I have, since my little life began, always wanted to please people. This has been the primary shaping factor of my life thus far. My fucked up logic is that if I make other people happy in life, then they will love me. It doesn't, of course, work that way most of the time. And, luckily, I have not run into anyone abusive or horrible in the process. The gods have been good to me that way.
When I was a teenager, I wanted so badly to be a little punk. My biggest crush was on the boy with the blue mohawk and piercings wearing his lovely black leather jacket. But I was too afraid of disappointing my parents to go crazy. As it was, they told me I dressed like a homeless person.
During college, I still never got up the courage to let the inner rocker chick go. Drugs were not my thing, although they were pretty available had I but asked. Then I went right into the Lutheran Volunteer Corps after college which is where I got religion...well, the old religion, anyway...and came out as bi. These things seemed sufficiently rebellious at the time that I think the idea of a little punk chick went by the wayside.
I've come to terms with a lot of things about myself. Most people who look at me are going to think I'm your average woman, in terms of hair and dress style. Actually, I feel pretty comfortable with that. But sometimes, it feels like that little punk that I pushed inside for so long leaks out more and more.
Lately, it's been happening at work...People have been noticing my tattoo more (it's been warm, this happens every summer). I've been sharing my love of certain types of music. There are certain other darknesses that will never come to light here, but it feels strange. There are ways that I have kept my work persona very separate from the "real me" and letting this other part of me leak out is a little unsettling. I know it should be good, but there's that part of me that still wants to please people that has certain ideas about what it is to be a "professional."
What led to all this you ask? A conversation with a co-worker about a new tattoo I'm planning (yes, Hippy Chick, I've figured out what I want and now I just need to figure out how to pay for it). Seems like a small thing, I know, but it feels like it takes a chink out of my perfectly pressed chainmail.
4 comments:
One of my favourite things about the whole blog world just occured whilst reading that post.
The first paragraph could have come straight from my own heart & it's lovely to know that it's not just me.
Bless you, spinsterwitch!
Woo hoo - more tattoos! I know you will be shocked to hear of my own similar experiences, particularly in high school but also beyond of not letting the inner me come out due to worrying about disappointing my parents. It ended up coming out in other ways but I always wished I had done those appearance altering things at a younger age too...luckily you do let some of us see more of the inner you and those who love you, like me, appreciate you all the more for doing so :)
There's a whole lot more of us than you think. :)
I'm glad this struck chords with people. It's very reassuring.
Post a Comment