Sunday, December 30, 2007

Shaken

On Friday night, S & I had an intense conversation about some of the things that I'd recently written about. There was more to the conversation - more about us directly and how it might be that he can care for me - and it was hard. I woke up yesterday morning with an emotional hangover. I wish crying didn't do that to me. So yesterday, I was tired, but I felt good and it was a lovely day together.

I spent the afternoon with S at his house, then at the Oakland History Room in the main Oakland Library. That was very fun. We went back to his house and hung out and were waiting for SS to arrive.

When she did, I knew that things weren't quite right with her. She didn't greet me, in any way. She didn't look at me. We all ate dinner together and she never spoke and barely ate. It's very telling when you are seated across from someone and they do not even look at you at dinner.

After dinner, S had us all go into the living room where he initiated a conversation about some of the feelings that each of us were having. I admitted to feelings of anger at her moods and jealousy of her. She admitted that she felt I was acting rivalrous with her at times. She admitted that she was projecting many of these feelings, but we did talk about cooking and that it is hard for me to cook with her because I don't feel like her equal and I'm used to, when someone takes control of the kitchen, deferring to that person. There were times when she felt that I was sort of rubbing her face in how well I could swim or sing...and I admit to being proud of and enjoying these things and, as S put it, "peacocking" a bit, but never with the intent to make her feel less capable.

All of that was hard to listen to but I was glad to clear the air a bit. But then the bombshell got dropped.

I've mentioned that something happened with SS' camera while we were snowtubing at Badger Pass and the pictures were erased from the memory card (although S is going to see if that's actually true or if the camera is just not reading the memory card). Well, what I didn't mention was that the camera was in my hands when whatever happened happened. I was trying to take pictures of S coming down the hill and I tried to turn on the camera. But a blue screen with all sorts of writing was coming on. So I turned it off and on and tried again. I was able to get at least one really great picture of S & SS coming down the hill the next time. Then S was dragging me up the hill. As I gave the camera to SS, I told her that something strange was happening, blue screen, etc. Then was on my way for my ride. When I got down, SS was not standing by the side as usual and I went over to ask if she'd seen. "The pictures are gone," she said. "The memory card is erased."

Now as you know, I'd been frustrated by her moods and I was done with them and she was clearly angry about this. I really wanted to try to put things in perspective...we were having this incredibly fun experience snow tubing, so I said, "They're just pictures....come on." Of course, it didn't help. When S came down the slope I sent him over to her because I wasn't going to be able to deal with it.

Well, she'd taken the comment quite personally, and a step farther. She was upset that I would just dismiss the pictures because she'd worked hard to take some that she wanted to eventually give as gifts to friends. They meant a lot to her, she told me last night. But then, she admitted that she believed that I had caused the erasure of the pictures (and this is the kicker) intentionally or by accident.

Now I will admit that I don't know her camera well. I might have hit something accidentally (but FFS, if that's the case, the manufacturer needs to know because I wasn't that clumsy with it!), but the idea that I would have intentionally erased the pictures?! I, literally, could not breathe.

I've been trying to understand how it is that she could believe something like that of me. Not only do I know I would not do such a thing, but I'm pretty sure that most people who know me would know this too. Such deliberate cruelty for no purpose (and indeed to my detriment, as well, since there were pictures of me on there that I wanted to be able to send to people or post here) is incomprehensible. Of course, I recognize that she must have had experiences with other people where this was done, but it's not like I'm a stranger. The idea that someone who is a friend, who I have shared things with, been intimate with, could think this of me was shattering. It makes me realize that I don't really understand her.

S came home with me last night to hold me and help me get more grounded after our talk. I was feeling completely out of my body and was extremely happy that he'd come. And then was happy that he left. I was exhausted, and, ironically, was worried about SS - he'd left her at his house while he took me home.

I really don't know what to do with all this. By the time we left, I couldn't look at SS. We got to the point where she apologized for the pain that she caused, but she never apologized for accusing me of sabotaging her pictures, so I'm thinking she still believes that on some level. It's just icky having someone feel that way about me...how can I trust someone who doesn't trust me? And we have to continue to have contact because we are still with S. S is going to call and check-in with me tonight, and I think I'll let him know that SS & I need some time together, at some point, to sit down and talk again. I'm really not relishing the idea, but in some way, something has to be more clear for me.

Today, I'm reading a trashy novel, going to breakfast, then out for some retail therapy at Goodwill this afternoon. I think I'll take a nap, too, since the emotional hang-over is still here.

4 comments:

Cody Bones said...

Do you know the old saying "todays tragedies are tomorrows anecdotes"? It strikes me that this might be one of those issues that is better left to die, than to constantly rehash. Possibly the passage of time will take the edge off. Look at the bright side, imagine if your poly relationship was with two men. The conversation might go as such "Dude, you deal with it, I'm playing Xbox" "No way, it's your turn dude, I did it last time" Meanwhile, you stand to the side doing a slow burn. If S can truly juggle the emotions of both female partners, then he truly is an amazing man. Good luck with this Spins, and I hope you come to some sort of accommodation with your feelings. Have a Happy New Year, and I'm hoping for the best in 08 for you.

hammer said...

Yes, Have a good day, and a Happy New Year! It sounds to me like she was just trying to hurt you by accusing you of breaking the camera---not that she really believed it, but that she realy was mad and really wanted to hurt you. that's just my opinion.

Hippy Chick said...

Wow that sounds very intense.
To me it sounds like part of it is the natural jealousy that arises between two people who love the same person and are thrown together for better or for worse. I'm not saying that it's not disappointing and very hurtful that she would accuse you of purposeful sabotage, and you're right the people who know you know that you would never do something intentional like that - but people have different ways of expressing jealousy that aren't always so clear and forthright. You both have a lot of talents and it's also natural that you two should be proud of them - and the fact is, like it or not, you are competing for S's attention at times. It's likely unintentional or subconscious at times and fully conscious at other times as you've blogged about. I think it's great that you want to clear the air and as you and SS have been through rough times before, I think you will be able to get past this one too and hopefully with continued respect for one another. I think she did mean to hurt you too but I doubt it was really about the camera. Keep the faith, you two will be able to work this out. I know it's really hard though - and I think it's great that as hard as these things have been, you have dealt with them and faced them - and you should be very proud of yourself, it's way more than most people are able to do. You are a very strong woman and it's ok for strong women to not always feel that way :) I 'm sending you tons of love and oxoxox and hippy chick goodvibes. I know 2008 will be a good one for you!

Aravis said...

I believe Hippie Chick is right; it makes sense. There's bound to be these feelings of jealousy and competition, conscious or otherwise, and they're going to surface from time to time. At least, so far, the three of you have been able to address them. I hope this resolves comfortably for you all. I also agree that you're incredibly strong, perhaps even more than you know.

*hug*