I'm tired tonight. Just exhausted. And I wanted a hug in the worst way tonight, but I didn't get one...no one around I could or wanted to ask for one. And so now I'm crying.
Crying because I felt utterly incompetent at work today; because a patient that I liked (and had been talking to earlier in the day) was taken out of our center as they were doing CPR and most likely was pronounced dead at the hospital; because a lovely young woman had her trust violated and turned to me to help pick up the pieces and there's no way I could.
I just so wanted to give up on everything: quit the job, sell my identity, and go somewhere where no one could find me...work a stupid retail job and live on nothing. I was just shaking from it all.
And here's what keeps me from it: I couldn't hurt the people I love that way. I know that it wouldn't solve some of the underlying crap. If I had to work in a WalMart, I'd have to take people out...and that just goes against my ethics. And the most basic reason is that I know when I wake up tomorrow, I won't feel quite this bad.
Still, this was a bad, bad day. I don't even have decent kleenex at home tonight!
To add insult to the injury of the day: my cousin was just crowned Miss Alaska USA this past weekend. I know that she's worked really hard at this - she's run 3 times now...I think she just wore the judges down - but it goes against so much of who I am and what I believe. My mother was terribly excited to tell me that she gets to wear a fur coat all year, and can keep her crown...oh, and she gets a scholarship to UofAK (the bit mom was least excited about was the part that I thought was most impressive).
And the very last bit I need to add...there was no NaNoWriMo writing again tonight. I do plan to continue to write, but my confidence in "winning" is waning. And, strangely, I feel relieved. As I drove home tonight from work, I realized that I didn't want another thing that I felt duty bound to right now.
So I'm going to go curl up in my bed, listen to more music without words and the rain, and read my trashy novel until I fall asleep.
I sincerely hope that you all had a better Monday.