Monday, January 07, 2008

Things that make you go "hmmmm"

So I went off my antidepressants about 2 months ago. This seemed like a good idea at the time. I'd been on them for about 2 years, and it was high time, I believed, to try life Zoloft free. I went off of it. It was a challenge...there is this strange phenomenon that happens with some SSRIs...a buzzy feeling that can happen anytime, but I found it was most acute when I was tired. I didn't like it. I did like the return of relatively easy orgasms. I'd missed that.

But in the past several weeks, I've noticed a few things that I didn't like that are creeping back into my life. There is anxiety. I don't like the tightness I've noticed at night again about the coming day. I don't like the difficulty falling asleep or waking up and thinking about work. And it's not really about work, since work is going relatively smoothely lately. It's just a creeping anxiety.

And there are the negative thoughts. I don't like how difficult it is for me to imagine a positive outcome about things. I've noticed this as a paranoia about my relationship with S. I worry that he is losing interest. He isn't. (And, no Hammer, he wasn't punishing me this weekend. He just wanted time alone. He stayed at home in his sweats all weekend long.) I worry that my worries will drive him away. I don't think this is realistic either.

But the worst thing, that I didn't like was a yucky thought from this weekend when I was just a little bit freaked out about why S wanted time alone...I imagined how sad he might be if I died...more specifically if I ended my life. Now I didn't want to end my life...this made the thought even creepier. I realize that my thoughts indicate more an anger about his wanting time away from me, but that it would go to that place tells me that I am in a somewhat depressed position. And I don't want to go to a very depressed position. I'm also not used to uncontrolled crying like I've experienced a number of times in the past weeks.

So I've made the decision to go back on antidepressants. I'm glad to do that, although the initial jitters are not something I'm looking forward to. I am, as I mentioned, going to miss the ease of orgasms off of zoloft, but I'd rather that than stop wanting to have sex or get out of bed or stop living. Those are the things that come with depression, eventually.

So here's the thing that makes me go "hmmmm:" I made the decision to go off zoloft in late October, early November. This is the beginning of standard time and winter lack of light. In short, this is the time of year when I've typically been more prone to SAD symptoms. What the fuck was I thinking?!

The rest of my weekend was lovely. I did go to the Marina where I got a call from B who I miss greatly. I cooked a pot of soup for lunch and went online seeking out all sorts of resources for myself. Then in the afternoon, I went over to S' and we talked about Oahu. Evening, it was back home and in bed for the evening.

Tonight, I had dinner with Executive Director for the first time in forever (we seriously have been trying to get together since September). I got to marvel at Punctual (named because of being born on his due date a year ago) who has discovered that by handling the remote, he can sometimes effect whether music comes on and off. Although, he hasn't figured out exactly how that happens. And he loves to dance. He's a cutie, and ED is a lovely woman with a Lovely Husband. Let's hope they didn't pass along the lovely stomach flu that P and LH seem to have picked up recently.

And that's all...for now.


Hyde said...

Are there other drugs besides Zoloft that could help? I'm taking a different anti-depressant and don't have any sexual side effects. And btw- I know exactly what you're talking about with the "how would he feel if I killed myself" line of thinking. YUCK. Hope you feel better soon.


Hippy Chick said...

I'm so glad you are taking care of yourself and doing something that will ease those awful feelings!

suburbanhen said...

You mean to say that feeling anxious about stuff all of the time isn't normal?
But there is no other way to be!

Aravis said...

That is such a horrible, sickening place to be emotionally and mentally. I'm glad that you're taking care of yourself before you get to the darkest places. Be well. *hug*