Wednesday, April 23, 2008

I dreamt of a own

It was a bizarre dream. There were elements of being in a hotel on and off as well.

The wedding was at a lake and the aisle started on the other side of the lake and I had to walk around to get to the groom. The groom was someone I knew (in that way that we know people in dreams, but they really aren't anyone we know). I wasn't terribly excited and as the wedding progressed, I began to realize what a bad mistake this was.

The person I was marrying was was someone who would not push me to do things I wasn't comfortable with. It was someone who would be content to come home at night and read a book and never really speak to me. In that moment, I saw a future opening before me that I didn't like. And I began to think immediately of divorce.

I also thought about how hurt S would be that I had married someone.

I'm suddenly feeling a bit dizzy because I realize as I am writing this that this may be a bit of what S was feeling on that Sunday. He has described a feeling that he was doing the same things he has done so many times. He says that he feels comfortable with me and SS, but he wants to feel challenged: to continue to grow. There is a part of him, he has spoken about, who desires a partner who would do this for him.

In my dream, the piece that felt significant is that S has been something of a catalyst for my life. He has pushed me to explore new things and to work on being successful in my career. There are things that we have explored that I don't think I will ever pursue again (white-water kayaking was more scary than fun, for example), but I love this part about him.

But, it's true, I haven't challenged him back. It is something of a catch-22 though because the way we structured our relationship was not in a way that would allow for me to explore challenging him. It is incredibly frustrating to be in this space and to be thinking of these things and not being able to do much about them.

I don't like that this has all invaded my dreams. I want to have some place where I am not hashing this over because it feels like it is sucking the energy out of me. I want to be happier again.


shorty said...

Have you had any kind of communication with S since your talk the other night?

hippie chick said...

My opinion is that it is of no small significance that he has structured his partnerships in a way that as you said, don't allow him to be challenged back. It may not help you feel better in this moment but it says a lot more about him than about any shortcomings of yours. Hang in there amiga - you will be happy again, give yourself time (it sucks I know).

spinsterwitch said...

Shorty - yes, we have e-mailed one another. But it is hard to not have more contact. My sense is that he is isolating while he tries to work this out.

HC - I know it's more about him and that I couldn't have done anything differently. It's still hard (and a little disorienting) to get a clear sense of what he must have felt. Your support has been so wonderful, by the way!

Hyde said...

Narc said something similar to me-- that he is too comfortable with me and that I don't challenge him to be more than he is. In my opinion, it is a blessing to be comfortable with another human being. If we want to be challenged and bettered in life, we can challenge ourselves, instead of relying on something external to make us into what we want to be. I don't get it. I didn't get it when Narc said it and I don't get it when S says it. We can enhance each other in relationships without having it be about a "challenge." You definitely enhanced his life. And besides, I have challenged myself so much in the past two years. I know it can come from within.

Stay strong, spins!


Cody Bones said...

More importantly, what were you serving, was there an open bar, and how did your dress look. (sorry, just trying to lighten it up a little Spins)

spinsterwitch said...

Hyde - I really think that he doesn't know how to motivate himself. Right now he doesn't want to do things with me because it is not comfortable not being with me and that discomfort he hopes will be a motivator. But you are right...why isn't comfort a good thing.

Cody - I don't recall the party after the wedding. It would have been in this great hotel in the dream though. And I was wearing a burgundy dress. I carried an old fashioned handkerchief instead of a bouquet of flowers.

Aravis said...

I think a mixture of comfort and challenge is just about right, and it should be reciprocal. :0)

Spins, I'm so sorry that you've been going through all of this. You've been so strong, and are handling this so well! *hug*

Your dream interested me. It gave you an understanding of what S is going through, but it also seemed to me to be highlighting the changes he has inspired in you, and what he (and you?) hopes that you will continue to do. You have a choice between settling down and just being comfortable, but probably unfulfilled, or you can divorce yourself from the rut, and push yourself out of your comfort zone occasionally to grow and experience life more fully; to find who you are and what you like beyond what you know. I think perhaps that's what S wants for you, and why you felt in your dream that he would be disappointed if you married yourself to a "comfortable" life that you don't really want.