"I just want to bang on these drums all day!"

Well, I'd actually rather be sleeping all day.

This week has turned out to be pretty emotionally exhausting. First of all, being dominant in a relationship is not all it's cracked up to be. I have a really hard time taking what I want...and my speech often has qualifiers which makes my direction rather indirect. It's frustrating.

S is being, by turns, frustrating and incredibly sweet and loving. I broke down crying last night, from the on-going situation at work that I mentioned last week (it just seems to never go away), and he held me. He let me concretely express my anger which felt so good. I let him know how safe I felt with him. And this morning he told me he loves me. I've felt love from him, but he's never said the words.

I didn't sleep much last night...S was squirmy most of the night. So from the crying last night, and the lack of sleep I am exhausted.

When I did sleep, I had a dream...I dreamt that I had moved into a new house. I was living with a couple who had a new baby. I had to take care of the baby, but it was easy to care for. They didn't have a seperate room for me to sleep in. Then the dream morphed to me living in a new apartment with other people. I went to see the doctor who advised me to have the house fumigated for roaches because she could see the shells of the dead roaches on my skin during the exam (first really disturbing element). Then I went home and was sharing this with one of my roommates in her bedroom. Suddenly there were 2 snakes in the room. She shot one, and I tried to subdue the other, but what I tried just made it angrier. She had to come shoot the other for me. Then just before I woke up, I was dreaming that I was called into a meeting about the work situation. I came into the room and everyone there was seated in a rectangle with the couch at one end empty. It was the only place left to sit. So I sat there...and the person conducting the meeting began grilling me. I tried to stop the meeting to ask that someone sit with me because I felt really on-the-spot, but that's when I woke up.

So, yeah, this situation at work feels isolating (sitting alone), dangerous (fighting snakes...and inneptly, too), and like I'm marked by it in some way that's awful (covered in dead cockroach shells).

I so need this long weekend.