I really have meant to write something more in my blog recently. But things have just gotten in the way.
I hung out with S on Sunday. We had a talk that I initiated about continued lack of sex in our relationship. I love him and I want this part of our being together. He is worried (in a way that confuses me) of having sex with me then finding out later that he isn't wanting to continue a relationship. It's as though somehow sex has greater meaning. I suppose it does in some ways since I'm so insistent that I would like it. But damn! It's not like I've been having sex for very long and I'd rather have sex with someone I feel close and loving with.
The conversation really got us nowhere. We continue to be loving and sweet and playful with one another, but there is no move to have sex. It makes me crazy, and physically frustrated. Sure I could (and do) take care of things on my own, but I enjoy sex with another person.
So on Tuesday night, I placed an ad. And I let him know (because I'm really wanting to have good poly practice about this and not be secretive). I knew that he would not like to hear it and that he would feel all sorts of feelings, but he won't talk to me about them and I'm left feeling like I've betrayed him. A feeling that pisses me off, since he has other "play" partners himself but still says that he loves me.
So I spent a good amount of time sobbing last night. Feeling like shit with him unwilling to talk to me.
Despite all that, I am getting good response from my ad. I'm finding myself drawn to just going out on a bunch of dates (I know, that's just replacing one hectic schedule for another) and see who seems nice. And I'm fighting against this part of me that just wants to soothe S and send an e-mail out telling people that it's just not a good time for me right now.
I'm hoping that we get to talk soon.