Tuesday, November 22, 2005

"But it's only me and I walk alone"

On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being a week ago last Monday and 10 being the day I get a $10 raise), today was a 3. I read tarot cards before going to work in the a.m. Today, in the work section I drew the Justice reversed card...and it was dead on. The person who had been our interim manager is now our permanent manager...the other people learning this were so enthusiastic. I know that I started off on a bad foot with this person. The day felt like another in a series of "what Spinsterwitch did wrong" - although I suspect this was more because I'm being more vigilant to that than the "what Spinsterwitch did right" signals.

I also realized as I was driving to see clients, that I felt like all the various troubles I'm having at work were mine to solve alone. I don't know how to ask for help. I don't like changing my routine (because it's mine and I'm alone, right).

Then I realized how pervasive this idea is for me. I have this mythology about my life (FFS, let's talk about my on-line name, shall we). I'm a loner...the odd one out...she not picked for the team, if anyone can help it.

I don't know exactly where I'm going with all of this, but I realize that this is something I just don't know how to change very well (especially when it comes to work...because do you ask for help when asking for help might be a sign of weakness to the new manager? And what kind of help would I be asking for anyway...especially when I don't have trust).

I'm going to give it through the new year...if it doesn't get better, I'm going to start a serious job search. This is just sucking something vital out of me - oh, that's it, joy! (along with the ability to have a restful night's sleep)

Just one more day before the 4 day weekend...there's a little bit of joy right there.


Aravis said...

It can be difficult to admit that you need help, that you don't have all the answers. But nobody does. The nice thing is that, in reality, it's not your responsibility to take care of every little thing, whether at work or in other aspects of your life. I've found that often people are willing to help out, and in some cases eager to have the opportunity because it gives them a chance to show what they are capable of as well.

No matter how things turn out regarding work, I'm wishing you the best. I hope you find your joy! :0)

Alecya Giovanni said...

I know I haven't left a lot of comments, lately and I am sorry about that. Know I am reading and sending you huge hugs, Spins.



Hippy Chick said...

Yeah that's a tough one. My usual default is to "kill 'em with kindness" and then people usually respond. If you ask for help and are somewhat deferential, which is flattering to people and might actually get you the help you need then it's a win/win situation. On the other hand if you can't stand the thought of being that way with this woman then maybe the goddesses are pointing you in another direction. Either way try not to take it on as something you did wrong. Sometimes, often, people just suck. I'm hoping tomorrow will send some joy your way, we're so happy you are staying in town and joining us :)

red one said...

Spin - can you talk to a colleague about work, rather than the new boss? They might be more helpful - and are handily not in a power relationship over you. Even someone who does the same job but at a different place might help...

Also, from your blog it sounds like the work problems are not you doing anything wrong, but just dealing with very difficult and distressing situations. It's hard to have a job where you're meant to have empathy and not, well, feel the empathy... bit of a double-bind.

Roll on the joy. You deserve it.


Mr. Mystic said...

Mrs. Mystic, suffers from a mild form of Narcolepsy. I would hate to see the full form. Anyways she knows quite a bit about sleep disorders, so please feel free to ask a question I will pass it on.

spinsterwitch said...

Mystic - thanks, but I have to admit that my sleep problems are anxiety related. And actually I slept quite well last night.

P'tit-Loup said...

I don't know about your agency, but at mine, as a supervisor, I always emphasize to our workers that bringing their concerns and challenges to supervision is a sign of strenght and desire to grow. I also inform them that awareness of their shortcomings and willingness to look for solutions in addressing these issues will not be seen as a sign of weakness. Rather, I will respect them more for bringing all of themselves in the work place. Not that I want to know about all of their personal issues, just those that pertain to the work we do together, and how to help them be more professional and competent. I know, my agency is very strenght based, and that is a huge part of why I am there still despite all of the christianity! I know that I am very instrumental in focusing on these strenghts too, because I certainly don't see myself as one up to very many folks.

Hang in there, and have a great thanksgiving!

Roixn, you don't have to put on the red light!

Fred said...

Since you got off on the wrong foot with the new boss, and you're having problems, how about making an appointment and asking that person for help? That may break the ice, and maybe form a more productive relationship.