Monday, December 19, 2005

"Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow"

I didn't really want to come out and play tonight. I thought about inflicting my brain and my heart on you in it's recent arguments about feeling empty and how that's just not logical. But at some point my heart would chime in: "I want to talk about it all." And so, knowing how impetuous my heart is, I'm not going to let her out on the page.

So you are stuck with me. A me that has been waiting to get home to just let it out. A me whose heart has been singing "Nobody loves me. Everybody hates me. They're all out without me having fun." (The head is saying, "For fuck's sake, stop with the Green Day and put in some Indigo Girls will you!" You can see who I listen to most often.) A me that wants to not be so anxious just looking at the paper that seems to have swarmed over my desk in the past 8 hours.

I'm supposed to write an article tonight for the spirituality journal I write for, and I don't know what to write. I want to sit in front of my television, turn on something meaningless, yet somewhat entertaining, and veg out for the evening. Just writing about what I'm feeling hurts sometimes.

And all this in spite of a couple of pieces of good news: 1) my boss is at her other clinic all week! and 2) Sammy and the insurance people have come to an agreement. Sammy's shop will fix my car for only my deductible. I hope they can get it done by Thursday.

I've been obsessing about London, but I think I might need to stop until after the holidays now. I thought it would be a nice "diversion" (like my fantasies of what to do with money I might win in the lottery I never buy a ticket for), but it's just causing more stress at the moment.

So here's a question for you to ponder...are you a play by the rules type of person, or someone who likes to bend (or even break) the rules sometimes (or even always)? I'll bet you never guess which I am! *read with sarcasm*

13 comments:

Matt said...

I love you Spinny. I only with I could help you. I think it might be time to move away from System of a Down and Green Day. How about Amos Lee? Very mellow.
As for your question, I'm a play it by the rules person. That being said, I like to get away with as much as I can. Let's just say I like to screw with the man as much as possible.

Aravis said...

I'm sorry that this is such a difficult time for you, spin. Nice about the boss and the car, but those are surface things and can't always cheer a person up. You can also know you're loved without always being able to feel it. I know how that is. I'll keep sending good thoughts and wishes your way. In the meantime, I'll try to answer your question:

I believe I'm a "play it by the rules" person by and large. But I can also conceive of times when rules should be bent or broken, so I'm not completely die-hard on this.

spinsterwitch said...

Renton - Thanks...

Aravis - "You can also know you're loved without always being able to feel it." This is exactly what my internal fight has been about. I know you all love me, but there are parts of me that are holding on to...something else.

Tomorrow night I'll post the article I wrote. It's actually very good, I think, despite (or maybe because of) my mood.

Lord Bargain said...

I think I'm a "play by the rules" person also. I'm never sure that isn't a Good Thing, to be honest.

oh, and talk about it all. That's the idea...

Charby said...

I try to play by the rules but I dont have a problem with breaking them in order to get my own way!

shadow51 said...

There are rules?

LavaLady said...

Hey Spins, it's actually *warming up* and is supposed to be in the 40s later this week (south of where you'll be, but still close enough that you might not freeze entirely!).

Hope things look up.

the urban fox said...

I'm a bendy/breaky type myself.

The two pieces of good news are good indeed. Aces.

Alecya Giovanni said...

I am definately a bender. Can't help it.

Hope you have a very happy christmas. When do you leave for home again?

Ho ho ho- and all that junk
AG

spinsterwitch said...

Well, no one took me up on my sarcastic question...I'm a "play by the rules" person who's always wanted to be more bendy/breaky (I like the fox way of putting that).

Scully said...

It's hard sometimes always doing it by ourselves. I hope you're feeling better. Thanks for all your supportive comments on my blog during the last 6 weeks. I really appreciate it!

Mr-Mystic said...

I think I am going to need a therapist on my blog before I'm through, with my latest post.

P'tit-Loup said...

Well Spin, I would have guessed you were a break the rules person. I tend to play by the rules for some big things, but I love to break the rules too, particularly at work lately, with the dress code and other stupid stuff I should as a supervisor follow and enforce. Down deep, I'm still a rebel!