I didn't really want to come out and play tonight. I thought about inflicting my brain and my heart on you in it's recent arguments about feeling empty and how that's just not logical. But at some point my heart would chime in: "I want to talk about it all." And so, knowing how impetuous my heart is, I'm not going to let her out on the page.
So you are stuck with me. A me that has been waiting to get home to just let it out. A me whose heart has been singing "Nobody loves me. Everybody hates me. They're all out without me having fun." (The head is saying, "For fuck's sake, stop with the Green Day and put in some Indigo Girls will you!" You can see who I listen to most often.) A me that wants to not be so anxious just looking at the paper that seems to have swarmed over my desk in the past 8 hours.
I'm supposed to write an article tonight for the spirituality journal I write for, and I don't know what to write. I want to sit in front of my television, turn on something meaningless, yet somewhat entertaining, and veg out for the evening. Just writing about what I'm feeling hurts sometimes.
And all this in spite of a couple of pieces of good news: 1) my boss is at her other clinic all week! and 2) Sammy and the insurance people have come to an agreement. Sammy's shop will fix my car for only my deductible. I hope they can get it done by Thursday.
I've been obsessing about London, but I think I might need to stop until after the holidays now. I thought it would be a nice "diversion" (like my fantasies of what to do with money I might win in the lottery I never buy a ticket for), but it's just causing more stress at the moment.
So here's a question for you to ponder...are you a play by the rules type of person, or someone who likes to bend (or even break) the rules sometimes (or even always)? I'll bet you never guess which I am! *read with sarcasm*