Yesterday was a hard day for me. It started out well. I knew that I would be stressed out about the interview and so I hoped to be a bit pro-active and I got up early to go swimming. It was lovely, but then I felt the great desire to nap for most of the morning.
We have a client that the team saw yesterday that is challenging. He claims that no one hears him, but then he can't hear us. It's frustrating on so many levels. After seeing him, I spent almost as much time with one of the nurses processing her frustration.
Then I went home in the afternoon. I thought that this would be a good idea to have some space and to be able to relax. Unfortunately, with nothing concrete to do, the adrenaline kicked in. I felt sick to my stomach and could barely sit still. I tried doing some cleaning, but even that wasn't helping much.
By the time I headed off for the interview, I was just wanting it over so that my system could recover. I got to the office and while they were finishing up a phone call, I was given the job description to look over. It's definitely more managerial than I've had before and that was a little intimidating. But realistically I know that I could do it.
The interviewers were pretty nice, although the chapter president was a bit abrupt and several times when I looked over at her she was not really looking at me. It was a bit strange. That combined with her rather abrupt and shocking question at the beginning, gave the interview an odd feel.
The question: "So are you willing to give up your private practice?" Since there was very little information about the job in the posting and I hadn't been given any clue previously that my private practice would be an issue, this naturally gave me pause. I wanted to finish the interview for a couple of reasons: 1) I'd done a lot of prep for it and 2) any interview is good practice for the next. So I said that I would have to think about that and it wouldn't be a light decision, but that I would like to keep discussing this position.
I believe that I did a really fabulous job in the interview. But I left there feeling disappointed. S has subsequently pointed out that he doesn't think that unless there is a substantial conflict of interest that an employer can keep you from having a side practice, but that's not something that I think I'd want to fight about. Also I think that I'm not sure that I would be up to jumping into this job without some support.
Anyway, I saw clients after this. I had the realization that I really need to do some additional practice building things because my practice is getting a bit slim these days. And I was reminded of how much I love this work. So I don't feel like I can give up this work for a managerial position that wouldn't allow me to have similar therapeutic contact with clients.
I spent the night with S. I had a good cry in frustration. I was left feeling how incredibly much I love this man. He was just really focused on me and letting me feel what I needed to feel. I was remembering back in my depression when I was despairing over not having someone to hold me at night. And this is exactly what I was hoping for. I love him.