Sunday, August 13, 2006

"I write sins not tragedies"

In many ways this weekend has felt non-eventful, but there are some significant shifts that have happened.

First, let me just say that last week, I did a great deal of good for myself and I paid all the fines I had at the Oakland library, so that I am once again in good standing with them. I think that I have mentioned in the past that I am a book-aholic. I know that there are many like me out in blogland. Well, the library is like a meth clinic for me. It's a place where I can get what I need to keep me from going through withdrawl, but I am able to decrease the devastating impact on my life (i.e. the cost of books I keep buying). It's a brilliant place. I can take out as many books as I like and, if I don't like it, I can feel no guilt about putting it down without finishing. I did just that yesterday, returning two books that didn't interest me, and taking out a few more to attempt.

Next, I have spent much of the weekend pondering a revelation that I have had about my relationship with Sister. You may remember my dream, recently...well, let's just say that there are some aspects of my relationship with SlowTalker that is raising issues for me that occured in the dynamics of my relationship between myself, my sister and my father. It's all rather Freudian, I suppose...whatever! I have accepted a not so nice truth about my stance in recent years toward my sister. I had a helpful discussion with S about it and feel that I can start making some strides in repairing a relationship with her (these are internal shifts I'm going to be working on because any attempt to reconcile with her directly is pretty terrifying right now). Anyway, I know that that was horribly vague, but I'm frankly exhausted by the issue right now.

Next, I looked back at my postings when I first started "casually dating" through craigslist back in May. I knew then that such a thing might have disasterous effects on any possibilities of a relationship with CollegeFriend. It has struck me that perhaps this was somehow pre-conciously what I wanted. As my relationship with S has progressed, and my feelings for him have deepened, I have been deeply ambiguous about what to do about CF. The last several weeks, I have received much advice on the subject, some solicited or desired, some unsolicited or undesired. I have decided that it is important to me to let CF know that I have been dating someone for a couple of months who I am beginning to have feelings for. To let him come to spend time with me, expecting a clear playing field when that isn't the case, feels disrespectful of him. So today, I write a difficult e-mail, and while I am still open to any feelings that might arise when he comes to visit, I am much more realistic that a long-term romance with CF would be a challenge on many fronts.

Lastly, for the past several months, I have been struggling with my decision to remain a vegetarian. My choices to be a vegetarian have always been about refusing to participate in an industry that is increasingly abusive in its attitudes and practices towards animals and people (it's employees and even it's consumers). But I have never had a distaste for meat. Some vegetarians report that the smell and taste of meat becomes distasteful to them after awhile, but this has not been the case for me. In the past six months, I have been vascilating about eating seafood again, but I find that this was just putting my toe into a much larger pool. On Friday, I went to a local Japanese restaurant and ordered their lunch special. I forgot to tell them to leave out the chicken, so when I opened the box and found that it had been included, I made a decision not to waste what had already been prepared. It may be crossing that psychological line, or maybe it's PMS, but I have since been craving chicken in the worst way. I have, in other words, fallen off the vegetarian bandwagon. I may go back eventually, but I am going to honor whatever it is that my body is telling me at this time about what kind of food it needs.

An off topic tangent...I went down to the new local farmer's market this morning. It's in the parking lot of the DMV right next door to the dialysis center I work at. I had expected something of a small affair, but (for those who understand the reference) it is as bustling an affair as the Lake Merritt or Jack London Square markets. There was even a booming prepared food section. I bought a bar of soap that smells divine, a jar of pickled beets (mmmmmmm!), and a papusa (a Salvadoran specialty). I'll definitely be going back.

Well, there you have it...Spins' life just never seems to be dull anymore!


Fred said...

You bet it's not dull! I applaud your decision to tell everyone where they stand relationship-wise. So many of us are afraid to do that, and it creates so many problems. Let us know how it goes.

shorty said...

I can totally relate on your man situation.

Enjoy the eats you just got too.

Going with what your body tells you to do is never a bad thing. It knows best what you need most food, sleep, sex.

Have a great week.

Aravis said...

It sounds like you've accomplished quite a lot this weekend!

the urban fox said...

Sounds like a lot of thoughts and feelings have crystallised in your mind this weekend and that's wonderful to hear.

Agree that your body knows best so listening to its requirements can only be a good thing.

Also agree that farmers' markets are the best, enjoy yours!

Hyde said...

Wow. You've got a lot going on. I can relate to how you feel about your sister. There's been a lot of that for me too, lately...


Be well!


P'tit-Loup said...

Ahh sisters! I've moaned about mine enough at times, not to diminish your experience with yours. I am glad though that you are finding some things about yourself in that process. You continue to amaze me by all the growth and insight you express. I have a tendency to just shove those emotions and questions under the carpet. I don't know if that comes with age or what.

I was a vegetarian for a few years and have been a meat-eater most of my life. I'm still not much into red meat though, but enjoy fish and poultry. I also love tofu and tempeh, but the family never were fans, unfortunately.