So this morning the question of who am I loomed large in my mirror. It was such a simple action that triggered it - gathering up my hair and pulling and twisting it back off my face. It's a practical way to wear my hair, some have even admired it as pretty. But this morning it just didn't feel like me, and I realized that I think that's the first time in a very long time that I've had a sense of rebellion about something so simple.
So this woman I'm about to send out the door to work - she is something constructed, something reined in, and I don't like it. It's a little surprising. Sometimes I get angry that I mold myself for others, but I'm always convinced that there is a part of me in that mold. But what if I'm finding that who I really am is not what I've created for the world to see.
And then there is the question of what do I let of the real me show. It's a question I've seen in different blogs lately, specifically related to content on the blog. And that's a big question for me, right now. But it seems like it's a parallel to what of this new creature that is me do I let out into this world that I've never entirely trusted enough to be real in. What will it look like? And will other people even notice the change, or is there just some arbitrary internal construct that I'm raging against.
All I know that I'm sick of feeling hollow, and I'm pretty sure that the hollowness would not go away even if I did find a partner (although there are certainly benefits to that, too). So it's me that's gotta figure out how to be a me that's somehow whole and real.