So I find myself at this lovely copy place after my therapy because I couldn't get this issue off my mind. Of course, it has been the topic of therapy for weeks, although the way in which we get to it is not the same as the way we got to it here.
I have a hard time letting people close. But I want so much to have people close. This is quite the catch 22. I'm afraid of people seeing who I actually am, and last week I stumbled on why. I had a frightening image that if someone were to crack me open they would find rotting things...death. Lovely to find that I have such a high opinion of myself. But after peeling the onion of my self away, this is what I am realizing at my core.
I find that I am actually glad to have found myself in this place. Suddenly so many things make sense to me. Suddenly I can begin to think about how to change this feeling that I have a rotten core...that who I am is, at essence, disgusting to other people.
On that happier note (happier than yesterday anyway), I'm off to have a weekend without cleaning or moving! Woohoo!