In response to Aravis' last comment, I am doing really well these days. I have days, sometimes, at work where I am stressed and feel like a fraud, still (do these ever go away). I notice anxiety about small things popping up here and there. Sometimes, I don't like what I look like or feel like in my body. But more often than not these days, these things are the exceptions and not the rule.
I feel content. It is a strange feeling and one that I don't think that I have really known before. I mostly like it, although sometimes I worry that it makes me boring.
There is a certain drama in depression and anxiety, I now recognize. I worried, as most people do going on antidepressants, whether I would become a zombie that didn't feel anything. I definitely do feel, but the lows aren't as low and the anxiety is not as profound. It doesn't make me less creative, it makes me more productive in my creativity. It clears out space for me to think, as well as feel.
I think, beyond my depression and anxiety, the most radical change in me and my perceptions is in regards to my body. I know that S has had a huge influence in this. It seems unfair to my friends, like HippyChick and BeeDragon, who for years have told me that I am beautiful, but it is true. Somehow, there is something very powerful about the positive regard of the person you have sex with that can be transformative.
And it is positive. He loves my body. He would like it to be stronger and keep up with him better, but he loves the look and the feel of it. He hasn't asked me to lose weight or made derogatory comments about any part of me. It makes me mad that this feels like such a revolutionary experience, but it does. It runs counter to most of my experiences in the past with regards to my body.
And here's the thing, the better I feel about myself, physically and emotionally, the more I want to take care of myself. The more I want to engage in life. The more I want to open up to new experiences and new people.
Yay!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
I echo your "yay" and please don't think about being unfair. of course it's one thing to hear it from your friends and another to hear it from someone with whom you've been so intimate and vulnerable. so happy to hear you feeling this way!
That's wonderful Spins! I agree with hippy chick; it's entirely different coming from someone with whom you've shared yourself physically and emotionally. I love that he sees that you're beautiful and helps you to see this in yourself. *hug*
I used to be afraid that I'd be boring, too. And maybe I am; I don't know. But I loved the way you described the productivity and clarity. For me, a quieter life allows me to see the beauty in the simple and ordinary because I have the energy, calmness and patience to experience it. I don't know if that makes sense but for now, that's the closest I can come to describing it.
To me, you're never boring.
Somehow, there is something very powerful about the positive regard of the person you have sex with that can be transformative.
That's an interesting point. People can tell you great things about yourself for ages, but sometimes it's where the compliment comes from, not the compliment itself that makes the difference.
I, for one, am delighted you are so well.
Post a Comment