That's what this has been. Emotionally, anyway. That last was not a sentence, I know.
I finally e-mailed S and we have agreed on a time to meet and talk today. I want to talk about how hard this is for me. I want to think about and talk about what I need, but everytime I think about meeting him, I kind of dissociate. It gets hard to think and my stomach gets upset.
I love him and I miss him. I need to work on working on me...it's what everything I've been reading says. That's the important part, regardless of what happens. But there's a part of me that keeps saying, "but..but..." and looking for S.
I finished reading a book called Deep Survival last night. In the last pages of the book, the author says that we are all "flying upside down" all the time in life. It certainly has been feeling that way a lot lately.
Despite all this - I still know that I'm lucky: In three weeks I will be on a plane to Oahu!