"During the time of which I speak, it was hard to turn the other cheek"

Well, hmmmm, could I be a little stressed out?

It's 2 a.m., and although I did go to bed early, I have only had 4 hours of sleep and I can't stop my brain from thinking. Yesterday, I had a bout of heartburn so severe that I thought perhaps I was having a heart attack (don't worry, no other symptoms that were heart related and very definite gurgly stomach related ones). As a matter of fact, that's a bit of why I'm awake so I've just had some "effervescent stomach relief" to help (which if you think Airborne tastes bad...). And I've been a bit weepy today.

I realized, lying in bed, that the time frame of the events of the letter I mentioned yesterday all happened on the day that my grandmother died. So I had been anticipating her death for the previous couple of days. And I had just been back from being sick about a week and a half. Yes, July was one hell of a month. And apparently it's consequences are not over. We have a conference call to review the matter on Monday...and I'm the only one going to be on the call who was actually there on the day in question. That's reassuring.

I spent some time with S last night. Not much, but what little there was was incredibly reassuring. Although, as he said, "A lot that I do seems to make you anxious." Despite the anxieties that being with him raises (and to be fair, these anxieties would be present with any man I dated at this point, as they relate back to my earlier experiences with my father...yada yada...therapy talk, etc.), as we lay together for about a half an hour, I felt safer than I have felt in a very long time.

What's raising my anxieties with S most recently is that we have agreed to do a bit of a role reversal starting this weekend for about 5 days. So wherein I am normally bottom to his top, I will get a chance to exercise my dominant side for a bit. And, well, I'm not terribly fond of exercise, generally. There are parts that I am going to relish and there are parts that feel so full of responsibility that they make me feel a bit mental.

I was relishing the idea of being able to add at the end of this post that I needed to end because I had a moth that keeps divebombing my monitor and it was freaking me out. It seemed like it would make for a good visual to my experience of anxiety, but sadly the moth has decided to attempt suicide in another location, thus depriving me of my dramatic exit. *Sighs, with hand held to forehead a la Scarlet O'Hara* I just can't win....