I got an e-mail from Sister yesterday. And it was an actual e-mail - not a joke-mail. See I've sent out a letter to family and friends telling them about what my experience had been like in the past 3 years of training, and thanking them for their support of me. I'm guessing that the e-mail is in response to the letter. This is what it said:
"HOW ARE YOU DOING? CAN YOU BELIEVE CHRISTMAS IS ONLY 3 MONTHS AWAY AGAIN?
THE CAR BUSINESS IS VERY SLOW RIGHT NOW, WHICH MAKES ME BELIEVE THAT YOU MAY
HAVE A GREAT SOURCE FOR YOUR PRIVATE PRACTICE.
MOM SAID YOU WERE ON VACATION NOT TOO LONG AGO. ANYWHERE ESPECIALLY FUN?
DROP ME AN EMAIL WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE.
This is the first time we have "spoken" in about 9 months (and yes she does always write her e-mails in caps)...except for the e-mail right before my birthday asking where she should send my present. I always try to call to thank her, but she never picks up the phone and never returns the calls. So now I don't try very hard either. I did respond with an e-mail to this, but I have a feeling that there will be no more from her until I try to reach her on her birthday...then see her at Christmas.
My therapist has been asking a lot of questions about Sister, and I've been surprised at how painful my memories are of wanting her approval and attention. I mean, really, isn't it supposed to be all about your parents! And I'm left worrying about what she really thinks of the letter I sent out...I sent a card after she had a car accident several years ago. I heard about it from my mother and called her. It was one of the few times I've actually gotten her "live" on the phone, but she avoided talking about the accident, then quickly said she had to get off the phone and call work and would call me back. She didn't, and I wrote her a card telling her I was worried about her, but understood that she may not want to talk about it, and that I hoped to see her when I was home over Labor Day that year. I had tried hard to keep any hurt out of it, but she told me mother that I'd sent her a bitchy card.
I don't have an adult relationship with this woman, and it pains me. And I don't know what to do to reach out to her because I'm afraid that she will mistake any attempts I make. All this is made harder by the fact that we are almost completely opposite, in terms of life goals, interests, political views, and personalities. I worry about what our communication will be like after my parents are gone...I can't imagine, at this point, wanting to spend holidays with her or vice versa.
And all of this feels like a failure on my part (yes, yes, rationally I know this is not true...but I have a hard time with any sort of rationality when it comes to this relationship). I have been educated to be able to communicate with people and help facilitate the way that they communicate with others, and I can't be comfortable spending an hour at lunch once a year with a woman whom I've known for my whole life.
And, why do I always write about sh*t at work that makes me cry?! Very bright, spins!