I went out with SS and her niece last night to see a hula performance. It was really wonderful, but ran really late.
I spent most of today running around and doing errands that needed doing, and preparing for tonight (well, technically, that was last night now...). I was heading to meet S & SS for dinner and a show in SF.
I was thinking during part of this afternoon that I should just call and cancel because it was feeling all a bit overwhelming. Now I wish that I had.
We had dinner at a German restaurant...probably not a good choice for my tummy on most nights, but I enjoyed it as I was eating it. While S & SS stayed in the restaurant, I explored a leather store and went into a thrift shop and found the perfect outfit for me for Halloween.
We all went to stand in line for the show...but S was acting strangely. I couldn't read what was happening with him, so I decided to make the best of it. SS was not having such an easy time with his weirdness.
The show was a really interesting one, but my stomach was getting increasingly upset...part dinner and part S continuing to not seem to enjoy the evening. I really enjoyed it - an interpretation of the Jewish folktale "The 7 Beggars" by a musician/actor/beatboxer. But I did think I might have to leave at one point.
SS, kindly, drove us back to the East Bay. I had anticipated that S would be staying the night with me, but he said that he would prefer to be alone this evening. So we dropped him off.
SS came by my house, so I could give her her ticket for the concert and an acorn squash. We talked and I learned some things that in hindsight I wished I hadn't learned. At the time we were talking, I wasn't feeling badly really. But then SS left and I was left feeling increasingly lonely and shitty.
My stomach continues to be a mess, and now I've been crying and it is just making things worse. Suffice it to say that I am annoyed at S and yet this is also just more telling me that I am going to need to move on.
I don't feel the need to go into the details. I'm not even really sure how I want to respond because I'm still confused about what all my emotions are and whether it is worth the effort to say or do anything at this point...or if I should just grieve this new little wedge that is between us.
I just really needed to write this out tonight. Hopefully doing so will let me sleep. I have a 5 hour rehearsal tomorrow, and I need to have sleep.