I thought about kvetching about how misunderstood social workers are...but sometime in the middle of the night, I seem to have lost my desire for that. Okay, well, not in the middle of the night.
S is sick. He's a funny boy about sickness...he believes that quarantine is a good strategy. And it is, but it's a lonely one. So I was sick all weekend, and only got to see him briefly. Now he is sick and I don't get to be around him (although in all likelihood he got what he has from me). I just want to hug him.
You see, we had a bit of a contracted relationship which is set to end on Thursday. We have had some preliminary conversations about what we each want next, but there is CollegeFriend coming. And here's what my biggest fear really is...that what I want (which is to enjoy CF's time here with him, then resume my relationship with S) is not going to be allowed me in some fashion. I think of it as sort of a cosmic conspiracy...
I know that all this is a bit crazy, and S tells me that I just need to imagine that life is going to give me all that I want and more (he's an optimist, that one). I know that it will sort itself out eventually.
There are no immediate solutions to this and I'm just going to talk myself in circles if I continue, so I'm off...
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3 comments:
Wow, Spins. This all sounds very complicated. I don't know how you manage it emotionally, because I don't think I ever could.
It's interesting.
love,
h
PS: BigSis is a social worker, so I kind of know what you mean on that one...
Good luck either way, Spin. It does sound rather complicated.
Ah, the want your cake and eat it too theory.
I can and have done it and it leaves me with guilt. But that's me. I also have not been honest with both people involved.
You have been and so the outcome is out of your reach, do as you wish and the rest will fall into place....S is right there.
Good Luck
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