Thursday, December 27, 2007

I'm being petty

Especially on a day when such tragedy has occurred, but there it is. So often our own pettiness overwhelms larger concerns.

So on to my pettiness: The trip was lovely, and I'm going to share a narrative of it, I swear. But there were times when SS was driving me batty. And she kicks up all sorts of feelings of inferiority, at the same time. It's a horrible mix. At one point, I sat in the closet, while S & SS were napping, crying and writing. Nothing had happened, except my own perceived slights and (once I'd done some journaling to get some clarity) the reliving of all sorts of triangles that got played out in my family of origin.

But let me let out my pettiness: She's perfection, or tries to be, in everything. I know that many value this - S is perfectionistic as well - but this goes overboard...she is practicing hand movements for hula while she drives. While she eats, she is concentrating on how she might make the food better (and will often express her thoughts on how it would be better). I mentioned yesterday that there was a train with a gingerbread town in the hotel lobby where we were having lunch. She came back after seeing it and said she was disappointed: she'd seen better at the Fairmont.

And her moods were driving me crazy. She gets upset about something and has difficulty letting it go. I know that I do that sometime, but she gets really passive aggressive about it.

My jealousies (because I really am not jealous of the perfectionistic part): she's been everywhere, it seems. I know that I am jealous of her having been with S for longer than me, but there's not much I can do with that, but there's more than that...she gets to tell stories of being in Greece at a fabulous hotel where she had her own personal butler, or of being in Italy on a month-long vacation where she met her first dominant. Her grandmother was a rich, well-known woman and her mother was a pianist and has traveled everywhere.

What comes up in me about all that is that I feel silly and provincial, and I experience S as deferring to her in all things having to do with fashion or taste. I don't know that this is actually true, but it definitely does fit my feelings of jealousy.

Blah! Normally, these feelings or these jealousies are much more manageable since we only see each other about once a week, but this trip and being squished together in a car for several days really brought it to the fore. I'm glad there is more space.

1 comment:

Hyde said...

Vacations can definitely exacerbate problems like that. I still have family resentments from a trip that was three years ago already! If SS is a perfectionist, that's HER anxiety. You don't have to make it yours. Besides, S loves you for who you are. That said, relationships with two people are hard enough-- I can't even begin to imagine what happens when you add a third.

Hope you feel better soon!