Sunday, October 19, 2008

I'm feeling very confused and sick to my stomach

I went out with SS and her niece last night to see a hula performance. It was really wonderful, but ran really late.

I spent most of today running around and doing errands that needed doing, and preparing for tonight (well, technically, that was last night now...). I was heading to meet S & SS for dinner and a show in SF.

I was thinking during part of this afternoon that I should just call and cancel because it was feeling all a bit overwhelming. Now I wish that I had.

We had dinner at a German restaurant...probably not a good choice for my tummy on most nights, but I enjoyed it as I was eating it. While S & SS stayed in the restaurant, I explored a leather store and went into a thrift shop and found the perfect outfit for me for Halloween.

We all went to stand in line for the show...but S was acting strangely. I couldn't read what was happening with him, so I decided to make the best of it. SS was not having such an easy time with his weirdness.

The show was a really interesting one, but my stomach was getting increasingly upset...part dinner and part S continuing to not seem to enjoy the evening. I really enjoyed it - an interpretation of the Jewish folktale "The 7 Beggars" by a musician/actor/beatboxer. But I did think I might have to leave at one point.

SS, kindly, drove us back to the East Bay. I had anticipated that S would be staying the night with me, but he said that he would prefer to be alone this evening. So we dropped him off.

SS came by my house, so I could give her her ticket for the concert and an acorn squash. We talked and I learned some things that in hindsight I wished I hadn't learned. At the time we were talking, I wasn't feeling badly really. But then SS left and I was left feeling increasingly lonely and shitty.

My stomach continues to be a mess, and now I've been crying and it is just making things worse. Suffice it to say that I am annoyed at S and yet this is also just more telling me that I am going to need to move on.

I don't feel the need to go into the details. I'm not even really sure how I want to respond because I'm still confused about what all my emotions are and whether it is worth the effort to say or do anything at this point...or if I should just grieve this new little wedge that is between us.

I just really needed to write this out tonight. Hopefully doing so will let me sleep. I have a 5 hour rehearsal tomorrow, and I need to have sleep.


Cody Bones said...

Spins, I can relate. The bitch of the matter is that as I get older, the number of food items that I can eat without upsetting my stomach shrinks. I of course don't accept that, and with my wonderfully defiant and stubborn behavior, I have been known to say "fuck it". The amazing thing is that when I listen to my body, my body treats me right. Sigh, it's tough. Ir regards to S, maybe a clean break for a little while might not be the worst thing in the world. Good luck to you Spins, you deserve it.

Hippie Chick said...

Hey Spincita, so sorry you are feeling crappy both physically and emotionally. Just remember that you are a wonderful person deserving of happiness in whichever way you find it! Sending you lots of love and healing thoughts and virtual oxox.