It's more like a combination neck ache and sinus headache. I'm not terribly happy this morning because of it though. That and it was drizzly and I just wanted to lay in bed today and do nothing.
I've been feeling a bit down this weekend. I have a lot of insecurities that came up over the past three days in my relationship. I've realized, thinking about it, that being in a triad relationship is bringing up all sorts of interesting issues about jealousy and insecurity that go back to my sister and my dad.
I have a very clear memory of sitting at dinner with my family at Embers. My father was helping my sister with some math. This is significant because I don't think that my father really knew what to do with little girls. So, he wasn't terribly engaged with us until we were older. Well, my sister was older than me, so I witnessed them being able to talk and interact in a way that I couldn't. I also had the misfortune of being less interested in sports than my sister, which was a place that they could connect as well.
It was my perception that I had nothing that my father was interested in and that he didn't really know me. I didn't realize how competitive I felt towards my sister until just recently when I realized that I somehow feel better than her that my relationship with my father now is so good.
This weekend, spending so much time with S and SS who have known each other for years and therefore have a different connection, I felt the same thing happening inside me. I wanted S' attention, but felt that I didn't have anything to really offer him. Strangely, given my history with body issues, I did have the amusing thought that he only wanted me because of my body. The situation wasn't helped by the fact that they were attending a weekend bodywork training together, so when I met up with them they wanted to talk about that.
My tendency when I feel such feelings is to want to just disappear. Reading or television or just going away from the situation. But that's really not possible in this relationship. S wants me present. I want me present. Anyway, I sent him a long e-mail about this, and I'm sure that we will be talking at length about it. *Sigh*
I know that this will sound very California...but all my inner child wants is for S to snuggle with me and tell me a story.
2 comments:
When I was in the corporate world, I did lay in bed when I felt crappy.
Now that I'm a teacher - I go in whether I feel good or not. It's one of the few things I can think of that is a negative.
I hope your headache clears soon!
I've had similar feelings when caught in a relationship involving three people, even though those relationships weren't romantic. I believe it's for similar reasons: my step-father and step-sister naturally had a stronger bond, but my step-father was the only father I really knew growing up. I, too, have discovered those feelings of competition. It's good that you're able to recognize what you're feeling and are able and open to discuss them with S. That speaks well not only of you, but of your relationship with him. I hope everything smoothes out for you as you adjust to this new situation. *hug*
Post a Comment