Sunday, December 11, 2005

"Frosty the snowman knew the sun was hot that day"

First, for those of you who requested readings, they are in the previous post. Go searching for them...

Next, if you are not in the mood for another depressing post, you might want to check out here. You've been warned.

Last night, after feeling so grounded with cleaning, I decided to do some bills, and realized, as you Brits so charmingly put it, that I'm skint. Just enough to pay some bills, but I need to not be quite as generous with my gift-giving this year and take some things back.

But that's not the worst, the worst comes in the reality of my car. Someone asked today, if I was going to have to pay for the repair up front then get reimbursed. Well, if that's the case, I'm going to be getting awfully familiar with AC Transit again because I don't have the credit or the savings to pay for the repairs.

I was trying to think about my financial situation a little more clearly than the panic I went into last night (I only got 4 hours of sleep), and I realized that the one "expendable" expense I have right now is my therapy. It eats up any profit I would have from my private practice.

But to give up my therapy is a little more than terrifying, too. And the reason for that is my on-going depression. I don't speak about it directly here, but like other's whose blogs I read, I tend to downplay it quite a bit (even though it may not seem like I'm downplaying it - scary, eh?).

It hit me especially hard this afternoon - thinking about giving up my therapy, then reading Flash's joyful posting and realizing I haven't felt really happy for about 6 months (not in any sustained way, there have been brief moments here and there). And I've finally given in to the fact that I do need to start on some medications, since even though I feel like there is some small hope on the horizon, I just feel so vulnerable to the shit that life keeps throwing at me. And since I can't stop the shit, I've got to find a way to at least be able to deal with it internally.

Anyway, I have a doctor's appointment first week in January and I'll be talking to her about it then. And I have to have honest conversation with my therapist about my financial situation, as well as the extent of my depression (which I haven't even fully disclosed to him).

That's all for now. I'll keep you posted about further developments.

15 comments:

SwissToni said...

hm. thinking about you spins.... the only way is up, right?

ST

Matt said...

*hugs* If you need to talk, I'm here.
As for the car, around here you have to pay the deductible, but the insurance pays the rest. Call your ins. company tomorrow and ask. The answer may be great, or it may suck, but at least you'll know. */hugs*

sunshine said...

Hi

To cut corners on xmas gifts, could you make something? I get the sense you are creative. If you can put the car off a bit, then do that. Don't give up the therapy if it makes you feel better. Talk about your finacial issues maybe get on a payment plan. Call credit card companies and request your interest rates to be lowered. Tell them you saw another creditors w/ a lower interest rate and you will go there. Work them. Money is a lot of peoples stesses, one of mine too. But you can't get blood from a stone, so no sense losing sleep. Look around you. You own everything you see, that in itself is an accomplishment. You have friends and family, food and us, so don't be sad. :)

Good Luck

Mr-Mystic said...

If you are putting the repairs to your car through the insurance, you don't have to pay up front the insurance pays the mechanic direct, and , or you can request that. If the insurance company is any good since it was not your fault they should pay for a replacement car until yours is fixed.

Cheer up don't forget the little fox is coming for a visit.

spinsterwitch said...

Thanks, you guys. I'm better than I was earlier, although I'm tired. I'm also trying to slog through some things which I've put off for about 6 months. And I'm cooking a big pot of bean soup for the week.

I did get out to a holiday party where I got lot's of hugs and sympathetic ears. (I realize that sounds a bit like I now have a bunch of ears strewn around my apartment...)

Hippy Chick said...

sending you lots of oxoxox. i'm sorry you're so down, amiga but things will really get better, they always do...

P'tit-Loup said...

The ears all over the apartment just conjure up quite a sight in my mind. You can add a pair from my end, if there is still space. I have little earings that change colors, they will brighten up your display of ears. (yes, I am a little twisted). Hang in there, good for you to come to the realization that it may be time for meds. They can be a godsend, I have seen them help many friends and clients. <<<<<>>>>>

Aravis said...

I would say that as a therapist, your own therapy would be one of your least expendable expenses. Your job is incredibly stressful and you need someplace to go and unload. That goes triple when you suffer from depression on top of it. You have to take care of you while you're taking care of others.

Hopefully you'll hear from your insurance company soon with some good news. This time of year is so stressful financially, I understand why you're worried. Hang in there!

*hug*

red one said...

Can I give you some hugs to strew around with the various ears and earrings?

About the car: Like renton said, first check the real situation - better than worrying about all the possible badness. Second, if you are supposed to pay up front and claim back after, it's a short-term financial problem, not a long term one.

So don't give up the therapy if it's helping you. Look for a short-term fix to get you over the car headache. Is there a better off friend who can give you a short-term loan? Or if you use the car for work, ask them for a loan you can pay in deductions from your wages.

This bit's more important: when you're feeling down, please remember that the rest of us see the wonderful, warm, funny, kind, witty, creative person you are, Spin.

More hugs

red

Alecya Giovanni said...

Spins, I hope thigns start looking up for you. I would offer advice, but I think all the good stuff is taken.

I'll be thinking of you and sending as much positive energy as I can your way.

the urban fox said...

Nothing to add to all these sensible comments, except to reiterate that we're thinking of you and hope that things go up from this point onwards. More hugs.

Fred said...

Good luck, Spin. Things will work out.

shadow51 said...

So let me see if I understand this correctly. You are seeing a therapist but you have not yet told your therapist the extent of your depression. Okay. What do you see as the purpose of your therapy?

spinsterwitch said...

shadow51 - We just never seem to get around to it. He knows I'm depressed...but there are lot's about it I haven't told him because we are talking about other stuff (that seems important at the time).

shadow51 said...

Good enough.