This week has been a hard one for me. Lots of insecurity to go along with things like my eye problems and the return of my allergies. Here's a pattern that I've noticed with my allergies. When it's really warm all night long and there is no fog, I don't wake up all puffy and uncomfortable. Bring back the moderate temperatures I love (which means a return of the fog) and their back. Oh well, not much longer until I see the allergist again.
So the real reason that I'm writing today, though, is that I'm mad at my therapist. And the twisted part is that I'm not sure if he was deliberately trying to make me mad or not. Of course, it shouldn't really matter, I should just let myself be mad at him, but I don't like it.
See, he made a snarky comment at the end of our session yesterday. As a therapist, it's well known that clients will do this...say something really significant either emotionally or in content just as they are walking out the door. But this is the first time I've had my therapist do this...and I think that I'm going to have to talk to him about it.
See my therapist has hypothesized, and this fits pretty well, that it is difficult for me to imagine that I will be able to get comfort or soothing in therapy with him. On a primal level what he says is right. Mostly because the kind of soothing I want is to be held, literally. And really the thought of my therapist holding me is a bit squicky.
But I have S...and S is a very interesting fellow in that he is very psychologically minded. His views about things aren't always the same as mine, but he has a way of asking questions and helping me to open up that's amazing. And he's always willing to spend the time holding me when I'm in a very vulnerable space. The physical holding makes me feel safe and is not at all squicky with S.
So sometimes I talk about things that S and I have talked about in therapy. Several times, my therapist has reacted along the lines of "I wonder if you are trying to tell me that you just don't need me, by telling me about this?" This week, I was talking about how, yes, I had processed something really significant with S this week and it was really hard to do, and we were talking some about how hard it is for me to be vulnerable in the same way with him, but I was so not expecting the comment at the end.
See, S and I are going to Pt Reyes next weekend. I had told my therapist last week that I would think about what I wanted to do re: cancelling or rescheduling. And during the week, I decided that with my schedule at work and medical appointments I have coming up, I would just cancel. So I told him that I would be cancelling and not rescheduling and his comment was: "Ah, so you have S so you don't need me next week. Just in case I didn't get it, right?"
This literally as I was walking out the door. I laughed because I was uncomfortable, but the moment I was out the door I had a WTF moment. And now I have the loveliness to look forward to in two weeks to address all this. Blech.
What sucks especially about all this is that he is a great therapist, usually. I feel that working with him really did open me up to being ready to be in a relationship. I really like the way that he helps me think beyond the content of things and think about the symbolism and the feelings underneath everything. So I can't just walk away. I am attached to him and it sucks that he doesn't get this and I have to explain it to him.
Okay, then, I'm off to be a therapist myself this morning. You all have a great Saturday.