Monday, May 22, 2006

Disconnection

I feel like I want to write something angsty, that I want to pour out my tortured soul...but I know that right now my soul is being tortured by changing hormone levels which have ratcheted up my anxiety. So although I'm being tortured, it's by my own damned physiology. It will go away later today, and all will again be well with the world.

I want somehow to answer Ka's recent post about wanting someone who cares just about me, but I feel a bit like I've been there, said that already...and that it seems a bit not right with my current circumstances.

And I wanted to write something about touch...about the lack of it in my life, and how powerfully it effects me, and my confusion about all of that (and anger and joy and sadness). But, clearly, it is not entirely sorted out well enough to put into words - and I also have a vague sense that I've also written on it before.

Here's what I really want to happen (what I, at least, am sure will happen in the next couple of hours) - I want my body to kick into gear, and send out the blissful, the-world-could-end-and-I-wouldn't-care hormones that I get right at the beginning of my period. I want this, so that I can go back to feeling like the goddess that I know that I am.

P.S. I sometimes worry when I write so frankly and consistently about my PMS that it will be reinforcing cultural stereotypes about women and how their "unpredictability" can be attributed to PMS. So let me clarify...PMS is terribly predictable for me (especially now that my hormones are regulated), and it is not the cause of all my unhappiness or bad moods. Sometimes shit just happens. 'Nuff said.

*******************************
Added note: Here's something I bet you don't get to hear at your workplace....
Doctor to patient: "Mr. Smith, how's your diarhea?"

Except for the name that is a direct quote of what I just heard!

7 comments:

hammer said...

You're also going thru a lot of changes in your life now, perhaps even experiencing new kinds of vulnerability... I have noticed that when I do something that i think has no raminifications, sometimes I will acutely feel its aftermath later on.

Girl In Her Underwear said...

Nice to read about someone else being tortured by PMS. I just wrote a really ugly posting on Mister Rogers. Some months are worse than others. :)

Aravis said...

I get PMS too, and understand the difference. Like hammer says though, you are also going through these life changes which must add to your stress. I don't envy you the hormone swing at the moment. Hopefully it has ended now as you predicted! *hug*

Lord Bargain said...

I am sitting in the office and have just heard the phrase "I have a hairy arse" which surely ranks up alongside your work comment?

*shudders*

Ka said...

To counter all stereotypes, I am pretty much unaffected by emotional PMS. In exchange, I get debilitating pain, or at least I did before I doped myself up on estrogen like a milk cow. Woot!

spinsterwitch said...

Oh dear, LB, at least I can excuse mine because I work in a medical setting.

Flash said...

Stereotypes are always grounded in some sort of truth, no?
I have known quite a few women who quite literally would morph into Satan's spawn for a few days every month.

And you should spend some time in a factory full of working class oiks like myself, if it's unnapproriate quotes you're after.