Yes, I'm weepy and tired and, irrationally, feeling horribly unattractive. I just feel like everything is so heavy.
And then it struck me, walking out to have some lunch, that I work in a very heavy job. My day job, the one that pays my bills right now, is at a dialysis center. Dialysis is an amazing thing. It keeps people alive with a reasonable quality of life. But it does not keep people alive indefinitely. I have worked at this job for 5 years. When I started we had 168 hemodialysis patients - of that original group only 35 remain. Some of them have, of course transplanted, moved, or occassionally (very occassionally) regained kidney function, but most have died.
It has been a long time since I've really "grieved" a death of one of my patients. I care about them, and often I like them, but I learned pretty early that it is difficult for me to get close and then lose them. But somehow, knowing that I do not "feel" the deaths as much feels pretty rotten to me today.
I really think I need to take tomorrow off because, if today is any indication, I need a retreat, as brief as it will be.