Gah!

S and I had lunch together yesterday at Temescal. I got upset because he told me that he would be away the week that I'm having my colonoscopy done. I'd been hoping that he would be around, and it brought up my anger that he was not around this past week when I wasn't feeling well.

I know that I tend to get anxious about health stuff. And I look for answers. The internet is so very helpful (maybe detrimental, even) in that. But it's my brain trying to make sense of what is going on.

I let S know that I had left a message with my private practice suite-mate to discuss a contingency plan if something is happening for which I might need to take time off for treatment. My sense is that if this is the case that there will be some sort of quick movement and I won't have a lot of time to plan after the colonoscopy.

S just got really upset that I was catastrophizing. I may be a bit in my head, but this does not feel like this. This feels a little like having an earthquake kit in my home. I've never spoken to my suite-mate about any possibilities like this because it has never occurred to me to do so, but it is a sound thing to do even if this is not the time that such a plan has to be put in place. It's bad timing, but it does seem like a thing that needs to be done, regardless.

S told me that he perceived this type of thinking as never-ending. I just about got up and walked away from him at that point. I tried to explain that I'd been feeling scared and lonely in the past week, and then this got turned into his frustration that he felt I was saying I felt alone when he was there with me. At that point, I sort of was since every feeling I was bringing up seemed to be perceived by him as some sort of attack.

I finally just told him that I didn't know what to say. We eventually, after a long silence, ate lunch together. He told me more about the conference and I told him about The Hulk. We were able to laugh and be close.

I ended up writing him a long e-mail about my feelings last night. I don't know how he will receive it, and I'm coming to a place where I need to find the strength not to care so much I think. Although he says that he does not want me to feel pushed away, I continue to get the sense that whenever I experience painful emotions in relation to him or in his presence that this is not okay. That is not okay with me, especially right now.

I did share with him that I was sad that he would not be around the week that I am having my colonoscopy, and I said that I would like it if he called me sometime after the procedure. But I'm leaving that with him for him to do with it what he likes.

My co-worker, D, told me that I need to not rely on him so much. That this happens when a relationship is ending or pulling apart. I know this, but I've also had the mindset that I am still S' partner until he lets me know that this is no longer the case. But what seems clear to me right now is that he does not seem to see himself as my partner, in this time. I know that should have been painfully obvious to me, but I guess that hope springs eternal.

I don't know what to do with all this, but it leaves me feeling very sad.

P.S. I am also aware that much of our interactions yesterday may have as much to do with his own fears of what may or may not be wrong with me. There is a part of me for which that is helpful...another part of me is just still pissed.