I had a conversation last night with S about my wanting to "know." He's been with me now through many different illnesses/scary medical things. There was the blurry spot in my eye, the seeing doctors around my Lyme, the flu, colds, allergies. He's seen the way I somewhat obsess about the details of these things to try to cope...and how the obsessing brings its own anxiety and frustration.
So last night, we were talking and he told me to stop. He gave me examples of other explanations that have been used in the past as people tried to make sense of illness (I personally liked the "being possessed" one, since it feels a bit like that), and how ineffectual they have been.
This is a hard thing for me. I'm a therapist, for one thing. I look for meaning and help people make meaning of painful things. I also recognize that this is something that doesn't work so well for me when I feel under the weather, and that I take it to the level of obsession. But it is a scary thing.
So here's what I'm going to do today: I'm not going to do any searches on Google about allergies or alternaria. I'm not going to search any of my symptoms. I'm going to try to focus on what I'm doing to manage how I feel, and feel secure that I am doing all that I can in this moment.
And if that doesn't work, maybe I'll have myself an exorcism to rid myself of this demon!