Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Dear Anonymous

I'm guess you have not been reading my blog for long? Perhaps you have not read back to find out the kind of relationship that I have been in.

I do not think that what S did was right. It was hurtful and completely uncharacteristic of him. As was asking for silence. But S was my master. I've never been that straightforward here, but that is what it is. I had chosen this. We had a contract about our relationship which we talked about extensively before getting involved. This may be strange from an outsider's point of view, but I have loved what this was.

I am aware that this may seem appalling to someone who does not choose this life, or has never explored BDSM. I don't feel up to explaining it today, but it doesn't fit into a conventional box. I am not afraid of S, and I had the right to storm off, too, if I choose. But I have never been subject to this type of behavior from him before. He does not use fear or anger coercively.

I am further convinced that there is a deep shake-up happening for him because he clarified yesterday that he had said that he released us both. It saddens me that I can have some insight into his release of SS, but they have spoken of it before and have had lots of rocky times. But there was serious happiness between he and I, and he has let go of that. That leaves me feeling again like this is akin to a midlife crisis. I think S is coming to terms with his age and his limitations and it frightens him. He lashed out.

Of course, I will also be clarifying some of this. Now that I am released, as he said, I have the control. And he is giving it to me. We will be meeting to talk tonight and I will listen to what he says and say what I need to say. If we can come to a place of understanding and trust, I may agree to contract with him again.

Here's what I know in all of this, though. I survived long before S and I can survive without him. I am a strong woman who has her life in a good space. I seriously can't imagine why he let me go. It feels good to have that bit of narcissism.

4 comments:

Planet Me said...

Does it matter what other people think? To an extent... but being what Julian Cope calls an elightened forward thinking Mofo, its really none of anyones business if you indulge in BDSM, or whatever, as long as it works for you and its all consensual. I really hope it works out.

spinsterwitch said...

I hope so too. Although there is a lot to talk about.

Karen said...

No matter what ultimately happens you deserve to be treated with respect and caring. I don't think it's narcissistic to remind yourself that you have wonderful qualities that exist regardless of whether or not you have a relationship with someone else. Sending you lots of love Spincita!

Hyde said...

Oh, Spins! I'm thinking of you. Hang in there...

love,
h