Yesterday at work, we received a letter from a former patient. It was a letter detailing this patient's disatisfaction, and what stood out, for me, was that I was the only employee named in the letter. I spent most of the rest of the day in a not so quiet panic about it.
In the clear light of a new day, I can have some distance, of course. But I'm holding onto some residual yuckiness about it. I recognize that this is not really about me, but on some level I feel that I failed. And it's not so much that I feel that I failed to do what my job required (that's a seperate issue with it's own set of anxieties); I mostly feel that I failed to keep someone from getting angry.
Keeping others from getting angry at me has been a goal of my life. It is the primary objective, if you will, with the secondary being to make people happy. Anger is a terribly frightening emotion - so much so that I have a hard time getting and staying angry at others. Even when I got angry with my therapist last week, I quickly made excuses in my head about why he said what he did - even to the point that I believed he was doing it deliberately just to provoke a therapeutic anger reaction from me (in other words, he's too perfect to have fucked up).
I, of course, have been angry about this incident at work. Angry that I was put in the situation at all. Angry at myself for not properly conveying the absolutely correct information in a way that the patient could have heard it (which I imagine would have made it all better). And, interestingly, an anger mixed with envy at this persons ability to express her anger when I cannot.
I'm going to search out some chocolate now.
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5 comments:
I'm exactly the same Spins, exactly.
I believe we discussed this in London, I am utterly hopeless & hapless when it comes to expressing my anger.
Mostly because I need everyone who meets me to like me & people don't often like people who shout at them.
Frustrating, eh?
my anger is my biggest problem, i'm often too good at expressing it.
Chocolate is a lot better than Heroin.....
...and yet you DID express anger at your therapist no matter what your thoughts have been since...I think a little credit is due for yourself, si?
I have a tendency to be the same way, though I've gotten better about not being a people-pleaser at my own expense. Still leaves me feeling squirmy sometimes, though. Sorry you find yourself in this sucky situation!
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