Saturday, May 12, 2007

Madness

This week has been a hard one for me. Lots of insecurity to go along with things like my eye problems and the return of my allergies. Here's a pattern that I've noticed with my allergies. When it's really warm all night long and there is no fog, I don't wake up all puffy and uncomfortable. Bring back the moderate temperatures I love (which means a return of the fog) and their back. Oh well, not much longer until I see the allergist again.

So the real reason that I'm writing today, though, is that I'm mad at my therapist. And the twisted part is that I'm not sure if he was deliberately trying to make me mad or not. Of course, it shouldn't really matter, I should just let myself be mad at him, but I don't like it.

See, he made a snarky comment at the end of our session yesterday. As a therapist, it's well known that clients will do this...say something really significant either emotionally or in content just as they are walking out the door. But this is the first time I've had my therapist do this...and I think that I'm going to have to talk to him about it.

See my therapist has hypothesized, and this fits pretty well, that it is difficult for me to imagine that I will be able to get comfort or soothing in therapy with him. On a primal level what he says is right. Mostly because the kind of soothing I want is to be held, literally. And really the thought of my therapist holding me is a bit squicky.

But I have S...and S is a very interesting fellow in that he is very psychologically minded. His views about things aren't always the same as mine, but he has a way of asking questions and helping me to open up that's amazing. And he's always willing to spend the time holding me when I'm in a very vulnerable space. The physical holding makes me feel safe and is not at all squicky with S.

So sometimes I talk about things that S and I have talked about in therapy. Several times, my therapist has reacted along the lines of "I wonder if you are trying to tell me that you just don't need me, by telling me about this?" This week, I was talking about how, yes, I had processed something really significant with S this week and it was really hard to do, and we were talking some about how hard it is for me to be vulnerable in the same way with him, but I was so not expecting the comment at the end.

See, S and I are going to Pt Reyes next weekend. I had told my therapist last week that I would think about what I wanted to do re: cancelling or rescheduling. And during the week, I decided that with my schedule at work and medical appointments I have coming up, I would just cancel. So I told him that I would be cancelling and not rescheduling and his comment was: "Ah, so you have S so you don't need me next week. Just in case I didn't get it, right?"

This literally as I was walking out the door. I laughed because I was uncomfortable, but the moment I was out the door I had a WTF moment. And now I have the loveliness to look forward to in two weeks to address all this. Blech.

What sucks especially about all this is that he is a great therapist, usually. I feel that working with him really did open me up to being ready to be in a relationship. I really like the way that he helps me think beyond the content of things and think about the symbolism and the feelings underneath everything. So I can't just walk away. I am attached to him and it sucks that he doesn't get this and I have to explain it to him.

Okay, then, I'm off to be a therapist myself this morning. You all have a great Saturday.

7 comments:

Aravis said...

What he said was completely wrong. I'm wondering if he wasn't just having a really bad day, if something had happened in his own life, and your situation is feeding his own insecurities in some way? Because his comments are showing definite insecurities.

That doesn't make it alright in any way, and you should definitely bring it up when you see him again. But perhaps if you chalk it up to his own issues until you see him again, you can relax a little more in the meantime?

P'tit-Loup said...

I agree with Aravis. But also I am wondering if he is also realizing that you really do not need therapy at this time? However, he is not going at it the most skillfully. Sorry your are left with the "snarky" feeling.

hammer said...

correct me if i'm wrong (and you should know best), but isn't the whole point of having a therapist that you really can treat them like a total outlet, that they are "outside" whatever is going on in your life, that you don't "owe" them anything, besides, of course, the fee that you pay them? He was acting like you owe him something, and by comparing himself with S--the most intimate relationship in your life--well, that was just sketchy! Do you think he has some feelings for you? Some of his own transference issues?

You are such a sweet and generous person, that you seemed to be feeling a little guilty in this post. If you indeed are, then don't feel guilty! Maybe he's even "testing" your assertiveness?

Hyde said...

I hate when therapists have no boundaries. I have had to deal with it before and it's such a difficult feeling... You are lucky, being a therapist yourself that you can see what's going on so clearly and so quickly. And you are lucky to have S!

:)

I hope you feel better...

love,
h

spinsterwitch said...

I think that most of the time that he's right on with his observations. But the ones I've described have felt weird. Usually, hammer, you are right, but I have specifically asked him to use a model of therapy with me in which we look at the dynamics in the room and how it is that they might reflect other relationships in my life.

Ah well, I'm past being angry about it (until I have to see him again anyway) and I'll bring it up with him and see what happens.

Hippy Chick said...

i agree with hammer - classic transference, and if you have the energy, it would be good to call him on it, you shouldn't be left having to hold this bag...

Anonymous said...

oh, whoa. That is not good. I hope you got it resolved, because I read it as 1 of 2 things. (Or both.)

1. he reallyreally needs to step back and remember it's not about him

2. he miiiight possibly be trying to point out when you're using your relationship with S as therapy. But if that's it, he needs to discuss it with you not just lob it at you on the way out. And THAT behavior makes me think #1 is in play.

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