It's hard to talk, sometimes, in this very open space about rough spots that happen with S & I. I know that my friends can be very protective of me and I get very protective of S in response. But today, I'm anxious and I'm angry. I'm fully aware of what my friends might say because I am aware of the same thoughts going through my mind.
See the weekend started out alright. S & I had a good evening at my apartment. It was quiet and nice to wake up next to him on Saturday morning. But something happened that evening. He was "pissy."
SS & I thought perhaps he had hurt himself or had a headache. He was acting like the latter much of the evening (we went to see the Fire Ballet at the Crucible which was amazing this year). He sent us off to my apartment to spend the evening, and it was nice talking to SS and feeling friendly and close to her again.
We went back to his house in the morning. He didn't answer the door when we rang the bell, so I used my key to get in. I was really worried that he wasn't answering and when we called out, he didn't answer either. I started to panic. I got to his bedroom, scared that he would be unconcious or dead, and turned on the light. He flinched at the light and put his hand in front of his eyes.
I was relieved and started to sob...the experience was triggering awful memories of having come home from school when I was younger and finding things that would indicate something (an accident or something) had happened, and no note or person to explain. SS held me.
We made breakfast, which S got up and ate. His response was a classic migraine response, which seemed to confirm my thought of a bad headache. After breakfast, we all climbed in bed and dozed off together. When we got up later, S didn't want any of us to speak. We were walking around in this strange space, not knowing what was happening, although it was clear that S seemed to feel better.
We went out to the back to fingerpaint flowers and hung the paintings on the clothes line to dry. Then S wanted us to go out to go swimming. I was getting really angry. Nothing was being said about the scare and I finally started crying. S was not able to comfort me at all and didn't want to hear what was scary. SS listened when we got to the pool, but she was upset as well.
When we got in the pool, S pushed SS to swim with her head under water. She has a lot of anxiety about this and had not been in a pool in months. She couldn't. He gave her an ultimatum to do it or he would release her from their relationship. When she couldn't, he released her and stormed out of the pool.
So I was left with a broken SS and my own confusion and shock. S ended up walking off downtown. It was clear he was angry, but he's never done anything like this, and it was so unclear what was happening.
He e-mailed us both to say that he is struggling right now with what he wants. I have responded quite candidly with my feelings and my experience of all this (I know this is vague, but this feels like territory that isn't appropriate to share here). Suffice it to say that I am angry and feeling completely hurt by all this. It makes me sad, too.
I honestly don't know (after that lovely last post I put up) if there is a future in S & my relationship. If there is, there is definitely going to be some need for repair.