Sunday, December 09, 2007

Hanukkah (or however you spell it)

Thanks everyone for the comments. I processed with my therapist and it was good. What we talked about, my conundrum of wanting to be both seen and invisible, seems to have played a huge roll in this weekend. It came up around issues of planning/creating my practice, money, competitiveness with SS and other random shit. It's good that I got angry, though...and I am going to drop it with my co-worker. Because she probably isn't interested in investing in a friendship once she leaves (in a couple weeks) anyway.

So on to the rest of Friday and the weekend. I had a new client on Friday morning. I really like him and I'm looking forward to continuing to work with him. Yay! I worked the rest of Friday, then I headed over to S' house to pick him up.

We went to a Hanukkah party at a friend of S'. We've been to their house in the past for Sukkot. This was much bigger. We had a shabbat service, then ate and ate and ate. I think that one of the women there was a bit shocked to meet me. I don't know if S has had a flirtation with her, but she asked all sorts of questions like "Why haven't we met you before?" and "Do you live out of state?" She was trying to get her 2 year old to dance with S or play with him. Neither of them was having any of it. The 2 year old was wanting only a kitty cat and they were wisely hiding.

I had a lovely time at the party. There are a few people there who I really enjoy talking to, although I always feel shy at first and sit close to S. I was a bit worried that he was uncomfortable with my putting my arm around him or holding his arm sometimes, but when I brought it up, he just said that it did not seem to be the "culture" in that group as no other couples were doing this but otherwise was not uncomfortable with this. It's interesting to me. He and SS and I can be walking down a street in some small town holding hands, but he is much more conscious of the norms when he is among his longstanding friends. He's a cutie.

Saturday, I saw clients in the morning and did some errands before driving S to a party for the faculty in his department. It was way up in the hills of El Cerrito. I then went back home, did laundry and watched movies for the rest of the day.

Today, I went over to S' house in the morning. We hung out in the morning, listening to Prairie Home Companion. SS went out grocery shopping, then we spent the afternoon preparing then eating out Hanukkah dinner. S had asked his mother for 2 of her favorite latke recipes, she sent one that I prepared for a Sweet Potato Latke that was out of this world! I'm going to have to make it tomorrow night, I think, because it absolutely rocked.

The competitiveness with SS came up around the cooking...she is so very deliberate and fussy in her perfectionism. I asked her if I could help and started to do what she had asked, but it wasn't being done right and she didn't tell me until I'd attempted. Anyway, I got the distinct impression that while she was cooking she didn't want anyone else in the kitchen. So I got out, but then felt resentful and cranky. I will say, at this point I was also very hungry, so her deliberateness was being interpretted as just plain slow. I felt a little like a kid who is tired and cranky and just wants to be soothed. S came in a little while later and soothed me.

Dinner was wonderful and we lit the menorah after it was done. SS was a bit distracted as she had had a phone call from her family that someone was needing to go to the hospital. She couldn't do anything about it, but she tends to be the one in the family that everyone expects to jump in and solve their problems. She left shortly after we were done with lighting the candles.

S sent me off home shortly after that. It was a lovely day. S asked me tonight, if I enjoyed being his. I told him that I do, although sometimes I find it challenging. He asked if I was finding it challenging right now. I told him that I was feeling challenged right now, but not by being his. I hope he understood that. I feel like I'm having to face, for whatever reason, this ambiguity I have inside me. It could have huge implications for my life - I both hope for that and fear it.

Okay, then, I'm going to watch the last of my Netflix for this weekend then go to bed.

1 comment:

Hyde said...

Ambiguity is scary, but I'm trying to believe that it leads to growth. Hope you work yours out in a happy way.