My mother made my Monday better than just Monday, and she did it inadvertently. See I got her FedEx package yesterday, but it actually arrived Friday. Since I wasn't in until Monday, I got to have it there to cheer me up. I needed it.
Here's what was in it (don't look at the mess on the floor behind it):
Pickles (dills, spicy dills, sweets and spicy sweets)....she wins awards at the Minnesota State Fair for these pickles...and preserves (strawberry & blackberry), and honey toffee (these she didn't make, but picked up in the Ag building at the State Fair).
You know how I was feeling like I wanted someone there...I wanted community and just companionship...well just getting this package felt like getting a little bit of that when this arrived. Just enough to get me through the day.
And, of course, this was tucked into the top of one of the boxes...a bit of my mother's humor, which now everyone who works for FedEx has experienced:
And yet in the midst of all this goodness and love, the following feelings also came up:
"I love my mother a great deal, but she is one of the reasons that I feel like I go through life communicating in code. I can never be straight forward about what I feel about anything, it seems, and I recognize from her and our interactions, how this began. And this is rearing it's ugly head for me right now...this code. I feel sometimes like I can hardly say fully or be seen in all the good and bad parts of me. I can't make myself vulnerable in that way because I was raised by someone who wouldn't/couldn't see the bad in the world - who denied it, and to be a part of her world, I cut off a part of me. It's not her fault really...she did what she had to do to cope with a husband who rarely saw the good in anything, especially himself. For a long time, I thought I was more like her...now I worry I'm more like him...and in reality I'm some fucked up combination of them both."
It can never be just about getting pickles, can it?
I got to talk to WritingInAK last night, briefly. Things are going to be tough going for her and E, but it sounds like they have a lot of willing support from friends and family. I'll have to go looking for some reading material for her tomorrow...