Monday, May 05, 2008

"One only understands the things that one tames"

And, so, Friday was a busy day...it was also the wrong day to recognize the anniversary of S & I, that was Saturday. But I had already cried. So there it is.

I went out with SS that night to have dinner and see Figaro. It was not the opera, but a "musical play." Some of it was funny, some very poignant. I was not prepared for it to be 3 hours, though. I was exhausted by the time I got home.

Saturday, I saw clients then came home for a nap. S had given me tickets to see The Little Prince. It was a lovely opera...and not too long. I have to admit, I thought the ending was a bit overdone, but perhaps if I read the book, I would appreciate it more. I took my work colleague and we had a lovely time.

Yesterday morning, we had combat class at the marina. I went to watch and learn, rather than participate. I practiced some of what my physical therapist has been showing me about standing correctly. Tonight, at class, I'll be working. I spent the rest of the day resting again and watching television.

Throughout all of this, I continue to e-mail and leave messages for S. He will often e-mail me back. I miss him, and I feel a little invisible to him...my therapist and I agree that I'm doing this to remind him that I'm here. It's no fun to feel invisible. He continues to say he loves me (and show me in small ways like giving me the tickets and sending me an anniversary e-mail).

It's not always sadness and doubt though. I am moving through life and living. This is good for me, even though it's hard.

6 comments:

shorty said...

Why not take this opportunity to look for someone else?

Right now you are free to date other people...why not explore.

Take all that you have learned from your time with S and take it to a new relationship.

Do you think it is possible that you will ever get over S if you two/three are not going to be together intimately again?

Do you have a time frame in your head of how long you will wait for him to make up his mind?

Such a strong woman as I sense you are, I can't believe that you are letting him control yours and his relationship stands.

Can you move on?

shorty said...

oops

* "control where yours..."

shorty said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
spinsterwitch said...

Shorty - I have thought about how long I will wait. I don't know at this point. It's really only about a month that he's been at this. It's just hard to deal with.

As for dating someone else, I think that even if this were a clear "break-up" I wouldn't be ready to date anyone else just yet.

The reality of what I'm going through is much less dramatic than what I often describe. I suppose that's the way of things when dealing with relationship woes.

As for him controlling where the relationship stands...well, I would have the same kind of control if it were me asking for space to work through something. I just haven't felt the need to do that with him. I am aware that I have the choice to do something else, but for now I'm just trying to be here now.

shorty said...

That's totally understandable.

I only asked because I too have struggled with the very same questions and I was wondering how others deal in the situation.

Thanks for being candid.

Hang in there as long as you can, but remember that your time is precious and you can't have it back. You might miss out on meeting someone as equally inspiring and rewarding as S has been to you.

Cody Bones said...

"Hang in there as long as you can, but remember that your time is precious and you can't have it back. You might miss out on meeting someone as equally inspiring and rewarding as S has been to you."

God, I wish I could write as well as Shorty, but in my own plodding way I say "Yeah, what she said"