Friday, November 11, 2005

"My mind runs wild as water"

It's been one hell of a week. Really - hell. The signature in my e-mail reads: "God has no power over the past, except to cover it with oblivion." (Or something like that anyway.) So I hope that it gets covered soon.

I'm left feeling sick - nauseous, tension headache...and with strange dreams - this a.m. dreamt that someone was in my room, lifting me out of bed. And I just wish that this coming week is better. There are already signs that the universe may be looking up.

But let me get all of my sadness out of the way, so that I can move beyond the week. B told me this Wednesday over dinner that she and her husband are almost surely moving to Oregon in this next year...maybe as soon as February or March. She is part of my family here, and while I am happy that she will have a lovely home, I am devastated that she is leaving. With Executive Director departing for the East Coast as well, sometime probably this coming summer, that leaves HippyChick as a lone pillar of support.

I know, I know that new friends will come...but I'm reserving the right, for this moment, to be a little immature: I don't want those new friends. I want my old friends!

There, now, let's start the weekend and all hope that this coming week is brighter and happier.


Only 2 people took me up on my offer to ask questions a couple of days ago.

Foxy wrote: What's your favourite color? and Who was your first love?

Well, I go round and round about my favorite color. Sometimes it's burgundy or purple or a deep blue or green. I tend to like the richer, jewel colors. There is no one that is definitively my favorite.

And my first love? That's tricky, isn't it? It's especially tricky because I did not know that I was in love exactly at the time...well, I sort of did, but it was before I'd come out and things were a little more murky at the time. I'll call her Married with Children (MWC). I met her in the dorms in college and later we shared an apartment with a couple of others. And I've never told her that I was in love with her (this little bit is for my reader who knows this person...I think you know who you are). We remain friends to this day, although I only see her once a year at Christmas. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding...and was instrumental in her meeting her husband (with whom she is very happy).

I differentiate this from the first person I fell in love with (that's SJ, and his story is in the archives somewhere)...I think because there was a different quality to it. Maybe it had to do with being more aware of it happening in the second case.

Carol wrote: Was there ever a Christmas present that you wanted and didn't get? What was it? and Did you give it to yourself as an adult?

I can't think of a present that I really wanted as a child and didn't get. There probably were some. I have to admit, although I love presents, holiday gift giving has always felt...I don't know, somehow overdone. I always had pretty much what I needed and could never think of much to ask for...

So I can't remember if there was something I really wanted and didn't get. Probably there wasn't. I do remember that there was always something I got that made me happy. Now I'm an advocate for small gifts and limiting gifts or making gifts. I even tried to have my family just donate money in my name to a charity one year, but that was vetoed.

That's it for me tonight, folks!


the urban fox said...

Interesting, Spin. You will definitely make new friends who will come to mean just as much to you. Every ending is a beginning, etc. But it's totally understandable that you'd feel a bit sad about B moving away.

Completely agree about small gifts. I am naturally a bit on the extravagant side, but try to rein it in because it's just pointless fripperies that nobody needs. Christmas is a weird time. I am always aware that for every person unwrapping a creme brulee mini-blowtorch or cashmere iPod case, there are 100 other people hoping there will be enough dirty water for their whole family that day. (I think that's officially known as whiny bleeding heart-ism. Oh well.)

Fred said...

Sorry to hear your friends are leaving. It's OK to be immature about it, true friends are hard to come by nowadays. I'm sure everything will work out for you, though.

My first true love was actually my wife. Before that, I really never loved anyone, just hung out and had a good time. So, I guess I got lucky.

Aravis said...

Spin, I'm so sorry to hear about B. Of course you're sad. At least you can keep in touch, though it isn't quite the same as being able to see one another. *hug*

Funny thing about donating to charity instead of gift-giving at Christmas. Nobody ever seems willing to do it. "That's not a real gift!" they say. Now, if they really want to give you something that you want for Christmas, then why don't they do so? What's up with that?

It's been an issue in my family as well.. *G*

MrMystic said...

It takes a lifetime to learn that love has no boundaries . I have lived away from my family who I adore most of my life. But when I visit its pure bliss. A little distance from loved ones is good sometimes and it doesn’t have to be forever.

writinginAK said...

I'm sending you big hugs! I totally resonate with your feeling of wanting the old friends and not new friends. I'm still feeling lost after finally making friends here and then having three of the women I felt most comfortable with move away in a three-month period -- and that was three years ago. I especially really miss my close "Outside" friends, like you and other past housemates over the years. And especially now during this accident recuperatin time.

Sigh. I'm not sure that's encouraging for you. But I think a good solution would be for you and HippyChick to move to Alaska :) Then we could all be friends in the same place. What do you think? *G*

Lots of love and hugs and hopes for amazing new people in your life, coming your way.

btw, 2nd word verification after typing the wrong pw the first time ... miouwfo: a term of endearment for a pet or beloved person ... e.g. miouwfo sweet kitty cat. (which the cats in my house generally don't deserve. Max slept on my head all night, and it's hard to make him move when both hands/wrists still hurt, and I can't bop him over the head with my casts now that the casts are off) :)

Hippy Chick said...

Wow, I'm really sorry to hear about B and ED leaving this year, I know it will be hard. I will definitely continue to support you. Thankfully you also have all your new blogosphere friends supporting you too! Things really will get better...hang in there Spin!