Thursday, July 14, 2005

"I'm just a low class, beat down, fool"

Yes, I'm weepy and tired and, irrationally, feeling horribly unattractive. I just feel like everything is so heavy.

And then it struck me, walking out to have some lunch, that I work in a very heavy job. My day job, the one that pays my bills right now, is at a dialysis center. Dialysis is an amazing thing. It keeps people alive with a reasonable quality of life. But it does not keep people alive indefinitely. I have worked at this job for 5 years. When I started we had 168 hemodialysis patients - of that original group only 35 remain. Some of them have, of course transplanted, moved, or occassionally (very occassionally) regained kidney function, but most have died.

It has been a long time since I've really "grieved" a death of one of my patients. I care about them, and often I like them, but I learned pretty early that it is difficult for me to get close and then lose them. But somehow, knowing that I do not "feel" the deaths as much feels pretty rotten to me today.

I really think I need to take tomorrow off because, if today is any indication, I need a retreat, as brief as it will be.


Flash said...

Spins, If I could I'd come across there & give you a real hug.
Sadly, I can't so I hope a virtual one will help.

writinginAK said...

likewise, hugs, dear.

I could use one too ... a friend of ours died very suddenly and unexpectedly this week. Something misfired in her brain. She was only 44. We're all kinda in shock, and I was reflecting too on just how many deaths I experience at the hospital as a chaplain. Retreats are good ... be good to your spirit, get outdoors, breathe lots.

much love.

MrMystic said...

come on spinner I need your help with my post on guys. Pick one , please.

LavaLady said...

Take good care of yourself today. xoxo, LL

Aravis said...

I hope you're having a fun, relaxing day!

Gladys Cortez said...

Hope the day off helped...'cuz it sounds as though you needed one.

:::adding my hugs to the collection:::: Feel better...

Lord Bargain said...

as difficult as it might seem, your attitude to your patients is the right one, I think. It would be an awful burden to grieve for every one of these patients as if they were a close friend or relative.

Maintaining a suitable detachment doesn;t mean you care any less about them, you have to look after your own mental wellbeing at the same time.

you have my admiration in what must be a difficult job.