Monday, November 07, 2005

There are no words in my music tonight

I'm tired tonight. Just exhausted. And I wanted a hug in the worst way tonight, but I didn't get one...no one around I could or wanted to ask for one. And so now I'm crying.

Crying because I felt utterly incompetent at work today; because a patient that I liked (and had been talking to earlier in the day) was taken out of our center as they were doing CPR and most likely was pronounced dead at the hospital; because a lovely young woman had her trust violated and turned to me to help pick up the pieces and there's no way I could.

I just so wanted to give up on everything: quit the job, sell my identity, and go somewhere where no one could find me...work a stupid retail job and live on nothing. I was just shaking from it all.

And here's what keeps me from it: I couldn't hurt the people I love that way. I know that it wouldn't solve some of the underlying crap. If I had to work in a WalMart, I'd have to take people out...and that just goes against my ethics. And the most basic reason is that I know when I wake up tomorrow, I won't feel quite this bad.

Still, this was a bad, bad day. I don't even have decent kleenex at home tonight!

To add insult to the injury of the day: my cousin was just crowned Miss Alaska USA this past weekend. I know that she's worked really hard at this - she's run 3 times now...I think she just wore the judges down - but it goes against so much of who I am and what I believe. My mother was terribly excited to tell me that she gets to wear a fur coat all year, and can keep her crown...oh, and she gets a scholarship to UofAK (the bit mom was least excited about was the part that I thought was most impressive).

And the very last bit I need to add...there was no NaNoWriMo writing again tonight. I do plan to continue to write, but my confidence in "winning" is waning. And, strangely, I feel relieved. As I drove home tonight from work, I realized that I didn't want another thing that I felt duty bound to right now.

So I'm going to go curl up in my bed, listen to more music without words and the rain, and read my trashy novel until I fall asleep.

I sincerely hope that you all had a better Monday.

21 comments:

P'tit-Loup said...

There are no words to express the feelings that your post bring to my heart. Because of our work, we are very likely to be faced with such situations, and there is no way to prepare for it, and to know how to deal with it. I hug you from here and I'll deliver it in person when you get here at Thanksgiving. For now just immagine my arms around you, in kind and gentle silence, with love and sorrow in both of our hearts.

Aravis said...

Sending you long distance hugs.

It sounds like much of what you're dealing with today is due to things outside of your control. To me, those sorts of things hurt or frustrate me the most. I'm so sorry that you had to go through so much of that, especially all in one day! I hope your Tuesday is much, much better.

Hippy Chick said...

Ugh, it WAS a horrendous day for you my friend and I'm so very sorry about all of it. I'm glad you had yourself a good cry and a curl up and a trashy read. You took care of yourself the best you could and always do. You are always doing the best you can even when you are exhausted and sad and feel helpless. I am sending you tons of hippychick goodvibes and a big cyber hug: (((<<< >>>))) - hope you can feel that! Tomorrow will be a better day for we shall defeat the Terminator and his stupid props! Grab your sword, Eowyn for you shall vote like no man!

Bee said...

How horrible. You have my deepest sympathy.

Here's my advice: be nice to yourself, take comfort in small pleasures, and remember that (as George Harrison said) all things must pass.

:)

PS. Word Verification word: "mycaiq". Which sounds like "my cake". So think of this comment as a kind of virtual cake, sent to cheer you up!

Charby said...

Poor Spins.
Have a virtual hug instead!

Lord Bargain said...

good heavens, much Monday nastiness.

I recall you sending me a mantra to recite during some dark cry-y days, and whilst I don't have the words to share, I'd share the same sentiment that you are more important and valuable to the world than I suspect you think today you are.

hope things look up for the rest of the week.

word verification:

"mtvbbq". I kid you not. sausages and burgers at the music network it is, then....

LavaLady said...

Oh Spins, I'm sorry for your very bad day. Here is a hug << >> - I hope today dawned better, and if not, there is always tomorrow.

Times change, for better and worse.

Alecya Giovanni said...

Spins, I know that you are such a genuinely sweet hearted person. What a terrible day for you. I hope you can see there are so many of us who want to share your burdens and understand what you feel.

Sometimes it feels like all you can doto make it better is run away, but you cannot run from your nature, which is what pains you now.

Think, for a moment, how good it is that you are an empathetic person, who loves and feels the way you do.

That is why people love you.

Much love and hope for a better day, sweetie.

AG

Hyde said...

Oh No! I sincerely hope today goes better for you. You are the BEST! Sending long distance hugs...

-h

red one said...

Ahh, Spin, I'm sorry you've had such a horrible, sad day. There's nothing worse than having to cry on your own when you're feeling sad. I do know how that feels, so there is a big hug from me too.

The thing about your cousin is so ludicrously bad it could have come from some straight-to-video movie. I nearly choked on my tea. The clashing contrast with the serious things you were facing the rest of the day is really quite spectacular.

I hope your Tuesday is better. Take care.

*another hug*

red

thephoenixnyc said...

Here's a hug from NYC. We all have days like this, and no, it doesn't make it any better for you, but it does show you are not alone.

Kisses and hugs.

spinsterwitch said...

Thanks you all. I'm still feeling pretty rough around the edges but a little bit more on balance than last night. The pull to stay in bed was so strong, but really that way lies nothing good. So here I am...even able to have a good laugh at the whole beauty contest thing. I've decided that I might have to have a Miss USA party when the damn thing happens (it's not even Miss America!), so those of you around here...watch for it.

sunshine said...

I'm visitor 9992? Is there going to be a prize at 10,000?

That makes me sound greedy.

I'm just have counter envy.

the urban fox said...

((((((((((((((((spin))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((spin))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((spin))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((spin))))))))))))))))

We heart you, Spinnyspinspin. Hope you feel lots better today.

OK, 16 more hugs:

((((((((((((((((spin))))))))))))))))

spinsterwitch said...

sunshine - do you want a prize? I hadn't noticed it was about to turn, so I'll award you a prize for noticing, if you like.

Fox - wow! that's pretty demonstrative...are you sure your British? But much thanks.

spinsterwitch said...

Oh, and I forgot to mention the prize...I like this one, give me a topic to write on...anything.

beedragon said...

That sucks. I am sorry you have to go through that. Please accept a hug from me too. I hope things get better very soon.

the urban fox said...

I'm not entirely sure, no. Funny you should mention it.

Hope your hug deficit is now repaid in full, with some left over for a rainy day.

red one said...

That could be an interesting prize, Spin. What if it's "Flugelhorns and strawberry jam: the little known connection" or something?

red
ps word verification says: "dldfpoxh" - part of the post about the flugelhorns and the jam.

i can't believe i've got to type that again now...

Brian Harrison said...

I don't know you and you don't know me...But my sympathies on your horrible day. It will get better.

Flash said...

Big belated hugs straight from the very bottom of my heart, Spins.