Tuesday, August 16, 2005

"A soul to dig the hole much deeper"

So this morning the question of who am I loomed large in my mirror. It was such a simple action that triggered it - gathering up my hair and pulling and twisting it back off my face. It's a practical way to wear my hair, some have even admired it as pretty. But this morning it just didn't feel like me, and I realized that I think that's the first time in a very long time that I've had a sense of rebellion about something so simple.

So this woman I'm about to send out the door to work - she is something constructed, something reined in, and I don't like it. It's a little surprising. Sometimes I get angry that I mold myself for others, but I'm always convinced that there is a part of me in that mold. But what if I'm finding that who I really am is not what I've created for the world to see.

And then there is the question of what do I let of the real me show. It's a question I've seen in different blogs lately, specifically related to content on the blog. And that's a big question for me, right now. But it seems like it's a parallel to what of this new creature that is me do I let out into this world that I've never entirely trusted enough to be real in. What will it look like? And will other people even notice the change, or is there just some arbitrary internal construct that I'm raging against.

All I know that I'm sick of feeling hollow, and I'm pretty sure that the hollowness would not go away even if I did find a partner (although there are certainly benefits to that, too). So it's me that's gotta figure out how to be a me that's somehow whole and real.


LavaLady said...

Accept and seek out that which you desire. Do one thing different each day (your new profile pic is dead sexy, I think you're moving in the right direction). You seem to be very accepting of yourself already (compared to me, from my POV). What's missing? What are you holding back from Yourself? I look forward to finding out about you as you do.

Flash said...

Sadly, i fear that we all have to rein ourselves in for public consumption. Just to meet society's expectations.
Jesus, I've even started with the "Ooh, am I too old to wear that?" shit!

However, I do feel that I can be about 98% of the true me, on my blog.
And the support of my friends in blogland makes that possible.

So if need be, conform a little for the outside world but be yourself here in your domain.
'cos frankly, we all love you the way you are Spins.

Moose said...

I could be off on this (as I am most days :), but I don’t think what the new you looks like is nearly as important as how you act…act isn’t the right word, but unfortunately the right word is escaping me. Show the world who you are by what you do. Smile at the silliness of children. Pet small woodland creatures. Hold the door for a stranger. Show the world who you are not by your physical appearance, but by the indelible mark you leave on the lives you touch.

Aravis said...

spin, I have the same reaction when I take my hair down. I, too,have long hair and I like it. But I hate having it in my face or in my way as I go about my day, so I rarely wear it down. When I unclip it at the end of the day, my image sometimes startles me.

As for being yourself, I can only second what others here have already said. We like you for who you are, as we know you. We'd be happy to know more, if you wanted to share.

As for your final paragraph, I have to say that once you're comfortable with yourself and feeling more whole, I bet the partner appears.

spinsterwitch said...

Thanks everyone for your comments. I've been thinking a lot about this today in the midst of my fog of stress.

This morning I just didn't want to go out again and put on a grin and pretend that my life was just fine when I've got this fog of stress with my private practice looming. So today I talked about it more at work with colleagues- simple solution, I guess.

But there's also something about the loving of me that's hard that I've always struggled with...and here's this part of myself that I'm completely vain about (my hair), probably the only thing, and how completely symbolic is it that I bind it up or back when I go out into public.

Okay, I'm tired and I'm just rambling incoherently now. I'm going to make a sweep of blogs...add some new poetry and it's off to bed with spinster.

You all rock!

P'tit-Loup said...

I really like Moose's comment, and the new pic is awesome (as Cartman would say). The real me is a continuing quest for most of us, how much to share and show, how much to keep private. Keep on looking for what will make you most comfortable inside and out.

Bee said...

I would just like to say that I know exactly what you mean.

Sorry I can't add anything more helpful than that, but that's all.