Monday, November 10, 2008


I wish I could be more creative on my titles these days.

Friday was a busy day, seeing my naturopath and a new client. I had one of those "no-shit!" moments with my naturopath. She'd had me fill out a food chart. Then one of her first comments was "you are not eating enough to be as big as you are." She then started asking me about my portion sizes. She's thin (and I'm guessing comes from thin people), but seriously when will people get that food is only a part of the equation. I have generations of fat people in my dad's side of the family...and this was when they were farmers living off the land. They were not sedentary people.

This comes on the heals of SS telling me about her doctor refusing to give her a physical therapy referral until she loses weight. She's recommended Jenny Craig (which makes me see red...and if you want to know why, just e-mail me) or Overeater's Anonymous. Let's just be clear, SS eats more lightly than I do. She attends 2 dance classes a week (plus an extra hula practice on the weekends), and walks on other days. I'm going to help her look for a new doctor.

Anyway, SS & I went to see the performance that night of Big Moves and other dance groups. It was awesome. There were men and women and boys and girls of all body sizes dancing and having a fabulous time on stage. These are not professional dancers, so there were some stumbles and wobbles, but there were sublime moments as well.

Saturday, I met up with S in the afternoon. We talked about what had happened this week. It was helpful. I had misinterpreted some of his non-verbal reactions into something other than what they were (yeah, I have to remember I'm not good at reading minds). But I was spot on on other things.

We each talked about our own resistance in this relationship, and I talked about my frustration and not entirely understanding why things are the way that they are. As painful as it is, I think that what's clear is that (despite the fact that we both love one another) he believes that he wants something different. He also believes that I want something he can't give me (or would want it if I could think about things clearly...I'm not sure how to do that when love is so strong). He's making his idea a reality, unfortunately, when he isn't willing to give me something that I need for fear that he will bind me ever closer to him to my detriment. Blah!

Yes, it all goes in circles and it's all frustrating. And we have more to talk about. And I feel infinitely sad about it all when I let myself think of it.

We spent the rest of the day in adventures...lunch at a Mexican restaurant with an Italian name. Followed by the traditional corn tortilla toss in the parking lot (don't worry, we didn't leave the tortilla on the ground).

Then we went to Playland Not-at-the-Beach. It's a museum of amusement parks/circuses which focuses mostly on SF's Playland at the Beach which closed in the late '60s. It was great fun, especially since there are play-all-you-want pinball machines in the back rooms. That rocked.

Sunday, I met with some folks who are interested in forming a magic working group together. It was good food and good discussion. I took myself to see The City of Ember after that. I really enjoyed it. I want to see it again and think more about it's themes.

I've been achy a lot this weekend and tired. I don't know if I'm fighting something new or if this is just a flare up of symptoms I usually have. But I'm trying to get a lot of sleep and pay attention to it. Lot's of hot baths has been good.

It's a new week: SS is leaving for HI on Wednesday. Her mom (who I have issues with even though we've never met) is coming here the same day and will be staying through Thanksgiving. So I probably won't see her as much as I usually do for the rest of the month. I'm actually pretty busy this week with a potluck on Wednesday, and clients, etc. A good thing. Staying busy distracts me.


Anonymous said...

I wish he would let you take responsibility for your feeling and that he takes responsibility to his, rather than action on the possibility that you will feel closer to him and it will "be to your detriment." It's one thing for him to just own his own stuff, it's another to refuse you something on the basis of what "might happen" - you know the pros and cons of getting what you want from him and are perfectly capable of dealing with any potentially painful consequences. I think he just can't let go of the power position. I also agree that you not taking out an ad yet makes sense - you still need time to grieve, and in my opinion, getting some space from S might help but I know it's not that simple where love is concerned. I just think you are giving his feelings consideration that you are not receiving in return. I hope you can realize your own power to get your needs met at some point, even if not by him. Sending you much love and positive thoughts!

hippie chick said...

oops didn't mean to make that anonymous - that was from me :)

hippie chick said...

and yet another: first line should read: "I wish he would let you take responsibility for your feelings and that he takes responsibility for his, rather than acting on..." sorry slow brain this Monday!

spinsterwitch said...

That's my biggest frustration as well. I know eventually I'll need space from him, but I'm not doing well at that right now. Thanks for the feedback...and sorry I didn't call you this weekend!

Cody Bones said...

I hesitate to go balls out on the commentary because,
1. I'm a Man, and therefore probably wrong,
2. No one can get a full sense of a relationship by a blog post.

But, what the hell, I usually put my foot in my mouth, so here goes.

He doesn't want what you want. You will not get what you want from him. It's time to move on and get away from him. No none needs the tail end of a breakup listing aimlessly with occasional sex, It doesn't help. It's time to drop kick S through the goal post of life, and move on.

It doesn't mean that you should run out and put an ad in CL, but it does mean that you should move on with your life and the grieving process. Every time you see him, you take a step backwards. As Patton once said, "Forward, Forward, Always Forward"

good luck, and I'm sorry if I came on a little too strong

spinsterwitch said...

Cody - there's a part that absolutely agrees with you...but the other part still outweighs it. I'll get there eventually.