PTO available, and I was feeling a lot of cramping and nausea yesterday morning. And I ended up taking a really long nap, so obviously my body was worn out.

Today, I'm going to see a naturopath. I don't know what that will be like, but a fresh pair of eyes on what I'm experiencing can't hurt.

Well, that's my day, mostly. I need to do some picking up of the house (how does it continue to get messy?). But otherwise a rather low-key day.

Have a lovely Friday, all.

Irony

2008-10-21T07:26:00.000-07:00

I'm reading this book (the one listed in the sidebar) that is providing me with all sorts of interesting information.

Like this: Did you know that 150 years ago the Democrats took to calling themselves the "white man's party." This was to distinguish themselves from the radical Republicans who cared about the slaves.

The Democratic party continued with its racism (blatant and vocal) for decades...almost a whole century. They, of course, weren't the only ones who were blatantly racist at the time...since the Republicans backed away from Reconstruction, then away from African Americans in general.

The irony, of course, is Barak Obama who has (at this point) a more than fair chance of becoming the next Democratic President of the US.

In other news, I've been having really gory nightmares. I'll tell you about them another time.

A meme from Planet Me

2008-10-20T09:04:00.000-07:00

I haven't done one of these in forever and this one looked kind of fun.

The home I grew up in...was a 2 bedroom, 2 story itty-bitty house in Minneapolis. It had a great back yard, complete with a screen house out by the garden plot.

When I was a child I wanted to be...a paramedic, a ballerina, a writer, an actor, a performer. I never thought about becoming a social worker.

The moment that changed me for ever...was when my mother had her heart attack. I was old enough to realize what death was and I was terrified that she would die.

My greatest inspiration...are my friends. I really do love them.

If I could change one thing about myself...It would be having the IBS all cleared up.

What I see when I look in the mirror...is a big woman with a fascinating shape, cool glasses, and gorgeous hair.

My style icon... me…I have a pretty unique style.

The person who really makes me laugh...S. Despite all the frustrations and changes in our relationship, he has this amazing capacity to make me laugh.

A book that changed me...The Bride of the McHugh. I haven’t stopped reading romance novels since.

My favourite work of art... I don’t have one favorite.

My favourite item of clothing... is my new long-sleeved “Goddess” t-shirt.

It's not fashionable but I like...Judge Judy.

You wouldn't know it but I'm very good at...Text Twist. I must stop playing that game.

You may not know it but I'm no good at...interpreting my own emotional states. I’m learning, but I’m much better at interpreting others’.

All my money goes on...my bills – on top of the credit card, there have been a lot of medical bills this year.

If I have time to myself…I play Text Twist, or read, or nap.

My house is... really messy right now. But most of the dishes are clean!

My most valuable possession is...my laptop, Penelope.

My favourite building...Stirling Castle.

Movie heaven... is a really good action film.

The best invention ever...is the vibrator.

The last album I bought/downloaded...I don’t remember…it’s been awhile.

In 10 years' time, I hope to...be almost out of debt.

My greatest regret...is not coming to realize that I wasn’t really living my life sooner. I wasted so much time.

My life in seven words...An exploration of me…(I'll save the other 3)

Feeling better

2008-10-19T21:14:00.000-07:00

Well, my legs and hips hurt from standing for most of 5 hours today at practice. But, otherwise I'm feeling better.

I had a talk with S this morning...just our normal chitchat really, but it was helpful to me. What I learned last night brought back a lot of the anger that I had about the loss of our previous relationship configuration. But I don't really think that I want that back.

I like some of the ways we interact now better than before. I don't know what that means for going forward entirely, but I've been in a place of flux for awhile now.

Today's rehearsal seemed really chaotic to me, but other people in the group tell me that we are doing really well in bringing things together. This is good to know.

I'm really looking forward to performing. I don't know if I'll be able to upload the video of our performance, but if I can, I will.

I hope that everyone had a lovely weekend.

I'm feeling very confused and sick to my stomach

2008-10-19T01:16:00.000-07:00

I went out with SS and her niece last night to see a hula performance. It was really wonderful, but ran really late.

I spent most of today running around and doing errands that needed doing, and preparing for tonight (well, technically, that was last night now...). I was heading to meet S & SS for dinner and a show in SF.

I was thinking during part of this afternoon that I should just call and cancel because it was feeling all a bit overwhelming. Now I wish that I had.

We had dinner at a German restaurant...probably not a good choice for my tummy on most nights, but I enjoyed it as I was eating it. While S & SS stayed in the restaurant, I explored a leather store and went into a thrift shop and found the perfect outfit for me for Halloween.

We all went to stand in line for the show...but S was acting strangely. I couldn't read what was happening with him, so I decided to make the best of it. SS was not having such an easy time with his weirdness.

The show was a really interesting one, but my stomach was getting increasingly upset...part dinner and part S continuing to not seem to enjoy the evening. I really enjoyed it - an interpretation of the Jewish folktale "The 7 Beggars" by a musician/actor/beatboxer. But I did think I might have to leave at one point.

SS, kindly, drove us back to the East Bay. I had anticipated that S would be staying the night with me, but he said that he would prefer to be alone this evening. So we dropped him off.

SS came by my house, so I could give her her ticket for the concert and an acorn squash. We talked and I learned some things that in hindsight I wished I hadn't learned. At the time we were talking, I wasn't feeling badly really. But then SS left and I was left feeling increasingly lonely and shitty.

My stomach continues to be a mess, and now I've been crying and it is just making things worse. Suffice it to say that I am annoyed at S and yet this is also just more telling me that I am going to need to move on.

I don't feel the need to go into the details. I'm not even really sure how I want to respond because I'm still confused about what all my emotions are and whether it is worth the effort to say or do anything at this point...or if I should just grieve this new little wedge that is between us.

I just really needed to write this out tonight. Hopefully doing so will let me sleep. I have a 5 hour rehearsal tomorrow, and I need to have sleep.

I just don't get it...

2008-10-16T08:04:00.000-07:00

I am not a perfectionist. I don't aspire to be a perfectionist. I don't understand perfectionism.

I've tried. I know many people who have this tendency. I do sometimes admire the outcome of their perfectionism. But watching a perfectionist engage in their process is overwhelming to me.

I'm an anxious person by nature...and I'm very empathic. So when a perfectionist gets going, I usually can feel the anxiety just radiating off of them. Are there perfectionists that are zen?

Last night, I just got annoyed with a perfectionist. She's a part of my small group and we had been working together since about 7 p.m. At 9:30, I announced that I was expiring and had to go home. But she needed to run the whole thing through again.

I was probably to tired to feel her anxiety. I was definitely too tired to not drawn a boundary. And, surprise, surprise, my boundary helped 3 of us escape.

I know that we have only about 3 weeks until our concert, but, seriously, I have a lot of things that are important to me, including giving my body the rest it deserves. We are going to be wonderful anyway...and since we are inviting friends and family to the concert, it really doesn't matter if we suck, they are honor bound to tell us we were brilliant.

Love Your Body Day!

2008-10-15T08:23:00.001-07:00

That's right, everyone's favorite holiday. Give yourself a hug, or a kiss...if you are going to be more intimate with yourself, get a room.

Here's me, loving my body enough at the NAAFA convention that I agreed to be a model in the fashion show.

What are you going to do to show your love of your body today?

Creating Change

2008-10-13T09:33:00.000-07:00

We all do different things to make changes happen in our lives. Increasingly, I'm finding myself drawn to being more focused on using ritual as a way of sending out my wishes for change.

In that spirit, I gathered a few like-minded friends on Sunday and had a lovely ritual to support the election of Obama in November. I wanted to put out positive energy, so any bad feelings or criticisms of the other campaign were left at home, and this carried through in our picnic and discussion afterwards.

It was really lovely to sit with friends and have a conversation about the world and our interests without any of the other stuff coming in.

The day was beautiful too and it all left me feeling quite happy.

Now, I'm off scrambling to figure out Conditions for Coverage at work. EEK!

I'm feeling mixed

2008-10-10T19:05:00.000-07:00

I'm back from my work meeting. It was a lot more fun than I remember from last year, but last year I'd just been diagnosed with the Lyme infection.

I also remember people from last year, so connecting was fun. There was a service project yesterday and a lot of really wonderful supportive exercises that we did during the weekend.

It can be frustrating to be a dialysis social worker, often. Indeed, I think that working in dialysis can be really difficult. Although we have our work in our clinics with the same crew, there is not a sense of connection always to the larger whole. It was fun to connect with that larger whole.

We had two presentations today that brought up stuff that was frustrating...the first was about our benefits and the things that are changing. The second was about the new CMS Conditions for Coverage which is going to be confusing and frustrating for awhile, regardless of what we all do.

Like I said, I really enjoyed the meeting and I felt well during it (except when I inhaled some of the soapy liquid for the bubbles we were given - not recommended). But I did get 2 migraines, and today's has left me feeling achy and kind of "hung over" without the drinking.

I'm hoping a bath with Tea Tree Oil in it will help tonight! I have plans for the weekend, and I don't want to change them.

What to talk about

2008-10-07T07:46:00.000-07:00

It's been hard to know what to talk about lately. There are the obvious things on people's minds...you know like Halloween coming up and the end of days, and things like that. Oh! Sorry, I got to reading the Assemblies of God website. It's creapy and their ideas kind of suck you in.

But, really, the backdrop of crisis that is going on right now kind of takes over most everything, and I'm struggling not to talk about that backdrop (or to let it affect me too much).

I went back to see my nutritionist who works with the chiropractor that practices applied kinesiology. The stuff we talked about was pretty basic and interesting, but then I had to meet with the chiropractor and he suggested a "treatment plan." He has a machine which can supposedly help to "clear" and "reset" my body of allergies. The total for these lovely treatments? Close to $2000. I could take a nice vacation with that money that would "clear" and "reset" me, as well. Needless to say, I'll be sticking with just the nutrition.

He did recommend I check in with an MD about the Lyme disease stuff. It was a different doctor than I'd tried last year, so I called their office...and it was the same story as that other doctor. She does not take insurance and her first 2 appointments come to about $1000. It makes me really angry.

I'm off, tomorrow, to spend 3 days in San Jose for my company's Divisional Meeting. I'm not looking forward to the days of corporate stuff we will have to listen to, but on Thursday, we'll be doing a community service project. That I can get behind. I just have to watch that I don't overdo it.

On a lighter note, the movie Outsourced was really cute and is worth renting.

No Mas!

2008-10-04T20:49:00.000-07:00

...S uttered the following words last night: "This was better than There Will Be Blood. Let's see it again!"

What profound and depthful analysis of the human spirit was he referring to?

You guessed it!

Beverly Hills Chihuahua

It is such a cute movie. Go see it, preferably when there are a bunch of 5th grade girls in the theater, as well. It's a hoot!

I've got a lot of practice to do on the music we'll be singing at the concert I'm in at the beginning of November, so I'm off to do that (and plan my ritual "Make Magic for Obama").

Have a great weekend!

No Main Street there...

2008-10-01T07:56:00.000-07:00

There is no "Main Street" in Oakland. Why does this matter? Because this phrase is being beat to death in an attempt for our candidates to appear to understand what "regular" Americans want and need.

I am not a "regular" American. I know this. As a pagan, queer, poly-leaning, therapist who also happens to be a fat activist, I know that there are many places that I don't fit into anything "regular" in America.

And, yet, I am deeply in touch with these "regular" folks in a way that politics cannot allow most candidates. I hear their stories. I work with them to get their medications or find money to pay the soaring food and gas prices on a fixed income. I talk to them about insurance, and childcare, and relationships, and travel.

Some of these people are deeply conservative and religious. Some are more liberal. Some don't believe that their vote means anything, and may never have voted.

And none of these people live on "Main Street." Most of Americans don't. The idea of a "Main Street" as a place to gather or do business was lost in the '90s for most towns. And what "Main Streets" still thrive often depend on tourism to keep them alive. Most of the people in rural America will speak to you quite unromantically about the realities of rural life: the poverty and lack of jobs, the lack of resources in terms of healthcare, education, entertainment. (Never underestimate the value of entertainment resources on the health of a community.)

"Main Street" doesn't exist in any way that our candidates are using it. And I just wish that they would stop...and focus more on the specifics of what they will do to bring about a solution to our economic woes.

Maybe it's because I'm a witch....

2008-09-30T18:19:00.000-07:00

But I find this a little scary!

Click Here!

On Health

2008-09-30T09:54:00.000-07:00

An excellent article just came my way: Enjoy!

And all the while...

2008-09-29T08:05:00.000-07:00

So while more banks were failing and the GOP was losing debates and their confidence in their VP candidate, I was frolicking in the woods of northern California.

No, I wasn't naked all the time, just most afternoons by the pool with a book. It was a restorative, after all.

We stayed at Four Springs retreat center, which is an awesome spot with comfy, yet rustic accomodations. And the food...OMG the food. SS cried in joy on Sunday morning while eating a scone...'nuff said.

I met really awesome people and a deity or two (I took the mask making and aspecting courses). I got to dance and sing and do ritual. I took naps every afternoon.

There was a camp cat and 3 dogs that came to visit on Saturday and Sunday. And to top it all off, there was a grape arbor where the grapes were ripe and could be picked anytime you were wanting a snack (really, I couldn't make that up!).

To say that I did not want to return to my everyday life is a huge understatement. But here I am...and I'm going to try to not crash into the post-witchy event blues.

I hope you all had a lovely weekend.

Don't look now!

2008-09-24T22:34:00.000-07:00

I'm retreating. Want to see what I'll be doing? Go here.

Have a fabulous weekend.

Backdrop

2008-09-24T07:52:00.000-07:00

I haven't been blogging a lot lately. I talked yesterday, in therapy, about how difficult it has become to continue to talk sometimes about how I am feeling. Not my emotions - physically. I feel like I've become a broken record, and I am not soothed by it, so it feels a bit like whining.

But if it is, so be it, I'm going to whine.

Most of the IBS symptoms have receded to nothing. I do, however, get wicked gas from time to time. This is no fun...and I would rather have diarhea over constipation any day (not that I like either, thank you very much). I only rarely feel nauseous...mostly when I eat fatty foods. So I just avoid those foods.

But more concerning than all of that is ongoing fatigue, achiness, headaches and low-grade fevers. This may sound familiar, as these were symptoms that I experienced last year about this time when I was getting over the lime infection. I'm worried, because of this, that it wasn't adequately treated. I'm worried that the lyme infection is still there.

At the end of last month, I mentioned to my doctor that I am having "warm" periods during work on a regular basis. This had been going on for several weeks at that point. Although they were bothersome, there was no other symptom to throw in there. As the weeks have passed, I find that I am increasingly tired. I have more and more evenings when my body aches and the temperature during the day runs from 99.4 - 100 F. At night, strangely, my body temperature is the closest to normal that it gets.

Oh, I do have days when I feel okay, but then I decide that I want to go out and do something...and I tire myself out.

Using this weekend as an example: On Saturday, I saw one client in the morning, then I returned to HC & LB's house. I watched TV, played with the kitties and took a nap. Then I went into the city for a few hours for a ritual and a potluck. I was the first one to leave, and when I got home I felt yucky. The next day, feeling better in the morning, I went with S to watch an equestrian event (no strenuosity, as we sat in bleachers during the whole thing). We then drove out to Pleasanton to watch a silent movie and wander about a bit before having dinner and heading home. I was out for most of the day, but we did nothing difficult and took lots of breaks.

I have felt like crap ever since. I don't know what to do about it all. I feel like I could sleep for a week. I take baths most nights because it feels good and lessens the achiness.

And I don't think my doctor knows what to do. I went for my repeat test for lyme and we are waiting results. But those tests are not terribly accurate.

I'm going on this retreat this weekend. I leave with SS tomorrow morning. I'm so looking forward to getting away...to having time to do nothing, if I like.

I don't know what to I'm looking for with this post - maybe to just put it out there. I feel yucky most of the time. Saying it may help me be able to talk about the other things in my life more.

Yahoo!

2008-09-22T07:10:00.000-07:00

A news story on Yahoo today: White people and black people have different perceptions on the amount of discrimination in our society. No! Shocking!

Sprinkles

2008-09-19T19:06:00.000-07:00

There was a very light rain tonight as I was driving over HippyChick & BeeDragon's house. I'm housesitting for them through Monday morning.

They have four kitties now: Marley, Kito, Nikkyo & Buster. All are very sweet in their own lovely way, and it's kind of fun to be around cats that are a little younger (but no longer kittens).

My mom got a kitten (I may have mentioned it already). It's name is Jackson. I'm not sure how one looks at a kitten and decides that "Jackson" works for it, but there you go.

I shared with my therapist this morning some things about the way that my father sometimes "disciplines" animals that very much disturb me. I was left, afterwards, feeling incredibly vulnerable. I realized that I'd never spoken about this to anyone before so directly and that a part of me feels somewhat complicit in having been unable to make my father clearly understand what was wrong with his behavior. But I've never been able to sway my father very much.

I had really good sessions with clients today, and there's not much else to say, I guess.