Sometimes it feels like we need to relearn things over and over again. This can be frustrating as a therapist, but I'm aware enough of my own process to know that I do the same thing.
Here's what I am relearning...I have been struggling with what I talked about in yesterday's post: feeling like I won't get what I want - that it's jinxed by just wanting it. It feels so awful because it feels like I don't trust the people that I love...and, yes, that's a part of it, but I also realize that I don't trust in myself. I don't trust that I am worth enough for people to continually find value in me.
No need to rush to assure me that this isn't true. There is, obviously, an intellectual part of me that understands this. But there is also a feeling part that holds onto this other thing. It is this part of myself that needs to learn this and it doesn't respond to words. Freud called it the id...I think of it as our "little selves," the parts that are much younger and only know what feels good and what doesn't.
Okay, then, this is enough for today.
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Ouf, sorry I have been off for quite a while, and still don't know what the frequency of blogging will be for me for a while as I am still getting the new home organized and working too much, and teaching, and maybe taking spanish again. I must be nuts! All I can think of in reading your post is that relationships are hard, always, because they require a lot of work and honesty, both of which you are showing through your blog. From this, I can predict positive outcomes (Am I the social worker or what!?). Although it may not be the outcome you would wish for. Both relationships seem to have a lot to offer, and maybe you can maintain both in some level. You are worth both of their attention.
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