Friday, February 03, 2006

"Am I more than you bargained for?"

So I find myself at this lovely copy place after my therapy because I couldn't get this issue off my mind. Of course, it has been the topic of therapy for weeks, although the way in which we get to it is not the same as the way we got to it here.

I have a hard time letting people close. But I want so much to have people close. This is quite the catch 22. I'm afraid of people seeing who I actually am, and last week I stumbled on why. I had a frightening image that if someone were to crack me open they would find rotting things...death. Lovely to find that I have such a high opinion of myself. But after peeling the onion of my self away, this is what I am realizing at my core.

I find that I am actually glad to have found myself in this place. Suddenly so many things make sense to me. Suddenly I can begin to think about how to change this feeling that I have a rotten core...that who I am is, at essence, disgusting to other people.

On that happier note (happier than yesterday anyway), I'm off to have a weekend without cleaning or moving! Woohoo!

8 comments:

Matt said...

Darkness maybe, but not evil. I will not believe it. The darkness will disappear when you allow your light to shine.

Aravis said...

I think a lot of people have that fear that if you only knew who they really were, you wouldn't like them anymore, that there's something fundamentally wrong with them. But your character has always shone through and the rest of us know you're golden through and through. Perhaps this is what you're realizing for yourself now. I hope so, because I think you're wonderful. :0)

P'tit-Loup said...

All of the folks who read your blog and know you in life could not be wrong. There is enough good in you to keep us all interested. We all harbor dark sides and secrets we are not proud of, and uncomfortable about, that is what makes us human. There are folks with whom we can share some of these darker selves, and folks we are scared of doing so. I think if we learn to balance the two, we can be happy enough.

Hyde said...

Spins,

I think I know how you feel...

-h-

Alecya Giovanni said...

Spinny-

You are not evil. You aren't. You have a good heart.

Every person has ugly bits to them. If you think there are perfect people, you fool yourself.

You're a beautiful woman. Amazing. Honest. Sweet. Everyone here will tell you so.

I fight to accept the darker part of me as well. I know how you feel.

*hugs tight*

Fred said...

It's difficult to let people see the inside, because so many people are afraid of getting hurt. And, they do get hurt.

But, in the end, isn't that the way to find a soulmate?

I think you're too hard on yourself. You have so much to give...

Flash said...

i genuinley believe that you are one of the most kind hearted lovely people I've ever known.

So please stop doing yourself down, it doesn't become you honey!

Mr-Mystic said...

It is the most fantasticly ridiculous thing I have ever heard. There is nothing rotten inside you, anymore than there is in me, or anybody else.

You're are a wonderful person inside. If you were'nt. You would be the best actress on the planet. Because you radiate love and kindness in your blog.

Don't make me come over there to straighten you out!