Sunday, July 01, 2007

All hail July!

Cody mentioned below that I seem to be sad lately. And I have been noticing that my mood lately is less happy-go-lucky than in past months. But then I looked back at the month of June and it seems pretty understandable. Let's reflect, shall we...

At the beginning of the month, I started a course of antibiotics that left me feeling like absolute crap and raised all my feelings around being sick. I go out with my boyfriend and am attacked by a vicious migraine, and am subsequently diagnosed with migraines triggered by heat and exertion. Since said boyfriend likes to hike, and I've started to discover more than an interest as well, this is incredibly upsetting. To top it all off, I can't start my allergy shots (and mine have been bad for a couple of weeks now) until I get some of my other medication worked out.

Midmonth, I led my first region-wide social work meeting at work. I didn't mention this when it happened and it went well, but it was stressful organizing and leading it. Add to that that my manager who I really liked and had been there for only 8 months was leaving on the same day to move to another state leaving our clinic again in a state of flux...well, eek!

I have made and begun acting on the decision that I would like to move from my current job. I got an interview for something I'd applied for and spent several days in preparation, then severe anxiety about the interview, only to find out that it's not really even an option because I don't want to give up my private practice.

I'm doing well in my private practice, so well that one of my clients feels well enough to stop at the end of August. She told me this at the beginning of the month, but the fact only sunk in last week as I realized that we only had 2 more sessions together. Sometime I'll write a post about the strangeness of letting go of clients when you've gotten to know them for 3-4 years.

Add to this that I had to cancel clients last weekend due to another round of gastro-intestinal goodness after eating out the night before, and I am also aware of the financial ramifications of losing one of my highest paying clients.

What I have not shared and I spent a bit of time hashing out with S this past week is that S & SS are off together for a long weekend. Yes, Hammer & Hyde, there is jealousy. I talked to S about it and it was good to hear what he had to say about the situation and me. I also heard a bit from SS about how the plans developed, so I know that there wasn't a deliberate intent to exclude me from the plans. It just happened. I'm also left with the knowledge that even if I had been intended to go, it probably wouldn't have been the best idea as I'd have had to cancel client hours 2 weekends in a row. But I'm left missing S this weekend.

One of the reasons that I miss S is that when I'm with him, I'm completely focused on the present (well, as much as one can be). I'm not thinking about work or about being anxious about what my week might bring. I'm in the moment, enjoying our adventures or looking forward to the next one. This weekend, I've been spending a lot of time in my head thinking about work and future and being anxious about things. This is not restful. I'm so looking forward to having him back.

So I think that I have been feeling a bit less content than usual, but then life seems to have been a bit more stressful. Overall, I continue to feel good about myself. I like what I'm accomplishing or working on personally. I love my friends and my partner. My family is, generally, well. It's sunny today. I've got a stew in the crockpot (what's with this "slowcooker" BS, anyway?), and I'm going swimming this morning. In general, today is going to be a lovely day. A perfect way to start out a new month.

P.S. I should add that this month marked the first time, ever, that my sister sought me out for support. No seriously. That's a shock to my system I still haven't metabolized. Don't worry though, everything has returned to the status quo since. So I doubt we'll see any pigs flying soon.


Hyde said...

Woah! Spins! You have had a lot going on... I hope July is smoother sailing. As for the trip with S and SS-- my sisters and their guys went to Jamaica without me a few years ago and I was so resentful about it that I sort of still am... but it didn't mean anything and it didn't change anything about my relationship with my sisters...

Feel better!


Aravis said...

You've faced a lot of challenges lately, and it's no wonder you've been stressed and a bit down. But you're also a strong, capable, beautiful woman with a lot of friends and people who love you. Things may get sad or scary, but you never have to go through them alone.

Sending lots of good thoughts and hugs your way!

hammer said...

wow, i hadn't realized what a doozy june had been. your reaction to your anxiety was very healthy though--- a swim and a blog. how nice!