It was a bizarre dream. There were elements of being in a hotel on and off as well.
The wedding was at a lake and the aisle started on the other side of the lake and I had to walk around to get to the groom. The groom was someone I knew (in that way that we know people in dreams, but they really aren't anyone we know). I wasn't terribly excited and as the wedding progressed, I began to realize what a bad mistake this was.
The person I was marrying was comfortable...it was someone who would not push me to do things I wasn't comfortable with. It was someone who would be content to come home at night and read a book and never really speak to me. In that moment, I saw a future opening before me that I didn't like. And I began to think immediately of divorce.
I also thought about how hurt S would be that I had married someone.
I'm suddenly feeling a bit dizzy because I realize as I am writing this that this may be a bit of what S was feeling on that Sunday. He has described a feeling that he was doing the same things he has done so many times. He says that he feels comfortable with me and SS, but he wants to feel challenged: to continue to grow. There is a part of him, he has spoken about, who desires a partner who would do this for him.
In my dream, the piece that felt significant is that S has been something of a catalyst for my life. He has pushed me to explore new things and to work on being successful in my career. There are things that we have explored that I don't think I will ever pursue again (white-water kayaking was more scary than fun, for example), but I love this part about him.
But, it's true, I haven't challenged him back. It is something of a catch-22 though because the way we structured our relationship was not in a way that would allow for me to explore challenging him. It is incredibly frustrating to be in this space and to be thinking of these things and not being able to do much about them.
I don't like that this has all invaded my dreams. I want to have some place where I am not hashing this over because it feels like it is sucking the energy out of me. I want to be happier again.