Tarot

Oh, what superstitious devices I cling to. Mostly I use the tarot to gain insight into my own processes. But in the frustration of the last 2 days (waiting to see if date boy will call like he said he would in his e-mail), I have mostly been using it to gain insight into someone else. This is really not helpful, in reality, but I feel like I've been living in such a state of surreality since starting on this dating business that it seems to make everything more significant.

It reminds me of the one time that I have been head-over-ass IN LOVE. It was crazy-making. I barely slept. I'm sure I ate, but I don't recall having much enthusiasm for it. I felt hypersensitized to everything that happened within my immediate environment. It was, in short, not fun. I would hazard to say it was traumatic.

Anyway, back to the tarot. Last night, I did 2 readings. The first was "Will date boy actually call?" The answer involved me working through Temperance to get the the Hermit. In otherwords, have patience, Spinster, for you will find yourself at peace with being alone. Not a terribly comforting response, in light of my mood. Then the second was "What will Friday hold for me?" (See! I'm trying not to obsess too much.) The response was all about relationship joy. So what the hell am I supposed to do with those 2 things, I want to know!

I guess it leads to a harder question I need to face. I have a hard time holding on to this idea of being comfortable with my life as a spinster while seeking out a relationship. I mean, really, the constant tacit threat of rejection is just brutal to my sense of grounding in myself as a good and whole person. While I reckon that this was the ultimate lesson of the tarot readings, I just wish that there were someone who could (and would) predict this little bit of the future for me. I'm not opposed to internal growth through hardship, but I would like to sleep well again and this not knowing has me on the edge of my seat.