Wednesday, November 02, 2005

"I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it"

I had a dream last night. It was a long dream…I was having a good night of deep sleep, but I woke up abruptly.

This was the part of the dream that I want to share: My father was driving a bus with me and my grandfather in it (my grandfather is deceased). He started down a gravel road that quickly became hilly. Then the road turned into a roller coaster track, and as we hit the first steep hill, I got out to push from behind. The first was not so bad and though the next hill was a steeper uphill grade I didn’t really think about what would come after it. But we got to the top to a little plateau, and I could see how steep the drop would be and that the next hill was not going to be any better. I suddenly was gripped with a fear, like sitting at the top of a cliff and facing a freefall, and there was no way that I could stop the bus from careening out of control.

I sobbed and begged my father to turn around, that I couldn’t do this. But he just seemed unaffected and kept saying, “we need to keep going.” My grandfather was clueless, but he’s dead, so what do you expect?

At some point I gave in, fine let’s do this then…and the dream changed. Suddenly, the bus was in this tunnel and the roller coaster track was being dismantled and a more gentle path was being constructed…although there was still the danger of some “foggy room” ahead. But not only was the path easier, but there were lots of people around as well.

There are some incredible layers in this, but the one that struck me the most was that I was pushing this bus that my dad was driving. My therapist said, last week, that he wondered if my core issue was about not being able to let myself have anything good. So I take everything that’s given to me, and somehow can’t let myself really have it. It struck me as such a negative thing, and after I left, I was thinking about how this really felt like what my dad does.

Somehow I had taken on my father’s bus…his subtler attitudes about his life and himself that make life a terrifying roller coaster ride. That it wasn’t really my decision to make…that I could give up that way of doing things, and the whole scene would be transformed into something manageable, where I had lot’s of help.

I know it’s not quite that easy…dreams are powerful, but they can’t replace the insidious thoughts that we’ve carried around our whole lives. But suddenly, just knowing where it comes from, and who to give it back to in my brain, frees me up to think about deserving the good things that come into my life.

11 comments:

Lord Bargain said...

should we have a "complete the sentence" game here, do you think?

"illy bus escapade was just a way of me getting to the park without the need for rollerskates."

or something.

(it's the writing, it's sending me round the twist)

red one said...

"hebang."

All change please. Yes, I think having to push someone else's bus for many years could be a bit much...

red

spinsterwitch said...

Clearly I didn't re-read once I'd posted to blogger...

Let me see if I can find that lost bit...

spinsterwitch said...

There now it's fixed, and everyone will just think you two are a little off in the head!

sunshine said...

Wow.
Now when I read that dream, I didn't get the same interpetation, but it's not my dream.

I took it as it's your life, but as you already have lived it. That you have had smooth paths, then hilly ones, obviously those two men mean a lot in your life. You feel like life is a roller coaster and you need to keep your dad on track. The less rocky road is what you are on now, surrounded by people (us bloggers and your new business ) The fogginess ahead is the unknowing future.

Or I could just be an idiot. I'm definatly no therapist.

the urban fox said...

Ooh, that's an intriguing dream. To me, it says the fear of life is more daunting than actually living it. Once you stopped pre-empting fear by feeling anxious about what was ahead, you saw other people around and realised we're all in this together and that you can just relax into the journey.

I think my interpretation is automatically less valid than yours, because you were the dreamer and your interpretation is the only one that matters. But that's what it made me think of anyway.

spinsterwitch said...

Sunshine & Fox - thanks for the insights. I think that there is a lot there (as there are in many dreams). My interpretation is based on the themes I'd been thinking about lately, so it is good to hear other ideas about it, too.

red one said...

Worryingly, perhaps, I was dreaming about a fox last night... I don't remember much, but it was indoors, which was strange. I gave it some food.

Now two reasons for you to think I've gone slightly mad.

red

MrMystic said...

Normally I would offer an analysis but I think its better if you interpret this one yourself.

Fred said...

What Mystic said. Interpreting dreams is foreign to me.

Ka said...

I just wanted to pass you a hero cookie for quoting the Indigo Girls in the title of the post. Ten points to you, darling.