Saturday, May 10, 2008


This is Spins' new Dell computer talking to you. I'm pretty. I have a purple top and I am portable with Wifi, so I can go anywhere Spins wants and be her fashion accessory. I sure am fast compared to the old fogie that she's had at home before now. Well, that's all I wanted to say...I'll turn the rest of the post over to Spins.

Isnt' that cool?! I bet you all wished that you had a computer that would start your posts for you. It is a very neat computer and I was really excited that it got here so fast. And it was all set up for me so there was no exhausting downloading of programs or having to install anything. She's very user friendly.

And it is a good thing that it got here. It's a good distraction for me.

I had my talk with S yesterday. I don't know what I really expected from the experience. I love him and I've missed him, and I think that I had hoped that he would come to the same place.

We went to Lake Temescal and walked. We sat and watched some young kids and their moms have a picnic. They we went out to sit in a tree and talk. I asked him if he thought that he would want to be in a relationship with me when he'd come to a place of figuring things out. He was honest enough to say that he didn't know. He knows he wants to be in a relationship, but at different times that means different things (or looks different ways).

He talked about the things that he wants to pursue in his life and how he wants someone who can mentor him. I really do think that he means this, but I have strong doubts that anyone can successfully mentor another person in all the things they feel they lack, or are pursuing. This is our own journey. There is a wish that he has that he would be "taken care of" in this way. But if that's the case, I don't think that I will really be there. Even if I believed that this would really work, I don't think that I would ever have enough experience in the ways that he wants to grow that I would be helpful to him.

I told him how I was feeling. I love him. I want to be with him. I love him enough that I would want to be with him to see him grow. I love him enough that I do this even knowing that doing so is taking a chance that he may grow away from me in some ways (he is afraid that this will happen and I will be hurt). I want to care for him, but he isn't very good at giving up control at the ways that he wants to be cared for.

I told him that I would re-read what he had sent me several weeks ago about the kinds of things that he is hoping to pursue, and I will. But, here's the rub, I love him and I am willing to commit to him as he grows and changes. But he needs to be as committed to me. I love him for whom he is. I will love him, even if he never achieves what he wants. I will love him when he needs care and when he doesn't. And I realized that I want that back.

I want him to love me for me - not what I can give to him...and in all that we talked about, even though he said he loves me (and he did say that), it never seemed like loving me was enough for him to wholeheartedly embrace a relationship with me. That leaves me feeling like I am not important, and that is not a good way to be.

So I need to think some more. I need to ask him some hard questions (and make the ideas more clear than here because I feel like I haven't been really concise), and do a lot of thinking. I want to try to be as gentle and thoughtful in all of this as possible, but my stomach hurts and so does my head, sometimes. This is making me feel physically ill, a lot. I don't like that.

I went out with SS and her niece, C, today. We went to the Pagan Festival in Berkeley. There was an awesome fusion belly dance troupe that performed and lot's of crafts and jewelry. I got a tarot reading, which was fun. Then we came back to my place and I did tarot readings for SS & C.

SS gave me a dragon book with a dragon you can put together inside...that will be fun, once I get done being distracted by my new computer.

Not all is bad in my life, but I do feel profoundly in a place of flux and really not enjoying it too much.

1 comment:

Hyde said...

Oh, Spins! I know exactly how you feel. I hope that you can come through this and know that you are important, no matter what S is looking for.