Saturday, April 19, 2008

What I do....

I'm notoriously awful at waiting. I hate having feelings and not doing something about them. But we are "digesting" - taking time to let what we talked about sink in...thinking about what we each need. I've already asked for something, which was scary and hard. But I don't have a full plan about that yet.

Sounds lovely and vague, doesn't it?

Well, what I've been doing in all this isn't vague, though.

On Thursday, I made plans for today (I also made plans for my trip to NAAFA in July). I've had a mani/pedi. I'm going in a sec for a massage. Then I'm going out to eat, followed by going to see a play.

Tomorrow is less busy: CPR training, lunch with SS, then ????? I'll be filling in those question marks, you can bet the farm.

I've been feeling sick after I eat and a desire both to hide and to run away. But I am eating, and I am doing things that are very present (laundry, mostly). I took a nap both yesterday and today. That was good.

I called to wish him a blessed Passover. I really do hope that he is seeking out community tonight, but somehow I kinda doubt he will.

I hate this waiting.


Hyde said...

I know exactly how you feel-- about having feelings and not being able to do something about them. It's so hard. Hang in there... I'm glad you are taking care of yourself.


Hippie Chick said...

Yes good to hear you are doing nice things for yourself. You are doing the best you can. Sending you lots of love!

Charbs said...

whoa, go missing for a bit adn all hell breaks loose, hope everything works out Spins..

red one said...

Hello Spins, sorry to hear you're having a hard time of it at the minute. I second what hippychick said, and also...

I think what you're going through has nothing to do with the relationship being poly or BDSM, and nothing to do with whether or not anyone is going to put their head under water. It is not really to do with you, or S or SS either.

It is just something that happens sometimes in all relationships: someone hits a bit of a crisis, for whatever reason. They lash out (usually at someone near to them). Everyone takes some dents for a bit. And then usually, if the people care about each other, it gets sorted out in some way, over time.

It is normal, that's my point. That doesn't make it any less horrible (especially the hideous waiting part). But don't beat yourself up about it. You seem to be doing everything right: slow down, give S time to get his head sorted out. Make clear what you want - top marks for the scary asking thing. Slowly, slowly...

You are right that you don't need S's approval to know you're a wonderful person. I have a feeling that at some stage, this point will make itself clear to S too: he'd be losing out if he quits life with you in it. But he might take a bit of time before this thought rises up the pop charts to overtake whatever panic or unhappiness is at the front of his brain at the moment.

In some ways, the contract thing might make more explicit than in (terminology?) non-contract relationships what everyone is expecting from it. That might be good. But it strikes me - from my position of far away ignorance of the details - that maybe the contract might not have had the flexibility to account for the fact that it has human beings in it, and they develop and change in subtle ways. I dunno, maybe I'm being presumptious. But I think it is an extra reason to let the slow thinking thing take its course, so you (plural) can work out what you want from the future, as distinct - or possibly not - from what you wanted whenever it was you signed up.

It is also possible of course that S's crisis is not all about the relationship but other things going on in his life - difficult stuff can have that kind of knock-on to relations with people we love.

So stay strong and keep looking after yourself and hold tight. I'm hoping like everyone else on here that it all works out for you. Big sympathy with the waiting, though. I know that can be scary. But I reckon you are brave.

Take care, Spins. And sorry not to comment for ages and then go loooooonnnng. Do Americans have that saying about waiting for a bus?

red one said...

I dunno, maybe I'm being presumptious.

Of course I'm being presumptious. Isn't blogworld great?

*wry eybrow gesture*