Tuesday, January 03, 2006

"Excuse me, but can I be you for awhile?"

Really crappy day at work. Had at least 2 experiences of having my work denigrated by my boss and co-workers. Not terribly body-affirming experience with a client tonight. And now I'm home feeling a bit sick to my stomach at the idea of my appointment tomorrow and the idea that the problem of my insurance not being active might mean that I won't have my appointment.

The thing that sucks about all this is that I feel like everything I'm doing is wrong (well, except for the therapy...somehow, I can keep my focus there. I'm not sure why that works.). Everything feels so big.

I did have my first poetry-like thoughts pop into my head in months...they are a bit depressing, but still here we go: Sometimes I feel like a bird, living on the crumbs of other people's lives. Othertimes, I feel like Hansel and Gretel, when they realize that the bird has eaten their crumbs.

The one thing that, however briefly, brightened my day? The song "You're the One That I Want" from Greece. I used to just belt out those songs...

Okay, there were 2 things to brighten my day...to see Flash wandering about blogland again is stellar.


Aravis said...

Sometimes I feel like the crumbs, being left behind or devoured to meet the needs of others.

That was a really interesting thought of yours; I'd never considered that before.

Glad you found a couple of bright spots to what sounds like an otherwise awful day!

the urban fox said...

Sometimes it feels like you're doing everything wrong, but it isn't so. You're feeling low and your mind is editing out all trace of positive or hopeful things.

I like your crumbs idea. Soon this feeling will pass, truly.

As for the work experience, were your boss and co-workers genuinely giving you negative feedback or did it just feel really bad because you're already feeling less than 100%? Sometimes other people's comments feel more damning than they are, simply because we are not in a good frame of mind. Only you can decide if that's the case or not though, ignore if irrelevant.

Lord Bargain said...

I agree with Foxy. There have been times where it seemed that every little thing I did was hopelessly wrong, whereas I suspect that was far from the truth.

singing "Grease" records can't make you feel better though, surely? "Sandy" made me bawl my eyes out.

Ok, so I was six years old, but nonetheless....

Alecya Giovanni said...

I always liked "hopelessly devoted to you" by OLJ. But then, that's not an original musical track, is it?

Spins, I know things feel overwhelming, try to keep in mind that while everything may feel like its going wrong for you, that doesn't mean you are the cause of it.

As far as work goes, makea n effort to be proud of the work you do, and stand up for yourself if you need to. I know things are changing where you work, so its important you remain confindent in your own brilliance.

I know we all are.


LavaLady said...

If your appointment is for meds, and they even *think* you have insurance, go (that is, if you can have the appointment without paying for it right then). Take care of it no matter what. I know it's so hard when money is involved, but I let a lot of time go by before I got the help I needed because I didn't have the money. I STILL don't have the money to pay for the appointments I've gone to for the last month, but if I hadn't gone I'd likely be way worse off. You are important. Imagine what lengths you would go to for someone else in need. I'm making a deal with my co-pays and paying off a little each month. I'll whittle it down eventually, or pay it all off with my tax return.

As for the other stuff, all I can say is Keep on Trucking. You can make it. xoxoxo

spinsterwitch said...

I slept the night without moving, a good thing since I've been having difficulty sleeping for longer than 6 hours in a night.

I will say that somewhere inside I know that I'm not doing anything wrong, but that feeling (which translates into skin-crawling anxiety) was unshakeable. I'm also aware that both instances in my job were unfair and blatantly untrue. Somehow that doesn't make me feel terribly settled about it. I've never had my actions so misrepresented by a manager before (okay, I know, I'm probably lucky).

And LL - I will be going to the appointment, even if I have to find a way to pay for it outright.

Anonymous said...

KP--keep your chin up...just like we talked over Xmas, this too will pass. Here's another happy memory for you: Halloween, at your folks house, you, me, and "married with children", belting out The Proclaimer's "500 Miles" at the top of our lungs. It brings a smile to my face just typing about it. Love ya!
MD in MN

Hippy Chick said...

Even though it feels like you are doing everything wrong, you are actually doing everything right. You are talking/writing about what's going on, still seeing friends when you can, doing therapy and now meds. You can't do much more. Hopefully you're new housing situation will help you feel less lonely for a short while and as soon as you have the energy and motivation down the road, a new job might be a good goal. You truly are unappreciated and undervalued at your workplace but everyone who really knows you knows that you are a wonderful social worker, a loving, caring, fun, beautiful, funny and smart person and a great friend. You ARE a great social worker and I agree that you should be proud of what you do especially in the face of these co-workers because you really do make a difference there and in the world. Sending you much love and good hippychick vibes,

Hippy Chick said...

oops pardon my grammar, that is "your" housing situation hee hee