Damn, I was trying to upload my pictures, but blogger's being annoying this morning. I'll have to try later.
Instead, I'll share a different story. Yesterday, I sent a hard e-mail to a friend.
This is the gentleman that I knew long ago in DC. I had a crush...unrequited, of course. We had a good friendship, generally, although my crush was painful to me. I never spoke of it directly to him, and he generally tried to live in denial, even though it was obvious to pretty much everyone.
He moved on to become a priest. And moved away to begin his vocation. We lost contact, since he didn't really do well with e-mailing folks.
I'm the curious sort. I enjoy googling people from my past. I learned that this friend had moved on from his last teaching post and was somewhere else. But they still had an e-mail for him. So last year, I sent a random e-mail. I didn't even think he would receive it.
But he did. He did and he's living in this area attending his second round of seminary (those priest sure do get a lot of seminary education). He seemed happy to get my e-mail and interested in trying to get together sometime. I was curious to see what life had brought him.
So I e-mailed him back, telling him when I'm generally available and letting him think about specifics, since a student's schedule can be strange. There was no reply. I tried a couple more times and still no reply.
This last time, I sent him an evite for my birthday party. Now, I was perfectly aware that getting a priest to a birthday party on Easter Sunday was pretty much an impossibility, but I wanted to leave open the possibility. He viewed the evite, but never replied.
I may have had more tolerance, if this hadn't been a close pattern to earlier behavior (agreeing to get together, then bailing, etc). It feels kinda crappy to not have some acknowlegment. So I sent a pretty diplomatic e-mail saying that I valued our friendship in the past and was fond of the memories, but that chasing a friendship didn't feel good to me.
I'm glad I did this. I feel like for a lot of my years, since I first met him that I've been hoping that he will notice me or something. I don't like that feeling anymore. More importantly, I really don't need him to notice me anymore. As a result, I'm able to be honest about the feelings that his actions elicit in me without worrying that I might sever a connection. I find I don't care.
I guess this is what closure feels like.