I was thinking this a.m. that I didn't really have much to write about, I'm feeling so content. But Hammer's given me a question, so I'll take some time to answer that. First, though, a big shout out to Lizzy for sending me the Pussy Manifesto! I haven't had a chance to take a listen, yet, but I'll check it out at home.
Okay, then...So the situation, as it stands for me, is that I am in love with S. I am in a relationship with him that has some fairly different boundaries because of dominant/submissive roles. I feel that I have been the luckiest woman alive to find myself in a relationship that I can experience this dynamic and feel incredibly respected and loved by the person that I'm with.
S, as we know, is polyamorous. He also has a relationship with SS that is similarly boundaried to mine. He has SS and I come together with him both socially and sexually, individually and sometimes as a threesome. It is a situation that is not common or often well-accepted, but SS and I have both been very open to this and fully enjoyed many aspects of how we all relate to one another.
This is not to say that there haven't been rough spots. There is some competitiveness sometimes, and we have both dealt with feelings of jealousy. But my experience has been mostly this: I love spending time with S, but I also love having time to myself to see my friends, to get things done, to have time to get engrossed in a book.
I think that my biggest fear about "sharing" someone was always that that someone would be ultimately chosen over me for that loved one's affection. As S has explained to me, he doesn't have to choose. He can love more than one person and give love to more than one person. This is a belief that I share, but that is not generally culturally accepted.
I love SS, but not in the way that I love S. I don't feel threatened by her. I, actually, feel at ease when they are together, although I am sometimes envious of them getting to do things that I can't (i.e. when I have clients on Saturday mornings, it sometimes means I miss out on at least some of Saturday's adventures).
Since I am bi, I've often thought about being in a relationship with a man and a woman. This is a little different, since for both SS and I, our primary relationship is with S and not each other. But still it feels like a comfortable compromise.
I am going to challenge the idea that polyamory is a west coast or California thing, though. I was first introduced to the idea and practice of polyamory when I was involved with bi community in DC. I'm sure that there are active poly groups in NY. And, believe me, not everyone out here is completely accepting of the idea of polyamory, either. This mostly has to do with prevailing myths of traditional coupling that we hold onto too firmly in our society, in my opinion.
It's not for everyone, this configuration we have. But I guess that I would say that being in a monogamous couple is also not for everyone...even being in a romantic relationship is not for everyone.
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I don't know. I do like doing things with her. She and I took a tantra class together. We've hung out a couple of times. I don't have the intensity of emotion for her that I do for S, so it makes it all rather hypothetical.
I don't think that the idea of poly is inherently viewed as a negative, per se. I think that it might get confused with the idea of old-fashioned polygamy, and it's present reliance on child brides in some parts of the country, that give it a bad name. If people respond negatively to you Spins, is it because of a misunderstanding of your situation, or is it a knee jerk reaction to Mormon wackjob story that they saw on CNN? I'm happy for you, but also intensely curious.
What I find that I run into is other people's own experience or preferences coloring their beliefs about what might make me happy. I have a co-worker who heard that S was polyamorous and suddenly disliked him intensely. It is clear to me that there is some issue for her about a man having more than one partner. Another co-worker couldn't understand why I wasn't rushing to "settle down" so that we could start on children. She was absolutely shocked when I told her I didn't want children.
I really do think that people hold onto this idea of what an "ideal" relationship looks like (or a "real" family) and they can't understand someone being truly happy with something else.
thanks for the explanation. it was very nice of you to open up to us all in that way!
do you ever think about getting together with another guy(or girl) too? Or is he the only polyamorous one?
I like the term Polyamorous. It is so much more respectful in my mind than polygamist. I'm not sure why. Hammer poses a good question. Not that the answer matters to any one but you. I agree that relationships and the definition of a family is so much broader than what the american media dares to portray. Mainstream is still struggling with unmarried couples (of any sex) with children, let alone an expansion of that concept to poly relationships. And who is to say that Mormons are necessarily wackjobs? There may be more sense in their definition of their relationship than we are willing to explore. Of course, I am sure that the CNN report would make a wackjob out of anyone. That's what sells the news to america.
I'm happy for you Spins. I think it's great that you've found S and SS. As long as it works for you, then I wouldn't pay any attention to other people's narrow-minded views. I'm like you in that I don't want children, and I get the same shocked response when people find out. They always want me to justify my decision to them, and this really annoys me.
Your choices aren't anyone else's business. If they don't like it, tough. Good for you for doing what is right for you, for what makes you happy.
But regarding Mormans, they no longer practice polygamy. It's been against their religion for over 100 years now, and they don't recognize those who practice it.
spins, it gives me a warm feeling inside reading this stuff and feeling that you've found your piece of happiness. Anyone who would judge how you found that happiness (when it doesn't hurt anyone else, anyway) is a wanker. End of.
Who needs a "conventional" life anyway? Besides, who gets to decide what "conventional" is? Why should we listen to them? What do they know about it?
ST
Just to clear the air,I'm not calling Mormons wackjobs, just the splinter sect in Colorado City that marries off children as young as 10, and move wives between elders as prizes. It seems like child abuse to me. I stand by the statement that they are wackjobs. But most important Spins, I'm very happy that you have found contentment. You deserve it. I hope that your co-worker decides to mind her own business. Good luck, and stay happy
I dated a guy who had previously had poly relationships. For me, it created a complete hang up, as I am not good at sharing and felt that, eventually, that is what I'd be asked to do. It's good to know that it does work out positively for some people, though. As long as you're happy, that's what counts!
A quick look around my midwestern city shows that the coasts have no lock on polyamory. I've been meeting poly people left and right around here!
Cody, sorry if I misinterpreted your statement.
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