Tuesday, October 02, 2007


I have a fear that people will think this of me. It is part of the reason, I know, that I have become somewhat obsessional about my temperature. That is an objective finding when so much of what I am experiencing is subjective.

I used to do this. I know that partly this was due to boredom at school, but I had a habit of feigning illness. My family was on to me, of course. My parents set up a deal in which I could have 1 day off a month, unless I was legitimately ill. Since I was not prone to vomiting, this usually meant having a fever.

I would hate when, taking my day off during the month, my sister would come home and tease me for not being sick. And I wasn't. I just wanted to be away from school that day. Sometimes, like in junior high when I was being bullied by a classmate, there were even greater reasons for the malingering.

But, now, when I'm sick, I feel like I have to justify it. I really have to be ill in some way that people could objectively see. Having the infectious disease doctor discount Lyme as the ongoing cause of my symptoms felt a little bit like being thrown into that position again.

And I begin to have crazy feelings of wondering if I am maybe making this out to be worse than it is. Do I always feel exhausted? I am not always feverish, so maybe I should be returning to full activity. Is there some part of me that wants to be sick? I'll admit I do like to be taken care of, but am I holding on to being sick more than is needed?

And then there is the worst: am I not imagining this or making it worse in my head, but are other people starting to believe that I'm making this all up?

And all of this mixed with the fear of the unknown again...if the ID doctor is right, and my symptoms are really something else, what is it?

This is all overwhelming me a bit today.

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