First, for those of you who requested readings, they are in the previous post. Go searching for them...
Next, if you are not in the mood for another depressing post, you might want to check out here. You've been warned.
Last night, after feeling so grounded with cleaning, I decided to do some bills, and realized, as you Brits so charmingly put it, that I'm skint. Just enough to pay some bills, but I need to not be quite as generous with my gift-giving this year and take some things back.
But that's not the worst, the worst comes in the reality of my car. Someone asked today, if I was going to have to pay for the repair up front then get reimbursed. Well, if that's the case, I'm going to be getting awfully familiar with AC Transit again because I don't have the credit or the savings to pay for the repairs.
I was trying to think about my financial situation a little more clearly than the panic I went into last night (I only got 4 hours of sleep), and I realized that the one "expendable" expense I have right now is my therapy. It eats up any profit I would have from my private practice.
But to give up my therapy is a little more than terrifying, too. And the reason for that is my on-going depression. I don't speak about it directly here, but like other's whose blogs I read, I tend to downplay it quite a bit (even though it may not seem like I'm downplaying it - scary, eh?).
It hit me especially hard this afternoon - thinking about giving up my therapy, then reading Flash's joyful posting and realizing I haven't felt really happy for about 6 months (not in any sustained way, there have been brief moments here and there). And I've finally given in to the fact that I do need to start on some medications, since even though I feel like there is some small hope on the horizon, I just feel so vulnerable to the shit that life keeps throwing at me. And since I can't stop the shit, I've got to find a way to at least be able to deal with it internally.
Anyway, I have a doctor's appointment first week in January and I'll be talking to her about it then. And I have to have honest conversation with my therapist about my financial situation, as well as the extent of my depression (which I haven't even fully disclosed to him).
That's all for now. I'll keep you posted about further developments.