I'm finding, now that I've friended my mother and assundry other relatives on FB, that it's much harder to speak my mind there. So it just may be that I will be around the old blogland to air some of my stuff here.
I just got back from MN. It was a lovely trip, and I felt very cared for around the gluten issue, but boy did it raise all my family issues.
I feel bad for S. I want to see him today, but I'm feeling like I need to hibernate. So I made plans to go for a walk with him, and now have cancelled. It sucks.
So what went wrong? Nothing much...just the frustration of having a father who cannot experience anything he does as good (or ask for what he wants). He showed me a pair of diamond earings that he bought my mother for Xmas. She's wanted a pair forever. The first thing out of his mouth was that he thought they were too small. He couldn't believe that she would be blown away by his gift, just as it was.
Then there's my mom who wants to talk to me, or really anyone, all the time. She's an extrovert. I can't really blame her for it, but it drives me crazy. It feels invasive to me, even though I know that's not the intent.
And my aunt...what to say about her. She's my dad's sister, so she grew up with the same incredibly abusive mother, but her stuff get's expressed a little differently. She's a bit OCD in some of her stuff, especially around cleaning. And there is this way that I feel like if she could she would reel me in and having me living in my parents' house for the rest of my life. Smothering, even though I only see her a little bit while I'm there.
I feel like I sound ungrateful or unloving. But that's the thing. I do love them. I just can't live with them. In fact, I feel like I'm able to love them better from afar.
And so, today, I'm hibernating. I'm trying not to feel badly that I am hibernating.