Wednesday, May 04, 2005

**GULP**

I think I might be insane...surely this post will sound like it. I've decided to do something that I have not done for many years (not since my tragic crush on the Beatnik turned priest). I've decided to try my hand at dating men.

This may not sound like such a big deal to some of you, but it feels hugely frightening to me. I'm attracted to men, but have so little experience with them that I get a little antsy about the idea. I haven't felt this anxious about something since...well, since I started dating women.

So I've been tossing the idea around about how I should jump in and decided to investigate eHarmony (while I was working up a craigslist ad in my head). What I didn't expect is that I would get a match there so soon...and dear gods, but we've sent each other initial questions. (The process for eHarmony is slow introduction with the ability to stop the process before you actually talk to the person directly. It's also extremely focused on marriage, which...gods!...I ain't quite ready for.)

I notice that I'm automatically defending against rejection. This is what the tricksy little voice in my head says...Well, he's not going to like what I look like. I'm too busy to really date and he won't want to stick around. I don't have a lot of dating experience and I will be a complete and utter failure at a) communication (yea, yea, I'm a therapist and this really is silly), b) sex and intimacy with a man, c) maintaining my own boundaries and being an independent, kick-ass woman within a heterosexual relationship.

ACK! So now you see. The Spinster finds it easier to be alone than to face the idea of rejection or failure. Dear gods, I wish I could afford therapy right now!

2 comments:

Flash said...

Good luck

Gladys Cortez said...

What Flash said.