Wednesday, January 18, 2006

"Guero where you going?"

Good question. I wonder that most days. Where am I going? Am I going anywhere? When I get there is it some place I'm going to want to be? Or am I going to have to keep going forever? Will I never be happy with where I am?

When I rode the bus a lot, I used to like to look forward, out the front of the bus. I'm not sure if I still would do that, or would I stare into the space just in front of my nose like the other spaced out commuters?

Lately...3 times this week...street lights have been going dim as I go by. It happened again tonight. Didn't we talk about this at Foxy's once before she retreated to her den? What does it mean that my lights go out, when others' go on?

I had a great time tonight with HippyChick, but I'm ending the night feeling sad. Is it true what my therapist suggested that I just can't let something good be good? That I can't let myself fully enjoy the gifts that the world throws me, but have to twist it into something wrong?

And who knew that the side-effects could really dissipate that fast on my meds? I will be going up to the full initial dose tomorrow...I don't have any questions about the fact that those side-effects will come back. But hopefully they won't last.

At least once a day, I've thought to myself, "I resolve to feel better. I will take actions to get back to my normal self." So why, by the end of the day, has that feeling, that momentum, fled into - at best - a feeling of nothing?

Why do I have so many questions tonight?

I'm going to bed to read Found Magazine now. Do you think I'll find myself?

10 comments:

Aravis said...

I can't answer your questions; I'll leave that for you and the friends who know you best. Just know I'm thinking of you.

Matt said...

*hugs*

Alecya Giovanni said...

*hugs*

Glad to see you back today. I was thinking of you yesterday. Hopefully you will feel a little better today, but remember - the meds can't do it all.

Wishing you happiness.

Hyde said...

At least once a day, I've thought to myself, "I resolve to feel better. I will take actions to get back to my normal self." So why, by the end of the day, has that feeling, that momentum, fled into - at best - a feeling of nothing?


SPINS-- I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN. IT SUCKS.

-H-

hippy chick said...

i had a great time with you as well amiga. i like your mantra about feeling better but i think the key is to then not be hard on yourself if that doesn't happen. you are really trying the best you can, doing everything you need to do. be gentle with yourself amiga...

Alecya Giovanni said...

You know, Spinny, I was thinking. I used to have really bad days, and on those days I had a good friend who made me do two things:

1. list all the good things you have going on right now. Even the small stuff like finding the type of pasta sauce you like by chance. List it all.

2. Look in a mirror and tell yourself all the good things about youself.

I hope you feel better soon. I really do. You know where to find me if you need to talk...

Alecya

Mr-Mystic said...

YES!
.
.

Lord Bargain said...

If you do find yourself, you might as well cancel your subscription....

beedragon said...

It takes a lot of energy to try to get better. Maybe by the end of the day you run out of it. I agree with HC. Be good to yourself if you can. Hang in there spin! It will get better. It always does. Sometimes it just takes a while. I think you will find yourself and I think you will like what you find.

P'tit-Loup said...

Sorry, but not to rag on your therapist, but, hello? You can't let something good be good because you are and have been depressed for a while. Ok so I am ragging on your therapist. I do like the list you have on the next post. And the fact that you did not go on with the stuff that sucked. On the up side, glad to hear that the side effects have waned off, even though you are up for another round as you increase the dosage, but maybe with that you will get some well deserved relief. Hang in there, and call anytime, even if it's only to cry at the other end of the line. I know I did it to you and others when I was there. Big hugs and kisses. And if you still feel down, have another look at Ken dressed up in his knitted workout outfit. That has to get at least a smile out of you!